Forgetting What I Know -- disaster or becoming teachable

 It is an interesting thing to ponder whether I can choose what I forget.  The reading this morning starts with a quote from Publilius Syrus that says, "We may with advantage at times forget what we know."

There is no advantage to me in forgetting what I know about the 12 Steps and what I have learned about myself in working the Steps.  There is an advantage, however, in forgetting all the old ideas and beliefs that get in the way of a happier, healthier and useful life.  If I forget program, my life is a disaster.  If I forget the old ideas and beliefs?  There's room to live differently, better.  Room for me to live my program beliefs instead.

The reading talks about how coming to OA, the writer knew what she knew:  her compulsive eating stemmed from an emotionally deprived childhood and nothing -- not God even -- can change that.  And then she writes that somehow in OA she forgot all of that.  She went ahead and acted as if everything everyone told her in OA was true.  She prayed even though it was as if her Higher Power was three letters of the alphabet.  She thought abstinence was dumb and did it anyway.  

This is perhaps the penultimate paragraph in the reading:  "I still know what I know but, thank God, I am no longer using it to keep me from getting well."  She says for today, it is just as effective to "act as if" she has forgotten what she knows.  It works anyway.

Sometimes when I am writing or sharing I recognize some "therapy speak" coming through in my voice.  Or I hear it in someone else's share.  It can sound hollow or even trite, not thoughtful, necessarily, like an equally ubiquitous OA slogan usually does.

What do I need to forget?  Myself.   I need to get over all the pain I have from the past I have.  It doesn't help.  It is an important part of who I became, who I am now, but it doesn't help me going forward today.  It is like an anchor, dragging me down.  

I need to forget everything I think I know about God, beyond my innate sense that there is a Divine life force in me and in all living things that propels me toward growth and toward survival when growth seems too hard.  

I need to put aside my doubt and act as if this is going to work.  I see it work for others; I hear them share that it works for them.  I can forget my relapses, my struggles in the past.  They do not serve me any more.  They are part of my story and inform my choice to live differently today.  Just today.  Let's live today.

Blessed be.

Being a Newcomer again

 I am struggling with my faith that God will do what I cannot do for myself.  I see and hear stories of recovery where faith and surrender to a Higher Power leads to healthier, happier lives.  And I feel stuck and unhappy.  I believe God will help you recover but I am not convinced God will help me recover.  That's f*cked up.  The years of therapy I have had suggest this is black or white thinking, future telling, any number of other cognitive dissonances based on a self concept of being unworthy, undeserving, somehow damaged more than anybody else.  And I know that is not true.  However, I still feel it.

This morning in my daily reader, For Today, I looked up all the entries in the index for 'newcomers'.  Date order be damned!  And this is what I found:

No one [in OA] made me feel that my illness rendered me less worthy of respect than other people.  Taking a cue from these loving, caring friends, I stopped being ashamed of myself.  The defences I had set up fell away, and I became open to change.

OA is a refuge from the harsh judgments society passes on compulsive overeaters.  [I need] unconditional acceptance and respect, not judgments. - May 9

This is true - the only person making me feel my compulsive eating, my size, my struggle with depression et cetera renders me less worthy of respect and help is me.  Shame is a big part of this struggle.  Feeling like I am not good enough for God's help.  Feeling like I am too long in OA to be a newcomer again, or a newcomer still.  Defensive that after six years, I still struggle with frequent relapses in my abstinence and my faith is shaky - not for you but for me.  My Higher Power offers unconditional acceptance and respect for my humanity and I don't accept that gift a lot of the time.  Pride.  Self.  This has to go!

As newcomers we look at recovering compulsive overeaters who tell us of the happiness, freedom and joy in their lives and we can hardly comprehend that they were not always this way.  Those miraculous recoveries seem unattainable to us.  ...  members with years of program and lives that are happy, joyous and free are compulsive overeaters who, like the rest of us, began at the bottom.  Where I am today is a fine place to start.  - May 16

Where else to start but here?  And "here" arrives each moment.  There is no arrival and I'm done.  That is a lie I tell myself, along with the belief I should be more recovered than I am after six years in OA.  Members with more years and more recovery still struggle - I hear that in the rooms.  The standard is not perfection spiritually.  I can't achieve that and neither can they.  They don't claim it in their stories.  But they are happier, more joyous and more free than I am.  And I want that.  I need to suspend my beliefs that I can't have that too for whatever bullshit reasons my disease puts in my head.

