Breaking Down the Anatomy of Giving Up

Sometimes it feels like I am in an endless cycle, an emotionally broken loop, where I make some progress, I get scared or frustrated, and I either give up for awhile (or I want to).  And there is an anatomy to this process that I repeat every time.  A run away train of negative emotions.  This morning, I am grateful for my coach (who has his own recovery and addiction) for identifying the steps I take toward giving up in -- he pointed them out in my own writing! -- and then tracing the leaps of distorted logic that take me from "this is hard" to "I can't".  Sometimes we do not clearly see our own patterns and this is where working with others is invaluable.

Now that I see the pattern, I see it in myself and also when I work with other fellows in program.  It comes into play emotionally when we are confronted with something emotionally challenging that requires us to honestly look at and then do the work to change our behaviours.  For me, it has been arising as I take steps to work through my depression.  In a sponsee, I see it as the sponsee struggles with confronting her past as she works on her Step Four inventory.  It goes like this:

"This is difficult" (my thoughts are a jumbled mess)

and that leads in the logic to

"This is impossible" (I cannot focus)

and that leads to 

"I am not good at this" (technically true; it is new)

and that leads to

"I don't like this at all" (I feel overwhelmed)

and that leads to

"I don't want to do this" (I am stressed because this is hard)

and that leads to

"this is crushing me, it must be wrong" ("I can't" / panic)

and that leads to

giving up.  

There is a Japanese proverb that says "Fall seven times, get up eight."  Which is great except when you want to learn to stop falling.  Getting up is hard.  Learning not to fall is harder.  More advanced.  When I get to the point where I want to give up because working with my hard feelings (and then actually doing something to change them) is just so hard, I remind myself what the Big Book says (p.417):

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my compulsive overeating, I could not stay abstinent; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.

And I pray to accept that I am struggling and affirm to myself that I will not give up.  I will ask for help and I will try again.  And then I remind myself that "faith without works is dead" [Big Book, p.76] and I push myself to do the next right thing.

Blessed be.