Stop and Start Recovery - learning from a sponsee

This morning, I am playing my spiritual music list and right now the Bellamy Brothers' song, Let Your Love Flow, is on.  It’s been a dark few days here mood-wise and that is challenging.  I weighed myself this morning and I am losing and regaining the same five pounds!  Since New Year, I’ve done it twice and I have been bouncing around the same numbers since the end of July.  My sense is I am in some sort of holding pattern there so I am praying for insight on what I need to accept / acknowledge / understand / surrender to move forward.  So that’s for my two-way writing prayer meditation this week.

It occurred to me that my erstwhile sponsee is showing me this pattern but in big capital letters and broad strokes.  She will email me that she wants to start working her program again and then she doesn’t actually start.  Or if she starts, it’s a day at the most and then she stops.  A few weeks, maybe a month pass.  And I keep the channel open but I don't chase her.  I cannot work anyone else's program for them.  And as a sponsor, all I have is my experience, strength, and hope to offer.  Seeing her struggle is a reminder of how painful my life is when I struggle.  

Last week she emailed me a quick note yet again, thanking me for staying in touch periodically and that this was an ‘interim’ email saying she has her head around her again.  She shared that she’ll work her plan and let me know how it goes later that night.  And then radio silence!  So she is struggling with moving forward and consistent effort.  

I reflect on this from my sponsee as I consider my bouncing stagnant physical recovery as a symptom of the health of my spiritual program more generally.  I acknowledge to myself and to God that I am maintaining about a 75 lb weight loss for which I am very grateful.  However, abstinence is working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.  While I am healthier, I am not a healthy body weight yet.  

Bouncing around, losing the same five pounds, is a stop and start physical recovery.  This is hard on my body.  It is also hard on my emotional recovery - a symptom of spiritual unease.  There's some block there to moving ahead, trusting God I have the strength to do the work necessary to move toward a healthy body weight.  Trusting God that I can safely face the uncertainty that comes with feeling smaller in my body.

And this brings me to a version of the Step 8 prayer I read recently:

God, in my illness, I have harmed myself.  Grant me compassion, tolerance, and patience. Save me from negativity now as I move toward healing. 

Blessed be.

Not Getting My Way: Resentment, Anger and Fear (yesterday, today and tomorrow)

Resentment is from 'not getting my way' yesterday.

Anger is not getting my way – today.

Fear is not getting my way tomorrow.

The ONLY day I can do anything about is TODAY.

One day at a time. 

So I inventory my resentments of yesterday and my fears of tomorrow.

I take swift action in Step 10 about my angers that arise today.

Food Plan Documents

Click here

See also the March 2017 OA Sea to Sky newsletter article on food plans here.

Effort, a Plan and Faith

The quote in For Today this morning is from Antoine de Saint Exupery, who wrote the wonderful children's book, The Little Prince.  It reads:

As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it.

Today, I am not planning the outcome, I am only working my process.  I ask God to help direct the outcome of my actions, the changes I am making, and my recovery.  I take responsibility for my wild self, just as the Little Prince did the fox, the flower.

Never in a million years did I realize how much work recovery would be.  Now I know it takes daily, consistent, dedicated effort.  There are no days off.  There are no holidays.  These are false luxuries which set me back in my recovery.  I choose daily - am I working toward recovery, am I making myself more able?  Or am I choosing a set back, self harm?   And I make my choice.  Free will.  Yet I know I am happier if I surrender my wilful, wild self to what someone who loves me wants for me, what my Higher Power would want me to be.  There's work involved in that but it is worth it.

Another quote attributed to Antoine de Saint Exupery that fits with today is, "The one thing that matters is the effort."  

Blessed be.

Anger and Recovery

I never expected to feel such a steady storm of anger in recovery.  I wish I felt more joyous as I approach my first abstinence birthday.  Instead, I am irritable easily and often lately.  I am frustrated - a combination of sad and mad - that my recovery is taking so long.  I am angry that my past haunts me, that depression lurks to darken my days, that some days just being is very hard.

I know the Big Book says we have to let go of our angers, our resentments:

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.  The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us.  They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for [addicts] these things are poison. [Big Book, p.66]

Being angry about the past is not only useless, it is harmful to my recovery.  My future depends on setting aside past hurts, past resentments -- not because it was right or fair or just that they happened - but because it is in my best interest to let them go.

The Promises talk about how we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it [Big Book, p.83].  I am not there yet.  Some days I am.  Some days, the past hangs over me like a smothering wet blanket, blocking all light, all progress, all life.

At this stage in my recovery, anger is not even a luxury, it is a force that threatens my abstinence.  Even justified anger, as I work through a legal process resulting from someone else's inattention damaging me, is harmful to my serenity, my equilibrium, my ability to move forward unaltered by self harm or self abuse.

The AA 12&12 is helpful, I find, on anger.  In the discussion on the daily inventory, Step 10, it reads:

...we have found that justified anger ought to be let to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we [addicts].  It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not.  A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective.  Nor were we ever skilful at separating justified from unjustified anger.  As we saw it, our wrath was always justified.  Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely.  These emotional 'dry benders' often led straight to the bottle.  [...]