There is no reason to be discouraged if newcomers [if I] express doubt that the recovery [I] see will happen for [me].  [My] experience of the disease is propelling [me] toward experiencing recovery.  -June 2

Ughhh...  my disease is propelling me toward recovery -- true!!  Or I wouldn't keep coming back.  My disease is also propelling me into the abyss with lies that I can't, I don't deserve this, God will do this for other people but not for me.  This tension is something I have to give over, give up.  It is a tug-of-war I can't win and the doubt it creates only prolongs my misery in my disease.  

We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions. ... I may fool myself and others by my talk, but my illness cannot be fooled.  - June 12

I feel like a fool, an incompetent.  Six years in OA and 270 something pounds.  I wear my disease.  I wear the lie of my recovery.  That is living in the past, however, and unhelpful.  Today, I can do differently in what I think (maybe?) but definitely in what I do.  The slogan of 'acting myself into right thinking' applies here.  I need to shut off the thinking and focus on doing what I know helps.

Diseases desperate grown by desperate appliances are relieved or not at all [Shakespeare].  ... I want what I see in OA.  I pray for the willingness to follow each step of the program and to believe that the food and the weight will be taken care of in the process.  - August 17

Yep.  I think the experiment of not tracking and not weighing myself for October is incomplete.  I am more aware of what I am doing (I think) and I need to continue to build on the changes in my plan of eating and my action plan I have started to identify.  I feel like I should continue on this path in November and also continue on my week-long (so far) practice of a meeting a day.  I need to hear the message from others and stop listening to the disease in my head.

Quotes from the OA LA Birthday Party, 2019

A friend in my Intergroup went to the OA 59th Birthday Party in Los Angeles last weekend.  She shared her best "take away" quotes and they are worth absorbing!

...

"The first thing that goes through an addicted brain is, 'how can I get my way.' The first thing that goes through a recovered brain is, 'I should make an outreach call.'" 

"You must realize deep down that you don't get away with anything."

"Weight... body size... food... dealing with that (ie. using a food plan) is NOT the solution to our problem. The solution is the 12 Steps, which help me deal with the feelings that life brings up in me."

"My excuses kept me from OA for many years. Don't let your excuses keep you from Abstinence!"

"There comes a point in this process (usually right before surrender) where it's so uncomfortable and foreign that it feels like you're walking into a bonfire. You can walk through fire tonight or tomorrow morning, but eventually, you need to walk through that fire. Recovery is on the other side, and there's no other way to get to it."

"You can always feel free to test the food one more time to see if you can beat it – but you neverwill!"

What I've learned is that we are all newcomers until we have 10 years of continuous, back-to-back abstinence in Program."

"To eat my alcoholic foods is to die: the mind, soul, and spirit go first; the body catches up later."

"When I started doing what I was told, that's when Program and recovery really started happening at speed."

"The most sacred thing you will encounter today is another person."

"Is what I'm thinking right now MY thought or GOD'S thought?

"What I'm releasing is less important than what I'm releasing into."

"God, help me see this as you see this."

"Before Abstinence, I had no idea what it felt like to be imprisoned because I had no idea what it meant to be free."

"When it came to the Big Book, I had trouble identifying with the content until I considered this: do I think like Bill thinks? do I act like Bill acts? Do I eat like Bill drinks?"

"Don't put people on pedestals in Program; that's an unfair thing to do to anybody. We must remain right-sized and humble to recover!"

"I was taken to a place of willingness – and I was willing to be taken."

"In recovery, I don't have things I 'need to do;' instead, I have a new way of life."

"We're all lamps. And unless we're plugged into Program, we can't light up!"

"If you take issue with 'God', consider this: if you need to let go of something, does it really matter who catches it?"

"12 Step work is anything done in service to another fellow in Program."

