Divorce

I have taken Step 3 multiple times.  I know the Step 3 Prayer by heart.  This weekend, I am reframing my commitment to abstinence and my surrender to a power greater than myself after a slip last week that shocked me to my core.  

My addiction to food has been a comfort that stood in the place of a true friend, a true lover, a true partner.  It has been destructive.  Addiction is a bigger force than me.  It is a bully. 

When I was a child, addiction sold me on the idea that food abuse is my friend, my life guard, my protector.  None of that is true. My suffering was prolonged and made worse.  I learned to hate myself.  I stayed in this abusive relationship with my self into adulthood, for decades.  I need to leave my addiction behind me and never turn back  A divorce.  Finality.  No reconciliation.  

None of the promises addiction made to me -- that I would feel better, that life would be easier -- ever came true.  Not once.  Instead, I suffered more.  Suffering I know is not better or safer than unknown blessings.  My addiction has been an abusive partner in my life and I have been working at breaking free for more than three years.

With every fibre of my being, every tear I have shed, I want to be free of the pain addiction brings to my life.  The isolation.  The self hatred.  The fear.  On Tuesday, the price of my self worth was 200 g of chocolate mini eggs or $4.50.  God, that breaks my heart open.  An open heart is ready to heal.  

I am a child of God.  My worth is immeasurable.  So I am divorcing my lying, cheating, abusive addiction and turning toward God as my life partner going forward.

This is my promise and my prayer:  

I am walking away from addiction.

I walk toward God.

I walk and if it gets too hard, I accept that I will fall.

And when I fall, I will crawl toward God instead.

And if I can't crawl, I will stay where I am and I will trust God.

I do not go back.  I do not look back.  Because I have walked away from my addiction.  My decision is final.

I choose the path that will give me a loving peaceful life.

I can go to God when I have doubts.

When I fall, I will fall into God's hands. I will not fall into disgrace and destruction because I am walking away from my addiction.

Blessed be.