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.  We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument.  the same goes for sulking or silent scorn.  These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness.  Our first job is to sidestep the traps.  When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think.  for we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic. [AA 12&12, pp. 90-91]

...we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means.  It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like, us are suffering from the pains of growing up. [p.92]

And I am reminded of the passage in the OA 12&12 about Step 1 where it says "we never grew up".  Well, I'm growing up now.  With all the pains, tantrums, storms, and learning that comes with it.

Blessed be.

The Basics: Things I can change...

One of my OA friends shared about how lonely and unhappy she is at New Year’s – another year where she has no husband, no children, not the life she wanted or expected by now.  And I find myself thinking if I can lose 10 pounds a month, I will be close to a normal weight by next Christmas.  At the same time, I know physical recovery is only one part of it and last time I got close, I completely crashed emotionally.  And I am not sure if I am strong enough to try again.  The doctor is saying the two goals is to fix the depression and my weight.  So.  I need to gather my reserves and try.  

At the same time, I am feeling adrift, lost, and unhappy.  I was the only single person at Christmas other than the children.  And it has been that way for years.  My whole life.  And I have not responded to B’s email because nothing has changed, I can feel that.  I’m lonely and I would like cuddles.  So would he.  But I will feel worse about myself if I trade holiday loneliness for less than meaningful sex.  So I am putting on music, I am doing some of my work and I am just letting myself be sad.

I hear the woman and I watch her speak.  She is beautiful.  She is tall, thin, with high cheekbones, dark hair and eyes.  And she says things I feel.  And I sit beside her, fat to her thin, normal height to her skyscraper, lighter hair to her dark, lighter eyes to hers.  And the main difference between us is I am not a bulimic.  That is probably a difference that would surprise a lot of outsiders.  It surprised me when I first came to OA. 

I remember judging the bulimics and the recovering anorexics when I first came to OA.  I thought being fat was an entirely different issue.  You look so normal – even like models, some of you.  And yet when I listened, I heard how you are so unhappy too.  But now I see it as just another variation on the pain I feel, I put myself through, the self-hatred, the loathing, the perfectionism, the not good enough, the numbing out.  So I am learning not to judge other people for I really don’t know much on the surface about what they are living with or through.  I see their pain and I don’t know how to fix it any more than I know what to do for myself other than the next right thing.  Hopefully it will build into the right life.  I have faith it will grow me to be right-sized for the life I do have.

Today's For Today reading is helpful.  It starts with the Serenity Prayer.  That helps.  A lot.  It also says this:

I was spending most of my energy on things I could not change, worrying, fretting, and trying to make them come out my way.  Meanwhile, I was ignoring things that I could change, spinning my wheels where they did the least good.  No wonder I felt so much stress and self-loathing.  Now, when I find myself troubles by an issue or a situation, I can think about it while I say the Serenity Prayer.  If it is something I can change, I think of the steps I can take to begin the change, and I pray for the willingness to take action.  If it something I cannot change, I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for the willingness to accept it.  This exercise brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God’s presence.

So I try.  I pray.  And I feel my overwhelm change, slowly, but surely, how I am feeling this morning.  I am feeling a bit better.  And this loneliness, this unhappiness, this frustration with my physical recovery -- these are all things I can change.  So I think about the steps I can take to begin the change and I pray for the willingness to take action.

Blessed be.

Day 3 - and why are so many others in OA silent about the state of their recovery?

It's day 3 for me.  I got to day 28 and slipped.  It wasn't a big slip - I had 10 oz of ice cream to numb my feelings in the fallout after seeing a trauma counsellor.  So, it was not really a classic binge.  What it was:  the classic use of sugar and fat to avoid feeling how I feel.  That's an abuse of food.  That's a compulsive food behaviour.  That's not abstinent.

So I didn't take my 30 day coin (again) last night at my home meeting.  I shared about my experience.  I had people privately thank me later.

But you know what?  There were 9 other people at the meeting.  Only one other talked about her abstinence in any detail.  Most people talked about their struggles.  Which is fine.  But where is the abstinence?  There were two long time members not there last night - I know both are not abstinent this week.  Which is fine.  But one of them stayed away from the meeting and kept quiet.  And I think I know why.  And that's not ok.

I am concerned about that lack of recovery in my home group.  I am concerned about the lack of physical recovery at my Intergroup.  The spiritual recovery is also shaky at times - you can see it when people's character defects show up at the meeting in how they respond to adversity, to frustration, to inter-personal relationships. 

None of this is to say I am doing it right or better than anyone else.  But I am being honest and open.  And I don't see everyone else doing that.  Then again, one of my character defects is wanting to police the behaviour of others so they meet my expectations.  So.  Enough.  Today is my day 3.  I will work my program the best I can.  And I will send loving kindness that everyone else does what they need to do to support their recovery today too.

Blessed be.