"If you're feeling alone, isolated, and needing help, go to meetings and share where you're at so that the people who can help you can find you."

"I can use any story to justify going back to food because that how I'm wired. I can't trust my broken brain, therefore I don't make food decisions on my own."

"The first 90 days of abstinence is hard! It will be painful! But it will end! It's going to be a dog fight but you won't be alone!"

"Only an addict fights to the death to keep doing something that is killing them."

On Awakening

I didn't realize it would be so painful to wake up.  It is.  And that's ok.  I am learning to work with emotions and memories I have blocked -- intentionally, desperately, out of a perverse sense of self preservation -- for decades. 

This morning's reading in For Today starts with this quote from Henry Miller (and I choose to leave the misogyny of some of his writing to the side for now and focus on what is useful instead):

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop of his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.

And the reading continues with, "Under the heavy anesthetic of compulsive overeating there was perfect security.  I felt no pain or confusion.  [Well, I felt pain but it was somehow better pain than the original pain - how's that for addict logic...]  In fact, I did not feel a thing.  The price I paid for such peace was to chop off all my connections with reality, and with life itself."

Now, as my 4th decade is well underway, I am no longer sedating myself out of my life with excess food.  The pain never really went away - it was numbed, I told myself it was more manageable as my life crumbled around me.  Now, I see big gaping holes where my life should be -- my health, my relationships, my physical environment, a sense of fun and adventure.  My life got small.  And breaking out of that is painful.  It's hard.  I tell myself it's worth it.  But right now it pretty much sucks.  The waves of anger, fear, disillusionment, sadness are tidal - they feel tsunami when they are here and then I laugh at my anxious over reaction when they start to lessen in intensity.

The For Today message is this:

For today:  I do not have to be afraid that my feelings will blow me away.  I can allow myself to feel them, talk about them, write about them -- and watch them dissipate.  I do not need the fake security of compulsive overeating. 

I can live my stormy life without abusing myself in the process.  These are skills I have when I work my program.  Life saving skills.  Life preserving skills.  Not the false security that cripples me, but the real skills of living.

Blessed be.

Day 3 - and why are so many others in OA silent about the state of their recovery?

It's day 3 for me.  I got to day 28 and slipped.  It wasn't a big slip - I had 10 oz of ice cream to numb my feelings in the fallout after seeing a trauma counsellor.  So, it was not really a classic binge.  What it was:  the classic use of sugar and fat to avoid feeling how I feel.  That's an abuse of food.  That's a compulsive food behaviour.  That's not abstinent.

So I didn't take my 30 day coin (again) last night at my home meeting.  I shared about my experience.  I had people privately thank me later.

But you know what?  There were 9 other people at the meeting.  Only one other talked about her abstinence in any detail.  Most people talked about their struggles.  Which is fine.  But where is the abstinence?  There were two long time members not there last night - I know both are not abstinent this week.  Which is fine.  But one of them stayed away from the meeting and kept quiet.  And I think I know why.  And that's not ok.

I am concerned about that lack of recovery in my home group.  I am concerned about the lack of physical recovery at my Intergroup.  The spiritual recovery is also shaky at times - you can see it when people's character defects show up at the meeting in how they respond to adversity, to frustration, to inter-personal relationships. 

None of this is to say I am doing it right or better than anyone else.  But I am being honest and open.  And I don't see everyone else doing that.  Then again, one of my character defects is wanting to police the behaviour of others so they meet my expectations.  So.  Enough.  Today is my day 3.  I will work my program the best I can.  And I will send loving kindness that everyone else does what they need to do to support their recovery today too.

Blessed be.

Enough

To be alive is Power / Existence in itself / Without further function / Omnipotence enough. - Emily Dickinson

It is early, dark and cold.  I am getting started with my day.  And the reading is about enoughness:

I am alive.  I can make of that fact anything I want.  I need no terms or conditions to exercise the power of life.  All I have to do is live now.  It is enough.  There may be life in the future, and there was certainly life in the past, but my footing is in the present.  Today is where the past has its meaning, and where the future is shaped.  looking far forward, mapping out my life in the future, I waste the power of the present.  And lingering in the past, twisting its circumstances and falsifying its memory is an injustice to both past and present.  I am thankful that my past has brought me to this present, where I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live. 

