Step 4 and Notes on Courage

Most days we only can see as far as we have the courage to look.  Step 4 asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  The underlying spiritual principle is courage.

Many of us who have a slipping and sliding kind of abstinence may have plenty of courage to do our Step 4 but then we falter.  We struggle to find the courage to do the daily work we need to do with those character defects, those emotions, that cause us to binge, to purge, to overeat, and to have compulsive food behaviours.  Or our courage to do this work is not sustained.

How committed have you been to working on your character defects?  The angers?  Resentments?  Fears?  Basically, all the icky emotions we would rather avoid.  You know, all the feelings we used to numb or silence by abusing food. 

Addicts as a group generally do not have a good vocabulary or working skill set for emotions.  Until we develop those skills, working through our Step 4 emotional baggage, we are white knuckling our recovery to at least some degree. 

White knuckling is the idea that you are holding on so tight the blood flow is restricted in your hands and your knuckles go white.  It is also the idea that you are hanging on until the end of the ride - just using pure willpower to stay sober but expected to crash eventually.  Have you (mostly) given up addictive substance(s) or behaviours but you are carrying on in your life in the same old ways, much as you always have?  It’s a kind of courage, but it is not true recovery.  There is none of the surrender we learn about in Steps 1, 2 and 3.  And so Big Book’s Promises (pp.83-84) haven’t come true (yet).

If we don’t learn to work with our emotions, we do not learn what courage in action actually means.  We do not protect ourselves from emotional chaos.  If anything, we are simply postponing the day we get overwhelmed and binge. 

If I am not consistent and dedicated in feeling my emotions, learning to live with them, how to interact positively with emotional energy, and be in relationship with others without my defects getting in the way, I will fall.  I cannot trust my “I don’t wannas” to protect me.  The “I don’t want to feel sad.”  I don’t wanna feel mad.  I don’t want to express my fear, my sadness, my resentments.   These “don’t wannas” are a recipe for a binge.

Ask yourself, have I been resistant to doing the work of dealing with my emotions which I need to do to ensure my recovery from food addiction?  Are you slipping and sliding in your abstinence?  Well…

White knuckling is being dishonest with ourselves.  Unless we deal with the underlying emotions that cause us to get upset and overwhelmed, we are not dealing honestly with the cause of our addictive behaviours.  A white-knuckle kind of abstinence isn’t true abstinence – it is not full surrender.  Instead, we rely on human will power (which inevitably fails).  Someone with white-knuckling recovery is more at risk for relapse, depression, or for developing other addictions. 

Recovery means building a new and better life away from substance abuse. This takes a lot of effort.  If the emotional work of recovery is incomplete, we have a low tolerance for any type of irritation.  Everyday ups and downs in life are a real challenge without the numbing out of addiction.   Instead of enjoying the freedom and promises of recovery, we just muddle though. 

It takes courage to retake your inventory daily with the view to look at every evasion, every “I don’t wanna”, “not now”, “it’s too hard.”  Watch your behaviours closely.  Are you inconsistent in your abstinence?  Can you talk a good 12 step recovery but cannot (or will not) consistently practice good recovery habits?  Are you restless?  Irritable?  Discontent?  Do you lash out at people close to you?  Do you flirt around the edges of situations you know could get you in to the food?

If so, your recovery is a work in progress.  A white knuckling.  You could go either way – back into active addiction or you could grow.  Giving up the addictive substances / behaviours is only the start.  It gets you clear enough to look at the mess of everything else.  But you need some impetus to grow more.

Let this be a call to courage!  Are you cleaning up your side of the street emotionally?  Or are you simply abstaining from the worst of the addiction and rearranging the emotional deckchairs on the deck of your personal Titanic?  Courage, friends.  It is not too late to build a better life.  – Jennifer S

How’s Your Faith? Step 3 in Action

Like many OA meetings, my home group welcomes newcomers by asking an experienced member to explain OA in broad brush strokes and to share what they were like when they first came to OA, what their fears were, what they learned, and how they are now.  One common theme is the use of “God” in our program. 

Faith.  It is a troubling concept for those who have struggled with the diet mentality of willpower, self-control, and personal responsibility thrust on us by well-meaning family members, concerned physicians, and a for-profit weight loss industry.

We have all the good intentions:  to start again Monday, to never buy [binge food] again, to go to the gym...  As the Big Book says, “Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help” [p.62].

Reluctance to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understand God) can be a HUGE barrier to progress.  We struggle with the spiritual principle which underlies the Third Step:  FAITH.

Step 3 is where we decide to trust God with our recovery. We admit powerlessness to overcome addictive behaviours on our own (Step 1). We realize (at least in theory) a Higher Power can deliver us from the insanity of addiction (Step 2).  Now we are ready to take the step of giving these matters over to God as we understand God.

This is a huge leap forward in faith.  We trust that God can restore us to a right mind; a sane mind that leads to sane and healthy behaviours and a life filled with greater serenity, personal power and even joy.  We recognize that we need guidance to find a new way of living. 

If we are willing to try to find a Higher Power through the steps, then we have to make a decision to WORK the steps. And, as Lawrie C says, that really is all Step Three is -- a DECISION (http://www.therecoverygroup.org/wts/2005/2005-03q3.html).  It’s not actually turning our will and our lives over. It’s just a DECISION to do that. In order to turn my will and my life over, I have to get rid of the things in myself that are blocking me from my Higher Power.  And that takes work, in particular, Steps 4 and onward.

