A More Peaceful Approach to Living

It's  snowy Sunday morning and I am reflecting on my week.  The house is quiet, nature is still outside, and insulated in a clean white layer of snow.  The cat is meditating on the edge of my table, coffee is hot, and I feel more content than usual.

One of the readings for today (in Voices of Recovery) talks about 12 step recovery as finding a more peaceful approach to living.  No longer do I use all my energy to try to make things happen.  No longer am I constantly met with frustration, disappointment and feelings of failure or self-pity (all of which led me to the food).  I am learning to stop.  To ask for help.  To pray for guidance.  To contemplate options.  I am starting to anticipate the effect of my actions on me and on others.  It's calming.  It's comforting.  It's easier.

With all that is going on in my inner world and in the world around me, a more peaceful approach to living makes life better.  I do not need to struggle, to fight, to rail against what is.  I can be still and see more.  More beauty.  More hope.  More peace.

Blessed be.

Enough

To be alive is Power / Existence in itself / Without further function / Omnipotence enough. - Emily Dickinson

It is early, dark and cold.  I am getting started with my day.  And the reading is about enoughness:

I am alive.  I can make of that fact anything I want.  I need no terms or conditions to exercise the power of life.  All I have to do is live now.  It is enough.  There may be life in the future, and there was certainly life in the past, but my footing is in the present.  Today is where the past has its meaning, and where the future is shaped.  looking far forward, mapping out my life in the future, I waste the power of the present.  And lingering in the past, twisting its circumstances and falsifying its memory is an injustice to both past and present.  I am thankful that my past has brought me to this present, where I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live. 

For today, I revel in the power of being alive and I thank God I am not afraid to exercise it to the fullest today.

This.  I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live.  Before, I was using all my energy and spirit not to die.  There is a big difference.  I want to feel whole, at ease, beautiful, loving and energized in the present moment and in all I choose to do today.

Blessed be.

Just being quiet

I read the daily readings tonight.  I have had a quiet day.  Quiet and peaceful. 

Blessed be.

Quietly and with a Calm Spirit

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.  Commend all to God and then be still and be at rest in His bosom. - St. Francis de Sales*

The reading for today it about inward peace.  It says:

Inward peace is not easily come by for a compulsive eater.  Stuffing down anxiety and fear with food gives an illusion of calm, but food as an anaesthetic has the shortest lifespan of all the addictive substances.

How, then, do I maintain inward peace?  The same way I remain abstinent -- by giving everything to God:  my fears, my worries, my life.  I abandon all efforts to control, to force life to conform to my will.  And I rest as peacefully as an infant in her mother's arms.

I am feeling pressured about the holidays.  Three presents I ordered by mail in November have yet to arrive.  I have almond brittle to make which is time consuming and requires precision or it will either burn or not set.  I have presents to wrap.  My organizing project is still in progress.  And I am having some health issues. 

At the same time, I am fortunate to have the resources to solve my present problems.  I can deal with the lost shipment.  I know how to make the brittle and have the tools I need to do it successfully.  I am further on my organization project than I have been for years.  And I have a doctor I can consult tomorrow for relief of my symptoms.  So I can turn this all over and be at peace.  I just have to keep going.  This is a program of action, after all.

*St. Francis de Sales is a French nobleman and priest, from the late 1400s to 1527.  He is the patron of writers and also the deaf for his love of books, language, and creation of an early sign language.  He believed in charity over penance.  That makes sense for my purposes today.

Blessed be.

Keep peace within myself

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others. - Thomas a Kempis

I am struggling with my frustration with a friend.  He is doing very little to help himself and letting me and another friend do an incredible amount of work to sort out a major multi-year problem with his financial records and taxes.  I wonder if I am being used.  I wonder if I am being of service.  I wonder if I am being judgmental around him shirking his civic duties. 

I feel on edge about it.  We are so close to getting this finished.  I resent how much energy and space this is taking up in my head.  My own work is undone.  And I ask a simple thing like would you be willing to feed my cat for a couple days and he would rather not.  I can easily copy without his help. 

But what does this say about our friendship that I extend myself over and over and he does not, not for himself, not for me?  I think he is not in a place where he can do anything differently.  That must be the case.  And his other friend and I have done more than normal friends would do to be of help because we care and because we both need to be needed. We spoke at length, this other friend of his and me, last night.  Our stories are quite similar in some respects.  But she's been bailing him out on this financial record keeping for more than 10 years.  When she flat out said no she wouldn't do the manual labour of organizing all the records this time, he asked me.  And now she's doing the book keeping, with a mixed heart, just as I am cajoling him into getting the missing records we need. 