For today, I revel in the power of being alive and I thank God I am not afraid to exercise it to the fullest today.

This.  I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live.  Before, I was using all my energy and spirit not to die.  There is a big difference.  I want to feel whole, at ease, beautiful, loving and energized in the present moment and in all I choose to do today.

Blessed be.

Love is the theme of the day...

This morning, my inbox had the Just for Today message about romance and recovery.  And then the For Today quote this morning is "There is only one happiness in life:  to love and be loved" by George Sand (who was really the female French novelist Amantine-Lucile-Aurore Dupin).

And I cried.  I do not feel loved in the romantic sense.  I feel a familiarity kind of love from my family but it feels very surface.  I feel expendable, distanced, extra to their primary relationships as husbands/wives or, in the case of my sister, as a parent.

The advice is good, I'm sure, to be careful that romance doesn't cloud my program of recovery.  It starts with the statement that relationships can be a terribly painful area.  And it continues:

Love is like an elixir for some of us.  The excitement of a new lover, the intrigue of exploring intimacy, the sense of release we get from allowing ourselves to become vulnerable, —these are all powerful emotions.  But we can'’t forget that we have only a daily reprieve from our addiction.  Holding onto this daily reprieve must be the top priority in any recovering addict's life.

We can become too involved in our relationship.  We can neglect old friends and our sponsor in the process. Then, when things get difficult, we often feel that we can no longer reach out to those who helped us prior to our romantic involvement.  This belief can lay the groundwork for a relapse.  By consistently working our program and attending meetings, we ensure that we have a network of recovery, even when we’'re deep in a romance.

Our desire to be romantically involved is natural.  But we mustn’'t forget that, without our program, even the healthiest relationship will not guard us against the strength of our addiction.  Just for today:  In my desire for romance, I will not ignore my recovery.

And last week, I did exactly that.  I had someone message me interested in me sexually, I explored it, and when he turned out to be not a good match, I binged for three days.  His parting words were hurtful and I hurt myself over it.

The For Today reading adds that to love and feel loved is nothing less than to have a reverence for life.  When I binge, I throw my vitality away in my pain.  So just for today, I am choosing to revere my life.  It is an act of love for myself.  And if I start with me, who knows how far I can go!

Blessed be.

We never grew up / Time to Grow Up

In the OA 12 and 12, there is a passage in Step 1 about how we never grew up.  This resonates for me and has for some time.  I feel I've missed some essential learning and experiences - I'm in my 40s and I have a Peter Pan syndrome.  No spouse, no kids, no house with a picket fence. 

The passage I'm thinking of in the 12 and 12 is this:

It was only after we began to recover that we saw the childish self-centeredness of our willful actions.  By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt our loved ones.  When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized.  Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy.  We hid our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up.

I read this again this morning and saw for the first time the phrase "It was only after we began to recover..." that starts that passage.  Oh, God!  Yes!  I have started to recover.  That is hopeful.

Then, towards then end of the chapter on Step 1, there is more hope:

In step one, we acknowledge this truth about ourselves:  our current methods of managing have not been successful, and we need to find a new approach to life.  Having acknowledged this truth, we are free to change and to learn. 

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behaviour patterns which have failed us in the past...

I have been struggling emotionally lately.  My food abuse is still a live force.  So is my depression.  And more days than not, I just want to stay in bed with my cat and feel sorry for myself.  But this is not a life.  This is what a sad sulking child does.  I have to be my own parent and get up, get washed, get fed, get a life.  No one is going to do it for me.  I have to grow up.

This was part of the daily reading in OA.  The email was titled "Thoughts for the Day - Growing Up".

As we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes towards our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions.  Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions – all of these have to be tempered and redirected.  We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives.  If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backwards into disillusionment.  But when we are willing to place spiritual growth first – then and only then do we have a real chance.”

And this:  emotional sobriety:  “to attain this, we must develop a real maturity and balance (which is to say humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.”

