The Basics: Things I can change...

One of my OA friends shared about how lonely and unhappy she is at New Year’s – another year where she has no husband, no children, not the life she wanted or expected by now.  And I find myself thinking if I can lose 10 pounds a month, I will be close to a normal weight by next Christmas.  At the same time, I know physical recovery is only one part of it and last time I got close, I completely crashed emotionally.  And I am not sure if I am strong enough to try again.  The doctor is saying the two goals is to fix the depression and my weight.  So.  I need to gather my reserves and try.  

At the same time, I am feeling adrift, lost, and unhappy.  I was the only single person at Christmas other than the children.  And it has been that way for years.  My whole life.  And I have not responded to B’s email because nothing has changed, I can feel that.  I’m lonely and I would like cuddles.  So would he.  But I will feel worse about myself if I trade holiday loneliness for less than meaningful sex.  So I am putting on music, I am doing some of my work and I am just letting myself be sad.

I hear the woman and I watch her speak.  She is beautiful.  She is tall, thin, with high cheekbones, dark hair and eyes.  And she says things I feel.  And I sit beside her, fat to her thin, normal height to her skyscraper, lighter hair to her dark, lighter eyes to hers.  And the main difference between us is I am not a bulimic.  That is probably a difference that would surprise a lot of outsiders.  It surprised me when I first came to OA. 

I remember judging the bulimics and the recovering anorexics when I first came to OA.  I thought being fat was an entirely different issue.  You look so normal – even like models, some of you.  And yet when I listened, I heard how you are so unhappy too.  But now I see it as just another variation on the pain I feel, I put myself through, the self-hatred, the loathing, the perfectionism, the not good enough, the numbing out.  So I am learning not to judge other people for I really don’t know much on the surface about what they are living with or through.  I see their pain and I don’t know how to fix it any more than I know what to do for myself other than the next right thing.  Hopefully it will build into the right life.  I have faith it will grow me to be right-sized for the life I do have.

Today's For Today reading is helpful.  It starts with the Serenity Prayer.  That helps.  A lot.  It also says this:

I was spending most of my energy on things I could not change, worrying, fretting, and trying to make them come out my way.  Meanwhile, I was ignoring things that I could change, spinning my wheels where they did the least good.  No wonder I felt so much stress and self-loathing.  Now, when I find myself troubles by an issue or a situation, I can think about it while I say the Serenity Prayer.  If it is something I can change, I think of the steps I can take to begin the change, and I pray for the willingness to take action.  If it something I cannot change, I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for the willingness to accept it.  This exercise brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God’s presence.

So I try.  I pray.  And I feel my overwhelm change, slowly, but surely, how I am feeling this morning.  I am feeling a bit better.  And this loneliness, this unhappiness, this frustration with my physical recovery -- these are all things I can change.  So I think about the steps I can take to begin the change and I pray for the willingness to take action.

Blessed be.