He keeps saying I am being patronizing or controlling or making him feel like an idiot.  I think he is being an idiot about this.  He has no sense of urgency or planning to get the project done.  It is like his friend and I care more about the project than he does.  And maybe that's true?  Maybe he really doesn't care that he is wasting limited financial resources, struggling more than he has to, and foregoing financial benefits to which he is entitled.  I find that really hard to understand. 

I am trying to practice acceptance.  At the same time, I would like to see this project done.  It is disrupting my own sense of well being.  I think I need to let go.  It makes me cry.  I feel resentful, angry, frustrated.  I don't understand his way of thinking or being in the world.  I need to focus on my own well being.

Blessed be.

Peaceful mind, happier heart

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose. - Mary Wollstonecraft

I came to OA because I wanted to get well more than I wanted to eat.  That is the steady purpose that directs my life today.  I place freedom from compulsive overeating before everything else because I do not want to return to the life I had without it.  Before OA, the only tranquility I knew was to anaesthetize myself with food, an indulgence for which I paid dearly the rest of the time.  Nothing could save me from the mental and emotional anguish and confusion of being fat, feeling guilty, and hating myself for lack of control.

Today I am not confused about who I am and what I am doing.  I am a compulsive eater, relieved by the grace of God from the obsession, and recovering in this place I call home.

For today:  Staying aware of my purpose in living by the OA program is my true source of peace of mind.  Therefore it is my number one priority, and nothing -- no food, no circumstance, no person -- can tempt me to give it up.

This is the reading for October 31 in For Today.  It's almost 2 pm as I write this and I have finished the lunch I had planned for myself.  I have done more this morning than I have in weeks.  In fact, I have done more in the last 24 hours than I have for a long time.  I usually set my food plan the day before and send it to my food buddy (God love her).  Last night, I also set three small goals of things I wanted to get done today.  Some days, I have a hard time getting myself fed and through the shower with clean hair and clothes.  Depression really hurts. 

Today, however, I am blessed with a more peaceful mind and a happier heart.  When I read the quote from Mary Wollstonecraft*, I initially reacted negatively to the idea of tranquilizing my mind.  But a tranquil mind - that I can get behind whole heartedly.  The root word is one of peace and I now the difference now between seeking to anaesthetize myself with food and seeking a tranquil spirit through practicing my 12 Steps, being of service, and working my cognitive behaviour techniques, including meditation.

Just for today.  Blessed be.

* feminist, philosopher, writer, depressive.  English, 1759-1797.

Feeling at Home

We carry our homes within us which enable us to fly.  - John Cage

Where I live is inside myself.  My home is mine to keep exactly as it has always been -- or to change it.  The steps tell me how to clean and rearrange my home; when I am ready, my Higher Power removes stubborn defects I can do nothing about.  I alone can clutter up the space I live in with resentments, anger, self-pity -- and I alone can deal with that clutter.  I have the tools I need and helpers standing by.  I no longer have to be a victim, letting old ideas creep in and destructive thoughts pile up.  The OA program shows me how to keep my home in good order.

For today:  am I comfortable within my self?  Do I give myself the cleanliness, warmth and caring I need?

This is the reading for today. It resonates, as do most of the readings.  If I cannot be at home in my own skin, I have work to do.  And I have work to do.

I had to Google John Cage.  John Milton Cage (1912-1992) is an American composer and music theoretician.  The quote for today is from his Essay about Nothing, published in 1959, in a cadence like musical notation but in English deconstructed poetry form.  I think I remember this, kind of, from English at University.  Carlos Williams Carlos and something about a red wagon.

This lecture, however, is an answer -- of sorts -- kind of polemic, really (but through a composer's notation) of a number of questions which are apparently not important.  It is interesting to see visually, the text repeats and is broken.  You can see it here:  https://seansturm.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/john-cage-lecture-on-nothing.pdf

And the famous quote (reproduced above) is not the full sentence.  The full passage reads:

How different this form sense is from that which is bound up with memory:  themes and secondary themes; their struggle; their development; the climax; the recapitulation (which is the belief that one may own one's own home).  But actually, unlike the snail, we carry our homes within us, which enables us to fly or to stay -- to enjoy each.

How much richer it is in context.  And to see it as Cage meant it to be set on paper.  Always go to the source.  Always find your way home.

Blessed be.

