Let's not louse this up. Let's keep it simple.

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. - Hans Hoffman.

I am feeling lost.  In some ways, I know what I need to be doing.  At the same time, I am unsure, uncertain, and overwhelmed.  It seems insurmountable to heal my body, my mind, my spirit.  I have teeny bits of progress and yet I still feel like I'm drowning.  Time goes by and it is as if I watch the clouds.

Today's reading is about simplicity.  It says:

One of the most profound utterances in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous is Dr. Bob's parting plea to Bill W, "Let's not louse this thing up.  Let's keep it simple," 

Overeaters Anonymous has its share of compulsive complicators.  They lard the program with mandatory procedures and other distractions.  If newcomers succeed in finding out what the program is about in this welter of the unnecessary, it may well be because they have an innate ability to simplify. 

For today, I pray to be reminded of the simple principles of this program, especially when I am tempted to present personal interpretations as the only way.

I was at Intergroup over the weekend.  What I saw were a lot of people simply showing up to report that their meeting has 6 to 8 people, one or two newcomers, and things are going well.  The vacant leadership positions -- literature coordinator, assistant treasurer, 12th Step Within coordinator, etc -- all went unanswered for the third month in a row that I've been there.  Do we need these positions?  Clearly we are functioning without them.  Why won't these people who show up each month take on a little bit extra?  I don't know.  They are not moved by the entreaty to service. 

This morning I am contemplating what I do for others versus what I do for myself.  I think I have a complicated relationship with being useful.  It reminds me, however, of the Marge Piercy poem.  I think it is true and pure, untainted by selfishness or ego.

To be of use
By Marge Piercy          

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

But the thing worth doing well done

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,

Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

Blessed be.

Open Wide to What You Want

open wide.
give your desires words, out loud words.
tenderly gaze of the eye to eye.
expose your craving any way you must,
under a blanket or backed by a rented band.
reveal your intentions, clean.
stand there, vulnerable, waiting.
describe your dream, in detail.
clarify what you're afraid of and give faith to the opposite.
engage every cell in fiercely wishing:
to be seen, to be graduated, adored, valued, validated, met.
the moment holds it all.  give it then and there.
even if it didn't work out before, or you're not sure what will come out of you to make for something new.
(you can't be sure.)
blow off the past.
ask for what you want.
unzip the casing of your personality and let that inner layer feel the air.  smart warm life.
do it front of another being.
this is terrifying relief:
to merge
out in front
melting edges
contributing
punctuations of ecstasy
everyday happiness deepening
we know.
pulse open.  open.  open.
you will get hurt.  shattered -- guaranteed.
a glance will cut.  denial will bruise, rejection will fracture.
you'll cry.  clenched.  you'll be infuriated.  you may choose to walk away - agonized.
leave, quit.  swing back.  shoot a dart of defence.
you'll regret it -- more or less.
if you stay there, closed down 'round your core, then you'll never leave the house feeling like yourself.
you'll pad your soul with stuff destined for landfills.
piles of dislike and complaints will heave between you and bliss.
(bliss is possible.  we know.)
itchy. tight.  foggy.  this happens when the heart is veiled.
nothing will ever be quite right, day after day.
pulse back open.
do it to be it.
lean toward.
worship your precious impulses.
focus to expansion
this once.
open
up
any
way
you
can.

(by Danielle Laporte)

Feeling at Home

We carry our homes within us which enable us to fly.  - John Cage

Where I live is inside myself.  My home is mine to keep exactly as it has always been -- or to change it.  The steps tell me how to clean and rearrange my home; when I am ready, my Higher Power removes stubborn defects I can do nothing about.  I alone can clutter up the space I live in with resentments, anger, self-pity -- and I alone can deal with that clutter.  I have the tools I need and helpers standing by.  I no longer have to be a victim, letting old ideas creep in and destructive thoughts pile up.  The OA program shows me how to keep my home in good order.

For today:  am I comfortable within my self?  Do I give myself the cleanliness, warmth and caring I need?

This is the reading for today. It resonates, as do most of the readings.  If I cannot be at home in my own skin, I have work to do.  And I have work to do.

I had to Google John Cage.  John Milton Cage (1912-1992) is an American composer and music theoretician.  The quote for today is from his Essay about Nothing, published in 1959, in a cadence like musical notation but in English deconstructed poetry form.  I think I remember this, kind of, from English at University.  Carlos Williams Carlos and something about a red wagon.

This lecture, however, is an answer -- of sorts -- kind of polemic, really (but through a composer's notation) of a number of questions which are apparently not important.  It is interesting to see visually, the text repeats and is broken.  You can see it here:  https://seansturm.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/john-cage-lecture-on-nothing.pdf

And the famous quote (reproduced above) is not the full sentence.  The full passage reads:

How different this form sense is from that which is bound up with memory:  themes and secondary themes; their struggle; their development; the climax; the recapitulation (which is the belief that one may own one's own home).  But actually, unlike the snail, we carry our homes within us, which enables us to fly or to stay -- to enjoy each.

How much richer it is in context.  And to see it as Cage meant it to be set on paper.  Always go to the source.  Always find your way home.

Blessed be.

No forcing, no holding back

I love this Rilke poem for all it says and for its beauty:

All that has never yet been spoken

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for

may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.


May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,

streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

Poem for today - Marge Piercy, To Be of Use

To be of use

BY MARGE PIERCY

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

But the thing worth doing well done

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,

Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

Source: Circles on the Water: Selected Poems of Marge Piercy (Alfred A. Knopf, 1982)

For today - love

Listen - are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

...
You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.  - Mary Oliver

This. 

This is What You Shall Do

This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.

Walt Whitman, 1855, The Leaves of Grass, preface excerpt

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, 1927

For Today - Prayer and Meditation

Nowhere can a man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.  - Marcus Aurelius

Aurelius was both right and wrong, in my experience.  Sometimes there is no more troubled retreat than my own soul.

I went to a mindfulness meditation class yesterday.  We did two 10 minutes meditations, one more guided than the other.  My mind was bouncing around from what I need to do, to what I have done, to all sorts of things.  I had to guide myself back to my breath countless times.  The meditation teacher, Andrea, was kind in describing this when others in the class commented they had the same experience.  She said this was good -- an opportunity to build the muscle of mindfulness with practice. 

The For Today affirmation this morning is this:  "For today, I need no formal knowledge to pray and meditate, just a conscious effort to open myself to whatever comes."  This is a kind of acceptance I struggle with.  Bingeing takes me away from the emotions that make me uncomfortable.  Today, I am going to practice sitting with whatever comes.

This reminds me of the poem, The Guest House, by Rumi that one of my meditation teachers years ago read.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

We are all meant to shine, as children do...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Poem from my Mom - For A New Beginning by John O'Donahue

For A New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

- John O'Donoghue, To Bless the Space Between Us