So this is my for today.  I will live to grow and in the process, I will grow up.

Blessed be.

For today: Inner Worth

Outside show is a poor substitute for inner worth.  - Aesop

My compulsive eating and depression has made me harder, isolated, resistant, ugly both inside and out.  And as I start to recover, the part I value most is the contentment I have when my mind is quiet, at peace with my body.

Blessed be.

For Today: Reluctance to Ask for Directions

If you are reluctant to ask the way, you will be lost. - Malay Proverb

Today's reading is about discarding pride and arrogance in order to be willing to accept help.  The reader says:

If I knew what to do to arrest my illness, I wouldn't be here.  Recovery requires a change of ways, a willingness to go to any length.  I need to ask directions.  How do I stay abstinent?  How do I avoid becoming obsessed with diet and weight loss?  I have to ask questions, even when I think I know the answers - or perhaps, especially when I think I know the answers.   

Step by step, I will find my way, asking for help, using telephone numbers, getting a sponsor, listening and sharing at meetings.

I will do what is necessary to be restored to sanity.

For today:  May I continue to discard more of the pride and arrogance I put aside when I came in to OA and asked for help.

Today, I pray for willingness to work my program, even when it is hard, even when I am scared. 

Affirmations that are helping :-)

I'm using affirmations, before breakfast, at noon, late afternoon, and before bed.  I am also writing them out in the morning.  There is something different about writing them than saying them.  Writing them down goes into my head better, I think.

These are my affirmations:

I am a worthy human being.  I am a woman who will be treated with dignity and due respect.  I will not undermine my self worth and call myself demeaning words.  I will hold my self to a higher standard. 

I am a child of God.

A healthy life is worth the effort.  A healthy life is a reward in itself.  I will not sabotage my capability to achieve worthy life goals.  I will take all necessary efforts and action to hydrate and eat properly.

Oh, and I also like "May my heart be open."  Blessed be.

Steps 1 and 12: Growing up in my Recovery by Strengthening Myself and Others

This week, I am working Step 1 and Step 12.  I have two, not one, new sponsees.  And I really want to do a good job, for me, for them, and to be a credit to my sponsor who has spent so much time, love and energy helping me.  I think I am learning how to "grow up" in this program and be of service to others.  I pray for guidance and humility as I learn by doing.

So, this is my first email to my two new sponsees.  I have met with both of them, talked about doing a step study and now this is my midweek follow up to confirm that I'm here for them, the focus of what we are doing, and to give them (and me) a nudge to do our recovery work.

...  This week we are looking at Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

So haul out that Big Book and read the Doctor’s Opinion!  What do you think about the doctor’s statement “their [compulsive overeating] life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking [a few compulsive bites – food] which they see others taking with impunity”?  Is this your experience too?

Have a look at Lawrie’s questions in the step study.  We’re looking at our patterns of compulsive eating – so the what, the where and what triggers us.  If it helps, you can use the concentric circles of red food/activities/feelings, yellow food/activities/feelings, etc. to map it out. 

And if you want some fun in your recovery work (it can’t all be serious!), maybe think about creating a Pinterest board for all your inspiring quotes and bits and pieces of recovery.  On a day when you’re feeling low, it can be a big shot of inspiration to have a look through your own board, thoughts, etc.   If you want some instant gratification, you can see mine, I’ll send you the link in another message via Pinterest.   

Big hugs to you!  And if you’re struggling, that’s good.  That means you are working on change.  Remember our tools – writing, reading OA literature, etc etc and reaching out to other members!  If that seems impossible, maybe think of this:  “progress, not perfection”.  Try doing just the next right thing.  That’s all.  Some days, that’s all I can do.  But it works.

Blessed be.

For Today: I have what I need

There is no calamity greater than lavish desires - Lao-tzu

A few years ago I read a book called The Hungry Ghost by an addictions doctor who works with the poorest and most troubled people in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, Dr. Gabor Mate.  He writes about how addicted people have this empty hole in their soul that they try to fill with their substance of choice, whether it is food, alcohol, drugs, love.  But they are never satisfied.  The hole is a hungry ghost which leaves them even more empty.

