We never grew up / Time to Grow Up

In the OA 12 and 12, there is a passage in Step 1 about how we never grew up.  This resonates for me and has for some time.  I feel I've missed some essential learning and experiences - I'm in my 40s and I have a Peter Pan syndrome.  No spouse, no kids, no house with a picket fence. 

The passage I'm thinking of in the 12 and 12 is this:

It was only after we began to recover that we saw the childish self-centeredness of our willful actions.  By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt our loved ones.  When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized.  Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy.  We hid our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up.

I read this again this morning and saw for the first time the phrase "It was only after we began to recover..." that starts that passage.  Oh, God!  Yes!  I have started to recover.  That is hopeful.

Then, towards then end of the chapter on Step 1, there is more hope:

In step one, we acknowledge this truth about ourselves:  our current methods of managing have not been successful, and we need to find a new approach to life.  Having acknowledged this truth, we are free to change and to learn. 

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behaviour patterns which have failed us in the past...

I have been struggling emotionally lately.  My food abuse is still a live force.  So is my depression.  And more days than not, I just want to stay in bed with my cat and feel sorry for myself.  But this is not a life.  This is what a sad sulking child does.  I have to be my own parent and get up, get washed, get fed, get a life.  No one is going to do it for me.  I have to grow up.

This was part of the daily reading in OA.  The email was titled "Thoughts for the Day - Growing Up".

As we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes towards our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions.  Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions – all of these have to be tempered and redirected.  We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives.  If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backwards into disillusionment.  But when we are willing to place spiritual growth first – then and only then do we have a real chance.”

And this:  emotional sobriety:  “to attain this, we must develop a real maturity and balance (which is to say humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.”

So this is my for today.  I will live to grow and in the process, I will grow up.

Blessed be.