On Awakening

I didn't realize it would be so painful to wake up.  It is.  And that's ok.  I am learning to work with emotions and memories I have blocked -- intentionally, desperately, out of a perverse sense of self preservation -- for decades. 

This morning's reading in For Today starts with this quote from Henry Miller (and I choose to leave the misogyny of some of his writing to the side for now and focus on what is useful instead):

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop of his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.

And the reading continues with, "Under the heavy anesthetic of compulsive overeating there was perfect security.  I felt no pain or confusion.  [Well, I felt pain but it was somehow better pain than the original pain - how's that for addict logic...]  In fact, I did not feel a thing.  The price I paid for such peace was to chop off all my connections with reality, and with life itself."

Now, as my 4th decade is well underway, I am no longer sedating myself out of my life with excess food.  The pain never really went away - it was numbed, I told myself it was more manageable as my life crumbled around me.  Now, I see big gaping holes where my life should be -- my health, my relationships, my physical environment, a sense of fun and adventure.  My life got small.  And breaking out of that is painful.  It's hard.  I tell myself it's worth it.  But right now it pretty much sucks.  The waves of anger, fear, disillusionment, sadness are tidal - they feel tsunami when they are here and then I laugh at my anxious over reaction when they start to lessen in intensity.

The For Today message is this:

For today:  I do not have to be afraid that my feelings will blow me away.  I can allow myself to feel them, talk about them, write about them -- and watch them dissipate.  I do not need the fake security of compulsive overeating. 

I can live my stormy life without abusing myself in the process.  These are skills I have when I work my program.  Life saving skills.  Life preserving skills.  Not the false security that cripples me, but the real skills of living.

Blessed be.