On grief, suffering, and humanity: "What Punishments of God are not Gifts?"

This moved me last night and I wanted to share – it’s from an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper and comedian Stephen Colbert...  Anderson Cooper’s Dad died when he was 10 (heart attack) and he lost his Mom in early June.  Stephen Colbert’s Dad and two of his brothers died in a plane crash when Stephen was 10 and his Mom died a few years ago too. 

It’s really clear in the interview that Anderson Cooper is still very much in grief and he is asking some pretty big questions that are personal, not part of his “newsman” persona.

The interview is here -- https://youtu.be/iZ_zajwFPDs -- this is the part that really moved me:

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Anderson Cooper: I’m not the person I meant to be. I’m not the person I started out to be (because of the grief / loss / trauma).

Stephen Colbert: But you are the person you were meant to be.

Anderson Cooper: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this is a warped version of ...

Stephen Colbert: So there’s another time line with a happier Anderson Cooper?

Anderson Cooper: Yeah! I mean no. There’s not, it doesn’t exist, an alternate universe but... but yes, I guess...

Stephen Colbert: But that’s what I mean about faith.

My experience and learning from the experience of my mother, what I read and what I experience in my particular faith, extremely imperfectly, admittedly, is that there isn’t another time. This is it.  And the bravest thing you can do is to accept with gratitude the world as it is and then, as Galdalf says, so too all people who are in such times.

Anderson Cooper: You went on to tell an interviewer that you have learned to love “the thing that I most wish had not happened.” You went on to say “what punishments of God are not gifts?” Do you really believe that?

Stephen Colbert: Yes. It is a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that. And I guess I’m either a Catholic or a Buddhist when I say that because I’ve heard that from both traditions.

But I didn’t learn it - that I was grateful for the thing I most wished didn’t happen - but I realized it. It’s an odd, guilty kind of feeling. I don’t want it to have happened. I wish it had not happened.

But, if you’re grateful for your life, which I think is a positive thing to do - not everybody is, and I’m not always - it’s the most positive thing to do, and you have to be grateful for all of it . You can’t pick and choose what you’re grateful for.

And then, so what do you get from loss? You get awareness of other people’s loss, which allows you to connect with that other person, which allows you to love more deeply, and to understand what it’s like to be a human being, if it’s true that all humans suffer.

So, at a young age I suffered something so that by the time I was in serious relationships in my life, with friends, or with my wife or with my children, is that I have some understanding that everyone is suffering and, however imperfectly, acknowledge that suffering, and to connect with them, to love them in a deep way... and that’s what I mean, it’s about the fullness of your humanity.

What’s the point of being here, being human, if you cannot be the most human you can be? I want to be the most human I can be. And that involves acknowledging, and ultimately being grateful for the things that I wish didn’t happen- because they gave me a gift.

and in the Christian tradition, that’s the gift of the sacrifice of Jesus:  that God suffers too.

❤

Free Your Mind

For an honest, balanced view of myself, I take a few minutes in which I free my mind of everything except God's love for me.

This.  The being surrounded by white light.  The metta practice that I be safe, I be at ease, I be happy, and then that all sentient beings feel the same.  This.

Blessed be.

Change (why it should be different) and Acceptance

I'm doing this Desire Map daily planner and one of the questions for today hit hard:  the category was "want to change" and the prompt was "why should it be different?"

And I didn't initially want to write anything.  My house is still a mess and I want it to be nicer but I rebel.  I realized it's because it's an old power struggle with my mother about what my space should be like.  And that's old.  I don't have to clean up because my mother says so.  I can want to change my house because I deserve beautiful.

The reading in Voices of Recovery for today is:

I have never seen a person grow or change in a constructive direction when motivated by guilt, shame and/or hate.  - William Goldberg.

And the text accompanying this incredible observation is this:

If you eat too much you're a glutton.  If you weigh too much you won't be popular with the boys (or girls).  Heaping new guilt upon the old, I tried to reform myself.  I dieted, lost weight.  There, now I looked terrific.  But for how long?  And did I like myself any better, inside?

...

For today, I let no one -- including myself -- try to shame me into changing something about myself I wish were different.  I pray to be relieved of guilt and self-hate, and to accept and like myself exactly as I am.  That is where I can begin to change.

This.
Blessed be.

Two Myths

The two myths disclosed this morning are these:
1.  that pain must be avoided at all costs; and
2.  that food relieves pain free of charge.

Neither are helpful.  Neither are true.  The For Today reading this morning starts with a quote from former US president John F. Kennedy:

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.

The reading goes on to say that the writer's food addiction was acquired so [s/he] could survive and cope with earlier, painful circumstances. 

Thus began two myths:  first, that pain was to be avoided at all costs, and second, that eating would relieve the pain free of charge.  These myths were useful then, but they are insanity now.

As I become willing to accept the truth that is revealed to me in this program, the myths I clung to so desperately lose credibility.  I no longer need to be anesthetized; I can stand still and feel my feelings.  I don't think something is wrong if I'm not happy every minute.

For today, the more I accept the reality of what is, the more comfortable and serene my life becomes. 

