Discord

The reading in For Today for this morning is about discord and its counterpart, peace.  Or as Publilius Syrus calls it, concord.

Discord gives a relish for concord - Publilius Syrus

Curiously, Publilius Syrus, the 1st Century Latin proverbist, also gave us the phrase, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." 

But what of concord?  It is not a word commonly used but rather an idea common sought, I think.  

Concord. s.v. agreement or harmony between people or groups. 

The reading states that fighting the disease of compulsive eating (indeed, any addiction, I expect) is fighting myself.  So I lay down my arms in OA.  I am open to the teaching of others.

For Today continues by noting how "being human, however, I still bring discord into my life:  I sometimes get angry over my own and others' mistakes; I argue over minor matters as though my life depended upon it; I eat too much and hate myself for it."

Publilius Syrus has an apt proverb for that too:

"An angry man is again angry with himself when he returns to reason."

 So I reflect on my affinity for discord - creating it, being curious by it, observing it in others with disdain but also fascination.  And I pray for more peace, more concord, more connection in my interactions with others.  I look at my progress so far and I want more progress.  I dare to keep trying to grow and OA is a place where I have found some concord.

Thanks, Publilius Syrus, for reminding me today that "valour grows by daring, fear by holding back."

Blessed be.

On Awakening

I didn't realize it would be so painful to wake up.  It is.  And that's ok.  I am learning to work with emotions and memories I have blocked -- intentionally, desperately, out of a perverse sense of self preservation -- for decades. 

This morning's reading in For Today starts with this quote from Henry Miller (and I choose to leave the misogyny of some of his writing to the side for now and focus on what is useful instead):

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop of his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.

And the reading continues with, "Under the heavy anesthetic of compulsive overeating there was perfect security.  I felt no pain or confusion.  [Well, I felt pain but it was somehow better pain than the original pain - how's that for addict logic...]  In fact, I did not feel a thing.  The price I paid for such peace was to chop off all my connections with reality, and with life itself."

Now, as my 4th decade is well underway, I am no longer sedating myself out of my life with excess food.  The pain never really went away - it was numbed, I told myself it was more manageable as my life crumbled around me.  Now, I see big gaping holes where my life should be -- my health, my relationships, my physical environment, a sense of fun and adventure.  My life got small.  And breaking out of that is painful.  It's hard.  I tell myself it's worth it.  But right now it pretty much sucks.  The waves of anger, fear, disillusionment, sadness are tidal - they feel tsunami when they are here and then I laugh at my anxious over reaction when they start to lessen in intensity.

The For Today message is this:

For today:  I do not have to be afraid that my feelings will blow me away.  I can allow myself to feel them, talk about them, write about them -- and watch them dissipate.  I do not need the fake security of compulsive overeating. 

I can live my stormy life without abusing myself in the process.  These are skills I have when I work my program.  Life saving skills.  Life preserving skills.  Not the false security that cripples me, but the real skills of living.

Blessed be.