Paper versus Digital

It's a peaceful grey still morning here - the rain has stopped for the moment and the cat is hanging out on the desk like a paper weight.  It occurred to me I haven't been using this blog much for almost two months.  And I realized the reason was because I have been doing all my recovery work in a notebook with pen and ink.  Old school! 

I read the Big Book and some of the language reads old school and that's ok too.  More than ok.  A more than viable alternative to digital living. 

So I'm working on my step study and distilling my list of character defects, shortcomings and harmful behaviours.  I asked two friends outside of program but sympathetic to 12 step to have a look.  So far, one has honestly and helpfully said I did not include the "I want what I want when I want it, damn the consequences" mindset under self-centredness.  Yep.  That's both fair and a classic statement on addiction.  #workinprogress

Blessed be.

Living my Program: Into Action

He does not believe that does not live by his belief.  - Thomas Fuller*

This morning's reading is a reminder that my recovery is a program of action, not just writing and thinking.  So far, I have an active plan of eating, a consistent reading/writing program, and a nightly AEIOU inventory with my OA buddy.  I also have service to my home group and intergroup.  Where can my program be stronger?  I am not making much progress toward a healthy body weight.  That is my increased focus by tracking my food and activities so I have a mindful awareness of what my actions are contributing toward physical recovery.

The reading in For Today says:

Do the principles I believe in have any relation to my daily life?  I may think the twelve-step program is great, but how can I say it works if I merely admire it rather than live by it?  When I arrived in OA, what I heard rang true because it came out experience, not theory.

Anyone can "learn" the program, but to achieve recovery it promises takes more than intellectual understanding; it takes sustained effort to apply its spiritual principles in every area of my life.  Only then -- when I am practicing what I say I believe in -- can I give it away to another compulsive overeater.

For today, I discipline myself by not 'talking program' unless I am trying to work it.  If I believe that ours is a program of recovery, I will live by that belief.

Blessed be.

*Thomas Fuller, 1608-1661, English churchman and historian.  He also wrote, "One who would have the fruit must climb the tree."

Open Wide to What You Want

open wide.
give your desires words, out loud words.
tenderly gaze of the eye to eye.
expose your craving any way you must,
under a blanket or backed by a rented band.
reveal your intentions, clean.
stand there, vulnerable, waiting.
describe your dream, in detail.
clarify what you're afraid of and give faith to the opposite.
engage every cell in fiercely wishing:
to be seen, to be graduated, adored, valued, validated, met.
the moment holds it all.  give it then and there.
even if it didn't work out before, or you're not sure what will come out of you to make for something new.
(you can't be sure.)
blow off the past.
ask for what you want.
unzip the casing of your personality and let that inner layer feel the air.  smart warm life.
do it front of another being.
this is terrifying relief:
to merge
out in front
melting edges
contributing
punctuations of ecstasy
everyday happiness deepening
we know.
pulse open.  open.  open.
you will get hurt.  shattered -- guaranteed.
a glance will cut.  denial will bruise, rejection will fracture.
you'll cry.  clenched.  you'll be infuriated.  you may choose to walk away - agonized.
leave, quit.  swing back.  shoot a dart of defence.
you'll regret it -- more or less.
if you stay there, closed down 'round your core, then you'll never leave the house feeling like yourself.
you'll pad your soul with stuff destined for landfills.
piles of dislike and complaints will heave between you and bliss.
(bliss is possible.  we know.)
itchy. tight.  foggy.  this happens when the heart is veiled.
nothing will ever be quite right, day after day.
pulse back open.
do it to be it.
lean toward.
worship your precious impulses.
focus to expansion
this once.
open
up
any
way
you
can.

(by Danielle Laporte)

Shadow and Substance

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow - Aesop.

Today's reading reminds me that my recovery is spiritual first, and then physical recovery flows from that.  I have been feeling badly about my weight and -- well more accurately, I have been feeling bad about my physical condition.  I am still in pain from the car accident injuries, I tire very easily, and left to my own devices, I will sleep and eat carbohydrates. 

I was reminded, however, that my size is not so different than it was four years ago, when I wore a holiday top last night I hadn't worn for a couple years.  And my heart was feeling less depressed, less anxious, and less unworthy of going to a party than I did the first time I remember wearing the top. 

It is always fun to see the backstory to the little quotes that start off the For Today reading.  Today's quote is from Aesop, of Aesop's Fables fame.  It is the proverb which ends the story titled, "The Dog and the Shadow".  It reads:

It happened that a dog had found a piece of meat and was carrying it home in his mouth to eat it in peace. On his way back to his home, he occasioned to cross a wooden plank lying across a fast-running brook.  As he crossed the plank, he looked down and saw his own shadow reflected in the burbling water beneath. Thinking it was another dog with another piece of meat, he made up his mind to have that piece too. So, he made a snap at the shadow in the water, but as he opened his mouth the piece of meat fell out, dropped into the water, and was promptly swept away and never again seen.  Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.

Don’t let slip the things you have that are real and substantive in the pursuit of the ephemeral, the prospective, or the offhandedly promised.  My recovery is long term, every day, and real.  I do not need to chase quick fixes, magic potions or silver bullets.

Blessed be.