Expectations and Arguing with God

This morning, I am reflecting on acceptance vs. control this morning.  And I am weighing the balance I have between ‘doing the footwork’ vs. expectations about the results.  How control and expectations lead me to resentments.  And I cannot afford to stay in that emotional space.  It is a threat to my emotional sobriety, to my conscious contact with God, to pretty much anything that helps me be less crazy in addiction, in my relationships with God, with myself, and with others.

My expectation is often that I can control the results if I work hard enough.  And that if I don’t get the results I want, I have failed.  That this is sometimes true makes me expect it to be true every time.  And when it isn’t, I am shocked, unhappy and angry.  The mystery in recovery is that I do not have to understand or accept God’s evaluation of my work.  It just is.

And yet, often I just don’t understand God’s will and I feel strongly about that.  However, I have to accept that I don’t have to understand everything.  If me not understanding today means I make a similar mistake in the future, I will just have to live with the consequences.  That is just a learning opportunity, another chance for growth.  When I go too far in trying to explain or justify my process out of the belief God is wrong, the universe made a mistake… well, that just doesn’t work.

I can try to understand where I went wrong, but getting into an argument with God, back talk really, is never going to be productive.  This is not a relationship of equality.  I’m not the director.  And I cannot manipulate outcomes long-term by sheer will.  It isn’t healthy.  It doesn’t work.  And it is not acceptable to God.

I can be confused and not resentful.  I can be frustrated and not lash out in anger or self-harm.  I can just be ok with “I did my best and I’m happy with that” on the one hand and “God didn’t give me the outcome I feel my work deserves and I am unhappy with that” on the other hand.  It doesn’t feel great but I can accept that this is how I feel right now.

I do this work of recovery because I know deep in my heart this is what God wants for me.  Happy, joyous and free.  I accept that sometimes obedience is just doing exactly what I’m told, without adding to it or changing it.  I accept that I may interpret a task differently than God does and God gets to evaluate the results, not me.  I could be angry that sometimes diligence is rewarded and sometimes it is not but that only feeds my anger.  I don’t need more reasons to be angry.  It gets me into trouble in life and it takes me further from God.  That is not the pattern I am trying to foster for myself.

In the rooms this week, I heard someone say “sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I learn!”  I can be grateful when I make some progress.  Focus on the big picture, not the momentary frustration of not getting what I want.  I can rise above a temper tantrum.  I am a child of God but I am not a child.  I am reminded of the passage in the Big Book (p.88):

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, “Thy will be done.”  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions.  We become much more efficient.  We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

I can be grateful I am learning how to process anger, overwhelm, and anxiety.  There is a lot of good in this.  I do not need to make my progress feel sour by being angry at God’s evaluation of where I am in this journey. 

While I am allowed to talk back, to argue with God, it is not a good use of my energy.  It changes nothing.  I am learning that sometimes I will make mistakes.  Sometimes I will do everything right and not get the results I want.  And when that happens, it’s God’s will.  I may not understand and I can live with that unease.  I do not need to be right so badly that I will disrespect God by turning away, becoming self-destructive in my frustration and despair.

I’m sorry, God.  I will hold my frustration better in the future.  I will turn away from self-destruction and turn toward you.  Please help me accept the things I cannot change.

 

Stop and Start Recovery - learning from a sponsee

This morning, I am playing my spiritual music list and right now the Bellamy Brothers' song, Let Your Love Flow, is on.  It’s been a dark few days here mood-wise and that is challenging.  I weighed myself this morning and I am losing and regaining the same five pounds!  Since New Year, I’ve done it twice and I have been bouncing around the same numbers since the end of July.  My sense is I am in some sort of holding pattern there so I am praying for insight on what I need to accept / acknowledge / understand / surrender to move forward.  So that’s for my two-way writing prayer meditation this week.

It occurred to me that my erstwhile sponsee is showing me this pattern but in big capital letters and broad strokes.  She will email me that she wants to start working her program again and then she doesn’t actually start.  Or if she starts, it’s a day at the most and then she stops.  A few weeks, maybe a month pass.  And I keep the channel open but I don't chase her.  I cannot work anyone else's program for them.  And as a sponsor, all I have is my experience, strength, and hope to offer.  Seeing her struggle is a reminder of how painful my life is when I struggle.  

Last week she emailed me a quick note yet again, thanking me for staying in touch periodically and that this was an ‘interim’ email saying she has her head around her again.  She shared that she’ll work her plan and let me know how it goes later that night.  And then radio silence!  So she is struggling with moving forward and consistent effort.  

I reflect on this from my sponsee as I consider my bouncing stagnant physical recovery as a symptom of the health of my spiritual program more generally.  I acknowledge to myself and to God that I am maintaining about a 75 lb weight loss for which I am very grateful.  However, abstinence is working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.  While I am healthier, I am not a healthy body weight yet.  

Bouncing around, losing the same five pounds, is a stop and start physical recovery.  This is hard on my body.  It is also hard on my emotional recovery - a symptom of spiritual unease.  There's some block there to moving ahead, trusting God I have the strength to do the work necessary to move toward a healthy body weight.  Trusting God that I can safely face the uncertainty that comes with feeling smaller in my body.

And this brings me to a version of the Step 8 prayer I read recently:

God, in my illness, I have harmed myself.  Grant me compassion, tolerance, and patience. Save me from negativity now as I move toward healing. 

Blessed be.