Growing up emotionally

Man is a born child, his power is the power of growth. - Rabindrath Tagore*

Addiction stops emotional and spiritual growth, stripping its victims of fully half their potential.  As a compulsive overeater, I grew physically and intellectually but remained stunted emotionally, unable to provide sustenance for that part of me which food and academic learning cannot nurture.

When I heard the words, "I am powerless over food," I felt a surge of relief, a letting loose of a heavy burden, and my spirit danced with joy.  With the obsession broken, I am all lightness and hope, reaching out like a child toward that growth that was lost to me.

I thank God for the miracle of recovery - a second chance to work toward all that I may become.

For today:  There are no limits to growth.  Abstinence and weight loss are just the beginning.

This is the reading For Today, September 26th.  I always find it amazing to read what I need to read when I finally do pick up this little reader.

In Step 1 in the 12&12, it describes the emotional pain of compulsive over-eating and then states, "we never grew up."  Growing up is painful.  To do it twice because it was incomplete the first time, is painful. 

*Bengali / Indian poet, composer, novelist.  Winner of the 1913 Nobel Prize for Literature.

Stand Aside and Let God Work Through You

So far this morning I have cried, I have felt sick, and I have curdled my tea.  I have also wiped away my tears, prayed, and remade my tea.  Things can go wrong, feelings can come and go, and I am learning to stay the course.

I also have looked for inspiration across my For Today reader, various other writings.  And this one speaks to me today from the AA e-mail, Transitions Daily:

You should try to stand aside and let God work through you.  You should try not to block Him off by your own efforts, or prevent His spirit from working through you.  God desires your obedient services and your loyalty to the ideals of the new life you are seeking.  If you are loyal to God, He will give you protection against mistakes.  His spirit will plan for you and secure for you a sufficiency of all spiritual help.  You will have true victory and real success, if you will put yourself in the background and let God work through you.

I pray that I may not interfere with the working of God's spirit in me and through me.  I pray that I may give it full rein.

My program is really quite simple.  No bingeing or compulsive food behaviours.  Pray for willingness.  Be of service.  Look after myself with adequate sleep, water, nutritious food, friends and creativity.  I'm still not sure why this seems to be so hard.  It feels like I am battling a self-destruct sequence in my head.  And so I pray and try again every time I feel derailed.  Just because I feel derailed doesn't mean I have to act on it.  That's maybe the essence:  I am learning to act on life, not just react.

Blessed be.

We never grew up / Time to Grow Up

In the OA 12 and 12, there is a passage in Step 1 about how we never grew up.  This resonates for me and has for some time.  I feel I've missed some essential learning and experiences - I'm in my 40s and I have a Peter Pan syndrome.  No spouse, no kids, no house with a picket fence. 

The passage I'm thinking of in the 12 and 12 is this:

It was only after we began to recover that we saw the childish self-centeredness of our willful actions.  By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt our loved ones.  When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized.  Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy.  We hid our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up.

I read this again this morning and saw for the first time the phrase "It was only after we began to recover..." that starts that passage.  Oh, God!  Yes!  I have started to recover.  That is hopeful.

Then, towards then end of the chapter on Step 1, there is more hope:

In step one, we acknowledge this truth about ourselves:  our current methods of managing have not been successful, and we need to find a new approach to life.  Having acknowledged this truth, we are free to change and to learn. 

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behaviour patterns which have failed us in the past...

I have been struggling emotionally lately.  My food abuse is still a live force.  So is my depression.  And more days than not, I just want to stay in bed with my cat and feel sorry for myself.  But this is not a life.  This is what a sad sulking child does.  I have to be my own parent and get up, get washed, get fed, get a life.  No one is going to do it for me.  I have to grow up.

This was part of the daily reading in OA.  The email was titled "Thoughts for the Day - Growing Up".

As we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes towards our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions.  Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions – all of these have to be tempered and redirected.  We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives.  If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backwards into disillusionment.  But when we are willing to place spiritual growth first – then and only then do we have a real chance.”

And this:  emotional sobriety:  “to attain this, we must develop a real maturity and balance (which is to say humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.”

So this is my for today.  I will live to grow and in the process, I will grow up.

Blessed be.