Letting myself Heal

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.  - John F. Kennedy

And if it can happen for me, it can happen for you. - Lifeline Sampler, p. 317

I have spent the week out at the university, participating in a study of repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation as a treatment for major depression disorder.  The treatment itself was approved for medical use in 2002 so this is a stage 4 study on treatment protocol efficacy.  They are also looking at biomarkers for depression with the idea that the more they learn about what works for which people, the more effective treatment can be when someone is first diagnosed.  What the drug companies don't tell you is 30 to 40% of people diagnosed with major depression do not respond to any medication.  That's a lot of people.  A lot of suffering.

As someone who has been diagnosed with depression for more than 10 years (and suffered for years before that)... As someone who has tried four or five of the antidepressant drugs and spent hours and thousands of dollars on therapy... well, this offers some hope.  I was afraid to try the study, not because the risks are high, but because it's different.  For some reason, the drug monographs didn't scare me as much (even though the risks are much more extreme) but the idea of letting someone put magnetic energy into my brain was a stumbling block.  That and a very long drive to the university every day.

I realized I had made my decision when I didn't want to live like this anymore.  Too sad, too tired, too uninterested in this beautiful world and its people.  And I realized I had made peace with my decision to try when I found myself writing in an email to a loved one that I don't have the life I want, the life I could have, and I want more.  More health.  More vitality.  More love.  More courage. 

So I have driven an hour plus each way to the university for seven days now.  And I have another five weeks to go.  I find myself praying during the day, God, please help me use this energy they are putting into me to heal.

As it says in For Today, 'I can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears."  Yep.  Doing that.  And working the Steps.  Step study homework to do! 

Blessed be.