Monday 19 March 2018

Great quotes I found today...

Oh, sometimes words are so comforting.  Like libraries but in little pieces.  

These are the quotes speaking to me tonight:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. What you seek is seeking you. (Rumi)
If you limit yourself only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise. (Anais Nin)
You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. (Nina Simone)
Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. (Winston Churchill)
So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable. (Christopher Reeve)
Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today? (Mary Manin Morrissey)
We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated. (Maya Angelou)
Life doesn't get better, you get better. (Unknown)
It is clear that we are just an advanced breed of primates on a minor planet orbiting around a very average star, in the outer suburb of one among a hundred billion galaxies. BUT, ever since the dawn of civilization people have craved for an understanding of the underlying order of the world. There ought to be something very special about the boundary conditions of the universe. And what can be more special than that there is no boundary? And there should be no boundary to human endeavour. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there is life, there is hope. (Stephen Hawking)

Sunday 18 March 2018

Divorce

I have taken Step 3 multiple times.  I know the Step 3 Prayer by heart.  This weekend, I am reframing my commitment to abstinence and my surrender to a power greater than myself after a slip last week that shocked me to my core.  

My addiction to food has been a comfort that stood in the place of a true friend, a true lover, a true partner.  It has been destructive.  Addiction is a bigger force than me.  It is a bully. 

When I was a child, addiction sold me on the idea that food abuse is my friend, my life guard, my protector.  None of that is true. My suffering was prolonged and made worse.  I learned to hate myself.  I stayed in this abusive relationship with my self into adulthood, for decades.  I need to leave my addiction behind me and never turn back  A divorce.  Finality.  No reconciliation.  

None of the promises addiction made to me -- that I would feel better, that life would be easier -- ever came true.  Not once.  Instead, I suffered more.  Suffering I know is not better or safer than unknown blessings.  My addiction has been an abusive partner in my life and I have been working at breaking free for more than three years.

With every fibre of my being, every tear I have shed, I want to be free of the pain addiction brings to my life.  The isolation.  The self hatred.  The fear.  On Tuesday, the price of my self worth was 200 g of chocolate mini eggs or $4.50.  God, that breaks my heart open.  An open heart is ready to heal.  

I am a child of God.  My worth is immeasurable.  So I am divorcing my lying, cheating, abusive addiction and turning toward God as my life partner going forward.

This is my promise and my prayer:  

I am walking away from addiction.

I walk toward God.

I walk and if it gets too hard, I accept that I will fall.

And when I fall, I will crawl toward God instead.

And if I can't crawl, I will stay where I am and I will trust God.

I do not go back.  I do not look back.  Because I have walked away from my addiction.  My decision is final.

I choose the path that will give me a loving peaceful life.

I can go to God when I have doubts.

When I fall, I will fall into God's hands. I will not fall into disgrace and destruction because I am walking away from my addiction.

Blessed be.