The more I work on my recovery, the more I realize I do not hunger for food.  I am fortunate to have enough.  My eating is to try to fill other holes -- for love, for belonging, for connection -- all ghosts that food will never satisfy.

For today, I will remind myself that I have enough.  I have love, belonging and connection when I reach for it.  I have plenty of healthy food and water available.  Truly, I am blessed.  My hungry ghost is an illusion and does not serve me.

When I googled prayers for hungry ghosts, I am surprised at how many traditions have a response.  Whether it is Christian Catholics with the idea of souls in purgatory or Buddhists or Wiccans, there seems to be a shared sense that much of our pain is not entirely ours... that we carry with us suffering for other beings, ancestors, old souls, etc., and we can feed them and free both them and ourselves from suffering.

I liked this prayer over food from the Wiccan tradition:

May you never hunger.  

May you never thirst.   

May all your needs be fulfilled by this food.   

May you be satisfied with what you receive here. 

May you no longer suffer through my body... this body which is now wholly my own.

Blessed be.

For Today: Patience with the things that take time; Growth

No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.  To live is to be slowly born.  - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I grew a little bit yesterday.  I had my first meeting with someone who asked me to sponsor them in OA.  And I realized in talking to her, how much I have learned.  And how much I still need to learn.  Both are growth.

The reading today has the lovely quote about "to live is to be slowly born" by the French war pilot and writer, Antoine de Saint-Exupery. 

It continues with the meditation:  "for today:  a flower takes a season to grow, a tree long years to mature.  Each growing thing, myself included, has a timetable for growth."  And the challenge is to accept this process and have growth unfold as it needs to.

Blessed be.

For Today: Rivers, Streams, Floating, Panic, Acceptance... oh my!

Yesterday, at the course I'm taking on cognitive behavioural therapy for depression, one of the teachers read a guided imagery called The River which saw you on the bank of a large, wide, deep river, with boats coming and going, against the current and with the current.  The boats were named; there was "Contentment", "Depression", "Anger", "Joy", and many others.  Some came closer and closer to you and you did not want them near you.  You climbed down the sunny bank where you were seated and waded into the river.  You put your hands up and said "stop".  The boat kept coming.  You grabbed it by the stern and tried to push it away faster, but it just got mired on a sand bar and stayed longer.  The boat "Joy" you tried to hold onto but it pulled you off your feet and broke free.  And eventually you learned to climb out of the river, dry off on the sunny bank, and watch the boats come and go, the ones you want, the ones you don't, knowing that they come and go and there is nothing you can do to control them in any meaningful way.

And then this morning, I found a reading in the Melody Beattie daily reader, The Language of Letting Go.  She writes:

Picture yourself swimming - floating - peacefully down a gentle stream.  All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow.  Suddenly, you become conscious of your situation.  Frightened, overwhelmed with "what if's?" your body tenses.  You begin to thrash around, frantically looking for something to grab on to.  You panic so hard you start to go under.  Then you remember - you're working too hard at this.  You don't need to panic.  All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow:  you won't drown.  

Panic is our great enemy.   

We don't need to become desperate.  If overwhelming problems appear in our life, we need to stop struggling.  We can tread water for a bit, until our equilibrium returns.  Then we can go back to floating peacefully down the gentle stream.  It is our stream.  It is a safe stream.  Our course has been charted.  All is well.

And this is comforting.  Today, I will let myself float downstream more than I grasp frantically at old ways to anchor myself.

Blessed be.

For Today: Changing my Reward Orientation to Longer Term

From the AA daily email this morning -- rewards, immediate or sustaining:

Sometimes when I've become willing to do what I should have been doing all along, I want praise and recognition.  I don't realize that the more I'm willing to act differently, the more exciting my life is.  The more I am willing to help others, the more rewards I receive.  That's what practicing the principles means to me.  Fun and benefits for me are in the willingness to do the actions, not to get immediate results.  Being a little kinder, a little slower to anger, a little more loving makes my life better day by day. 