This morning I am extremely sore from a fall on the ice yesterday.  My body is swollen with the excess salt I had last night bingeing on corn chips.  The binge did not prevent the soreness, it made it worse this morning.  Insane. 

I know I had painful early experiences.  I know I have been working around the edges on them in therapy for years.  For today, I will just hold my pain and trust that in time it will release its hold on me and just become part of my history, like happy memories do too.

Blessed be.

Let's not louse this up. Let's keep it simple.

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. - Hans Hoffman.

I am feeling lost.  In some ways, I know what I need to be doing.  At the same time, I am unsure, uncertain, and overwhelmed.  It seems insurmountable to heal my body, my mind, my spirit.  I have teeny bits of progress and yet I still feel like I'm drowning.  Time goes by and it is as if I watch the clouds.

Today's reading is about simplicity.  It says:

One of the most profound utterances in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous is Dr. Bob's parting plea to Bill W, "Let's not louse this thing up.  Let's keep it simple," 

Overeaters Anonymous has its share of compulsive complicators.  They lard the program with mandatory procedures and other distractions.  If newcomers succeed in finding out what the program is about in this welter of the unnecessary, it may well be because they have an innate ability to simplify. 

For today, I pray to be reminded of the simple principles of this program, especially when I am tempted to present personal interpretations as the only way.

I was at Intergroup over the weekend.  What I saw were a lot of people simply showing up to report that their meeting has 6 to 8 people, one or two newcomers, and things are going well.  The vacant leadership positions -- literature coordinator, assistant treasurer, 12th Step Within coordinator, etc -- all went unanswered for the third month in a row that I've been there.  Do we need these positions?  Clearly we are functioning without them.  Why won't these people who show up each month take on a little bit extra?  I don't know.  They are not moved by the entreaty to service. 

This morning I am contemplating what I do for others versus what I do for myself.  I think I have a complicated relationship with being useful.  It reminds me, however, of the Marge Piercy poem.  I think it is true and pure, untainted by selfishness or ego.

To be of use
By Marge Piercy          

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

But the thing worth doing well done

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,

Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

Blessed be.

Acceptance

It's a cold, bright-grey, snow is coming kind of morning.  The readings for today don't really inspire me.  Yes, they are true, yes, they are helpful, but they aren't particularly profound.  And the irony is, one of them is about acceptance.  So I accept them for what they are.

It reads, in part:

Acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me, be it pain, anger, despair, hopelessness or their opposites.  When life as it really is because a fact that I accept as naturally as I breathe, events lose their power to throw me off balance or disturb the basic rhythm of my life. 

So this. 

Blessed be.

Living my Program: Into Action

He does not believe that does not live by his belief.  - Thomas Fuller*

This morning's reading is a reminder that my recovery is a program of action, not just writing and thinking.  So far, I have an active plan of eating, a consistent reading/writing program, and a nightly AEIOU inventory with my OA buddy.  I also have service to my home group and intergroup.  Where can my program be stronger?  I am not making much progress toward a healthy body weight.  That is my increased focus by tracking my food and activities so I have a mindful awareness of what my actions are contributing toward physical recovery.

The reading in For Today says:

Do the principles I believe in have any relation to my daily life?  I may think the twelve-step program is great, but how can I say it works if I merely admire it rather than live by it?  When I arrived in OA, what I heard rang true because it came out experience, not theory.

Anyone can "learn" the program, but to achieve recovery it promises takes more than intellectual understanding; it takes sustained effort to apply its spiritual principles in every area of my life.  Only then -- when I am practicing what I say I believe in -- can I give it away to another compulsive overeater.

For today, I discipline myself by not 'talking program' unless I am trying to work it.  If I believe that ours is a program of recovery, I will live by that belief.

Blessed be.

*Thomas Fuller, 1608-1661, English churchman and historian.  He also wrote, "One who would have the fruit must climb the tree."

Enough

To be alive is Power / Existence in itself / Without further function / Omnipotence enough. - Emily Dickinson

It is early, dark and cold.  I am getting started with my day.  And the reading is about enoughness:

I am alive.  I can make of that fact anything I want.  I need no terms or conditions to exercise the power of life.  All I have to do is live now.  It is enough.  There may be life in the future, and there was certainly life in the past, but my footing is in the present.  Today is where the past has its meaning, and where the future is shaped.  looking far forward, mapping out my life in the future, I waste the power of the present.  And lingering in the past, twisting its circumstances and falsifying its memory is an injustice to both past and present.  I am thankful that my past has brought me to this present, where I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live. 

For today, I revel in the power of being alive and I thank God I am not afraid to exercise it to the fullest today.

This.  I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live.  Before, I was using all my energy and spirit not to die.  There is a big difference.  I want to feel whole, at ease, beautiful, loving and energized in the present moment and in all I choose to do today.

Blessed be.

Strong Hope

How ironic that Friedrich Nietzche, reviled when I was in university as a nihilist is this morning's quote author:

Strong hope is a much greater stimulant of life than any single realized joy could be.