For Today - Peace

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

This morning's reading reminds me:

I cannot will myself to have peace of mind, but I can re-examine my priorities.  Am I putting enough time and effort into activities that nurture my spirit?

Um, no.  So it's time to re-examine my priorities.  What I am doing is not bringing me peace.  So for today, I am going to consider how I use my time and to what use I put my efforts.

Blessings.

For Today -- Inner Peace

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.  If you find that you have wandered away from the shelter of God, lead your heart back to Him quietly and simply.   -- St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622)

I am feeling rested, peaceful even, although there is much to do to get ready for Christmas and travel to be with family. 

One sign that my spirit is not as calm as I could be is my thoughts are darting around my mental to-do list:  wrap presents, make my Dad's favourite treat, pick up a few last things at the grocery store, tidy the house, laundry, blah, blah, blah.  Breathe.  Just for now, I am focusing on my recovery, my tools of reading and writing.  I am at rest.

The reading this morning also says:

Stuffing down anxiety and fear with food gives an illusion of calm, but food as an anesthetic has the shortest lifespan of all the addictive substances.

How, then, do I maintain inward peace?  The same way I remain abstinent -- by giving everything to God:  my fears, my worries, my life.  I abandon all efforts to control, to force life to conform to my will.  And I rest as peacefully as an infant in its mother's arms.

It is from this place of peace and rest that I can focus on what is truly important.  Even the mundane things that have to get done are important but not all at once.  Some of the reminders that help me are:  first things first; one thing at a time; one day at a time.  It is having a scattered mind, whirling with all the things not done, not perfect, that helps drives me to anxiety and excess food.  And so I breathe.  I rest. 

This morning's quote from St. Francis de Sales prompted me to look him up (of course!).  He was a very well Jesuit educated French / Italian nobleman, a lawyer, priest and author, and later a Catholic saint who lived in Lyon, France in the late 15th and early 16th century.  Some of his thoughts that have received wide currency include:

• Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.
• When we discover that our lute is out of tune we must neither break the strings nor throw the instrument aside.
• If we really knew ourselves, instead of being astonished at finding ourselves on the ground, we should marvel how we sometimes manage to remain upright.
• The measure of love is to love without measure.
• Blessed are the hearts that bend; they shall never be broken.
• Half an hour's meditation each day is essential, except when you are busy.  Then a full hour is needed.

Indeed.  I enter this day with a peaceful heart.

For Today -- Peace (Hear my Prayer, O Lord)

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others. -- Thomas a Kempis

I have a peaceful, happy kind of exhaustion this morning.  On reading this morning about peace, the only thing that really comes to mind is the old prayer from childhood from Psalms 143 including how I remembered it.  (Love that I thought in homonyms!):

Here [sic] my prayer, O Lord. 

Hear my prayer, O Lord. 

Incline Thy ear to us, 

And grant us Thy Peace.

In this cool, watery sunshine morning, I wanted to hear this prayer sung.  Perhaps I should not have been surprised but this prayer has many variants in song, the most well known being by Purcell and then other versions by Felix Mendelssohn and Dvorak.  I love all three composers but none is the version I remember from childhood. 

We used this as a simple supplication in the middle of the service, I think.  I found it, in part, in this arrangement of Protestant hymns called, If My People Will Pray with "Hear our Prayer, O Lord."  The part I remember is the piano prelude and then the part at minute 2.56 in this recording:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdzj3bkZU5M  This was arranged by Keith Christopher but I don't know who is the original composer. 

Then I searched a bit more -- and I found it!  This Response is what we sang when I was a child and I have relied on to this day.  It's from the 1959 Psalter Hymnal and was composed by George Whelpton (English-American, 1847-1930):  www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ51zJRfUds   There is something in its simplicity and faith that I find so comforting.  It channels peace in four simple lines. 

Back to the original quote for this morning about peace by medieval Dutch cleric, Thomas a Kempis (1380-1471).  I love that he also wrote this:

I have sought everywhere for peace, but I have found it not save in nooks and in books.

but this too:

At the Day of Judgment we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done. [The Imitation of Christ, Book 1, ch. 3]

I am reminded that as much of one of the gifts of my program is peace, I have to work for it.  For in Recovery, two of our tools are reading and writing but this is a practical program of action first and foremost:

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves that we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done."  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.  We become much more efficient.  We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

...

It works-- it really does.

We [alcoholics] are undisciplined.  So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.

But that is not all.  There is action and more action.  "Faith without works is dead." [Big Book, p.87-88].

Hear my prayer, O Lord.