I have realized my impulse toward "I want what I want, when I want it" is part of my compulsive behaviour.  If I take the time to pause, to consider what I (and my Higher Power) want for me, I stop and often make a different choice.  It's in the moment, in a rush, in an emotional upset, I make poor decisions.

And when I have a day or so of making good decisions, I want praise and immediate rewards.  I expect the scale to have gone down a few numbers, even though I've only eaten clean for a few days and binged for weeks before.  I expect my body to respond immediately and positively instead of taking our time to respond to such wildly changing situations. 

For today, I want to slow down.  Be thoughtful.  Act as if I love myself.  And keep myself from harm's way.

Blessed be.

For Today: All that you fear is really powerless to harm you

Meditation for today from AA:

All that depresses you, all that you fear, is really powerless to harm you. These things are but phantoms. So arise from earth's bonds, from depression, distrust, fear, and all that hinders your new life. Arise to beauty, joy, peace, and work inspired by love. Rise from death to life. You do not even need to fear death. All past sins are forgiven if you live and love and work with God. Let nothing hinder your new life. Seek to know more and more of that new way of living.

Let go.  Trust God.  Open your hands.  Breathe.  My recovery takes me toward life, away from death. 

Blessed be.

At the beginning we sacrificed [compulsive eating].  We had to, or it would have killed us. But we couldn't get rid of alcohol unless we made other sacrifices. We had to toss self-justification, self-pity, and anger right out the window. We had to quit the crazy contest for personal prestige and big bank balances. We had to take personal responsibility for our sorry state and quit blaming others for it. Were these sacrifices? Yes, they were. To gain enough humility and self-respect to stay alive at all, we had to give up what had really been our dearest possessions--our ambition and our illegitimate pride. - As Bill Sees It

I am living much more simply - no grand plans, just 24 hours at a time.  My emotions are getting more attention instead of being brutally suppressed.  I am taking personal responsibility for the things I can change.  And giving the rest up.  Not only is that the best I can do, that's all I can do.

Blessed be. 

For Today: My feelings suck but they are mine and I can feel them

One of the things I love about working my program is the "for today" meditation books, I have several.  And they always seem to have something that speaks directly to my experience and helps with the troubles of the day.

I was at counselling yesterday and it was difficult.  I am not used to feeling so sad and actually sobbing.  This morning I picked up the Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go daily reader (Hazelton, 1990).  And low and behold, the reading for April 6th is on patience with feeling my feelings.  It's worth typing it out (for that seems to go into my head better than just reading it):

How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience.  How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen.  How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.

Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.

Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings!  Feel the frustration.  Feel the impatience.  Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met.  Feel your fear.

Controlling our feelings will not control the process!

We find patience by surrendering to our feelings.  Patience cannot be forced.  It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude.  when we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.

Today I will let myself have feelings while I practice patience.

The part that hit home for me was "controlling my feelings will not control the process".  I have to simply feel, and be, and my recovery will come as it comes.  I cannot drag myself into more recovery.  I have to be kind to myself, feel how I feel, and trust the process.  Patiently. 

I remember how many people with 30+ years of sobriety at the AA Round-up a few weeks ago said they had to pray to live in recovery for the next 24 hours every morning.  They worked their program on the faith they too could have the recovery they see in others.  They weren't sure it was working but they did it anyway.  And eventually it worked for them.  These are the Promises of working a 12 Step program.  And I have to be patient to let them be realized in my life.  As the OA Promises say, they come sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but they will always materialize if I work for them.

Blessed be.

For Today - Anxiety and Acceptance

I learned (at least) two things yesterday. 

First, that when I'm really anxious, I have an upset tummy and run a low fever. I'm not getting sick, it's not germs, I'm making myself sick with my emotional state.  Wow.  So my coping mechanism of treating myself as if I'm getting sick, having more naps, not going to the gym, eating for my upset tummy, etc are not helpful and just magnify my anxiety. 

Second, I learned that anger passes. And it is just part of my processing when I face consequences I don't like and can't get out of.  I have been really good at getting around difficulties except for my emotions and my weight/food issues.  And that has been extremely frustrating. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way.  The only way is acceptance.  Wow. 

Blessed be.