I am choosing to live in a way that best supports my desired feelings -- it seems this is a better way than to live and then deal with my feelings that arise.  So I want to feel whole, energized, loving, beautiful and at ease.  I am hopeful that these feelings will grow in my life as I direct my energy toward them, toward life.

Blessed be.

The Road between Here and There

I had significant weight loss in 2014 - 80 or so pounds.  And I felt worse.  So gradually, I gained it all back.  Now, I am trying to regain a healthy body weight in a way that doesn't make me feel more unsafe, more vulnerable, more uncertain, more afraid.

The reading today in Voices of Recovery is, as usual, helpful.  It reads:

My old way of thinking was that I was either an utter failure as a human being, or I was a saint.  I saw myself as an utter failure:  my attempts at controlling my weight and my eating only strengthened my view of myself.  I dreamt of a glorious change in me:  a totally compassionate, intelligent, and, of course, thin person.  The trouble was that there was no road between me, the miserable failure, and me, the thin saint.  So I retreated to eating and daydreaming.  I used to envision a sudden flip into a different me -- as if by magic I would be transformed.  But OA has taught me that recovery requires patient and persistent commitment to a glorious, but hard, journey.  OA has taught me how to acknowledge my shortcomings and how, by working the Steps to change, I can drop the self-hate and humbly rely on my Higher Power.  I am journeying to recovery with OA's 12 Steps.

I remember seeing an internist who specialized in obesity.  I expressed my fears of being thin, feeling more vulnerable, being unwilling to risk it.  And she said, "you know, if you lose the weight and you don't like it, you can just gain it all back.  I'll even deliver you a dozen chocolate chip cookies every day to help."  I left her care because I couldn't do lose the weight then.  When I had some willingness to try, I did lose the weight and I didn't like it and I did gain it all back.  I bought my own cookies. 

So the quest now is how to be at peace in my own mind and work towards a healthier body weight at the same time.  I am not sure I know how to find peace around the change.  I know I can lose the weight if I work really hard.  But the mental, the emotional element is still something I don't understand.  I am praying and working to understand it.  It has something to do with feeling broken or damaged.  And so I am working towards feeling whole.  Then, I pray, I can be whole and a more healthy size.  For the truth is, I am not whole at a large size.

Blessed be.

Open Wide to What You Want

open wide.
give your desires words, out loud words.
tenderly gaze of the eye to eye.
expose your craving any way you must,
under a blanket or backed by a rented band.
reveal your intentions, clean.
stand there, vulnerable, waiting.
describe your dream, in detail.
clarify what you're afraid of and give faith to the opposite.
engage every cell in fiercely wishing:
to be seen, to be graduated, adored, valued, validated, met.
the moment holds it all.  give it then and there.
even if it didn't work out before, or you're not sure what will come out of you to make for something new.
(you can't be sure.)
blow off the past.
ask for what you want.
unzip the casing of your personality and let that inner layer feel the air.  smart warm life.
do it front of another being.
this is terrifying relief:
to merge
out in front
melting edges
contributing
punctuations of ecstasy
everyday happiness deepening
we know.
pulse open.  open.  open.
you will get hurt.  shattered -- guaranteed.
a glance will cut.  denial will bruise, rejection will fracture.
you'll cry.  clenched.  you'll be infuriated.  you may choose to walk away - agonized.
leave, quit.  swing back.  shoot a dart of defence.
you'll regret it -- more or less.
if you stay there, closed down 'round your core, then you'll never leave the house feeling like yourself.
you'll pad your soul with stuff destined for landfills.
piles of dislike and complaints will heave between you and bliss.
(bliss is possible.  we know.)
itchy. tight.  foggy.  this happens when the heart is veiled.
nothing will ever be quite right, day after day.
pulse back open.
do it to be it.
lean toward.
worship your precious impulses.
focus to expansion
this once.
open
up
any
way
you
can.

(by Danielle Laporte)

Seeking

I turned to the reader Voices of Recovery this morning for my daily reading.  Today's entry reads:

...I would if I could, my friend, but -- as it is for me -- the problem is within... I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why I feel as I do about myself. - For Today, p.277

Which is the For Today reading for October 3rd.  The entire passage provides more context:

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. - Francois de la Rochefoucauld. 

Surely something, someone can fix me.  A little this, a little that, a new combination, a new person or place, a new goal.  Can you fix me?  The question, in a thousand different guises, is still asked.  The wise person answers, "I would if I could, my friend, but -- as it is for me -- the problem is within."  It is not the weather, the dog, the neighbours, my house, my spouse or lack of spouse, my job or lack of one; it is within me.  Nothing on the outside changes that.  When I am feeling bad about myself, I can put the blame on anything and everything.  When I am feeling good about myself, I accept all things that make up my life on the outside. 

For today:  I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why I feel as I do about myself.

I have a negativity bias.  I assume the worst about myself.  I am working on that and changing my core belief.   I have lived with the core belief that I am damaged for most of my life.  I am not sure where that comes from although I have some suspicions.  For today, I am working on changing my core belief to I am capable of healing.  The word "whole" is resonating with me.  I want to feel whole.

Blessed be.