One of my OA friends shared about how
lonely and unhappy she is at New Year’s – another year where she has no
husband, no children, not the life she wanted or expected by now. And I find myself thinking if I can lose 10
pounds a month, I will be close to a normal weight by next Christmas. At the same time, I know physical recovery is
only one part of it and last time I got close, I completely crashed
emotionally. And I am not sure if I am
strong enough to try again. The
doctor is saying the two goals is to fix the depression and my weight. So. I
need to gather my reserves and try.
At
the same time, I am feeling adrift, lost, and unhappy. I was the only single person at Christmas
other than the children. And it has been
that way for years. My whole life. And I have not responded to B’s email because
nothing has changed, I can feel that.
I’m lonely and I would like cuddles. So would he. But I will feel worse about myself if I trade holiday loneliness for
less than meaningful sex. So I am
putting on music, I am doing some of my work and I am just letting myself be
sad.
I hear the woman and I watch her speak. She is beautiful. She is tall, thin, with high cheekbones, dark
hair and eyes. And she says things I
feel. And I sit beside her, fat to her
thin, normal height to her skyscraper, lighter hair to her dark, lighter eyes
to hers. And the main difference between
us is I am not a bulimic. That is
probably a difference that would surprise a lot of outsiders. It surprised me when I first came to OA.
I remember judging the bulimics and the
recovering anorexics when I first came to OA. I thought being fat was an entirely different issue. You look so normal
– even like models, some of you. And yet when I listened, I heard how you are so unhappy too. But now I see it
as just another variation on the pain I feel, I put myself through, the
self-hatred, the loathing, the perfectionism, the not good enough, the numbing
out. So I am learning not to judge other
people for I really don’t know much on the surface about what they are living
with or through. I see their pain and I
don’t know how to fix it any more than I know what to do for myself other than
the next right thing. Hopefully it will
build into the right life. I have faith
it will grow me to be right-sized for the life I do have.
Today's For Today reading is helpful. It starts with the Serenity Prayer. That helps.
A lot. It also says this:
I was spending most of my energy on things I could not change, worrying, fretting, and trying to make them come out my way. Meanwhile, I was ignoring things that I could change, spinning my wheels where they did the least good. No wonder I felt so much stress and self-loathing. Now, when I find myself troubles by an issue or a situation, I can think about it while I say the Serenity Prayer. If it is something I can change, I think of the steps I can take to begin the change, and I pray for the willingness to take action. If it something I cannot change, I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for the willingness to accept it. This exercise brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God’s presence.
So I try. I pray. And I feel my overwhelm change, slowly, but surely, how I am feeling this morning.
I am feeling a bit better. And
this loneliness, this unhappiness, this frustration with my physical recovery -- these are all things I can change. So I think about the steps I can take to begin the change and I pray for the willingness to take action.
Blessed be.