In Step 3, we have faith that we can turn over that rigid sense of self and an obsession with food that binds us up in resentment, anger, and fear.  We read the Big Book on how the addict is constantly battling for control:

“…like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. […]  What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. […]  What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” [Big Book, pp.60-61]

We realize we have to let go of our need to be in control.  But practically, what does that mean?  It takes Step 3:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. […]  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. [Big Book, p.62]

Step 3 is the first step that requires action. The first two steps focus on reflection and introspection.  Now, we make a decision.  We shift our mindset from thinking about OA concepts to carrying them out.  So, Step 3 is the simple decision to let the God of my understanding be the overall manager of my life. I “let go and let God”.

We read in the OA 12&12, that practicing this principle of faith means that “we will no longer go through life acting however we feel like acting at any given moment.  Instead we will look to our Higher Power for guidance and strength as we face each decision” [p.103]. 

It takes a recalibration of our default reactions to life.  We start to ask for help with behaviours where we are like the child who never grew up.  If my immediate reaction is “Oh!  I wanna…” then the right answer may be “no, I shouldn’t have that.”  And if my kneejerk reaction is “no!  I don’t wanna!” then usually this is precisely the thing I should do.

So, we take the Third Step Prayer and – privately, with our sponsor, or in a meeting with our fellows – say: “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always” [Big Book, p.63].

The Step 3 Decision is to ask for help, to seek guidance, to stop and mindfully canvass our Higher Power for direction in all our affairs.  We can start with food, but sooner or later, we will turn to God in all things that trouble us.  However, we haven't completed the transaction when we say the words of commitment in prayer.

Just saying the Third Step Prayer does not turn our will and our lives over to God.  We have to choose, over and over, day to day, to bring recovery into our lives.  That's what Steps Four through Twelve are: the way to turn our whole lives - past, future, and present - over to God.

The AA 12&12 describes the process as letting God in and then doing something about it. “Like all the remaining Steps, Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God - or, if you like a Higher Power - into our lives. Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives” [AA 12&12, p.40].

We practice consciously seeking God in big things and small.  That is: 

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves” [Big Book, pp.87-88].

This is serenity:  the spiritual state of acceptance that helps us recovering addicts to achieve a state of calmness and peace.  Taking Step 3 (daily, if need be) is how we drop our resistance to recovery.  As we practice being conscious of a higher power, our inner voice will gradually turn from a hunch or occasional inspiration to gradually becoming a working part of our minds [Big Book, p.87].

And boy, will we need this!  Once we put the food down, we will likely begin to contend with emotions that we have stuffed down. Wounds that have been numbed. Dreams that have been shattered. For many, addiction is a way to cope.

Some of our difficulties coping are centred on emotions. In the process of letting go of compulsive food behaviours, we “get to know” our feelings.  Our developing coping skill of turning our troubles over to our Higher Power for guidance is put to the test. This is inevitable. We find ourselves actively pursuing those uncomfortable emotions, the very thing that we have been addictively avoiding for years. It will be uncomfortable at times.  Very uncomfortable.  [Remember the Tools?  Work them when it’s uncomfortable.  Work them when it’s not uncomfortable so you have practice for when your emotions get icky.]

As OA-er Dominica A writes, “My emotional dam broke and a lifetime of stuffed emotions came flooding out.  I had no idea how to contend with them.  Let Go and Let God.  When I get into self-will, I say, ‘God, I surrender. I give this to you right now. Take it because I don't want it. I trust you.’  Then, I do my best to let it go.”

This is Step 3 and faith.  We remind ourselves if we turn it over and don’t let go, we end up upside down!  We right ourselves and take Step 3 again.  Daily.  One day at a time.  That’s faith in action.

-Jennifer S.

Step 2 and Hope

Hope.  When we come to OA we see that despite the failures in our lives - the broken promises, hard feelings, failures, disappointments, destructive behaviours, self-hatred, anxiety, depression or guilt - there is still hope. 

Hope is the spiritual principle that supports Step 2 (“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”).   It is a big step towards the God of our understanding.  In Step 2, we begin to realize that such a Higher Power exists.  We begin to have hope this Power can set us on the road to recovery and freedom. 

Many of us have struggled when we first came to OA (and some of us since) with the idea of a Higher Power.  Surely if there is such a God, we knew nothing of Him/Her/It.  Have we not suffered alone in our compulsions?  Where was God then?  In our darkest days, one thing most of us lacked was any relationship with a Higher Power, let alone a working relationship.  Most of us had no trouble admitting that food addiction had become a destructive force in our lives. Our own best efforts resulted in ever greater destruction and despair. At some point, we realized we needed more help.

As we continue our journey to recovery through the Twelve Steps, we take Step 2 by simply admitting to the possibility of a Power greater than ourselves.  The Step 2 phrase “came to believe” suggests a process and a progression of faith that evolves over time. 

In A.A.'s oral tradition this is defined as a three-part unfolding: first, we came, that is, we showed up and stumbled through the meeting room’s door.  Then, we came to, that is, we came to our senses and began to experience emotional sobriety.  And third, we came to believe.  We began our real recovery process and our spiritual growth.

Through believing that a Higher Power can help, a person formerly eaten up with raging fear, anger, shame, doubt, guilt, and frustration becomes calm.  We begin to grow spiritually by focusing on some simple steps, going to meetings, reading the Big Book and other OA literature, and talking to a sponsor. 

We discover we are not alone; there are other caring OAs who understand because they are dealing with the same problems we have!  The simple belief that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity leads us into the OA family.  

In OA, we learn we can trust others with our deepest shame, we are lovable and we must take care of ourselves. As we gain friends who can help us get through and then even enjoy most days, we start to feel we can trust ourselves again.  Hope for the future starts to bloom.  We can start to see a new life is possible, as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny!  

- Jennifer S with thanks to 12step.org

Step 1 and Honesty (There's No Addiction Without Lies)

HONESTY (There’s No Addiction Without Lies)

“I’ll never do that again.”

 “I used to be addicted, but now I can limit myself to just one.”

Honesty is at the foundation of OA’s Twelve Steps.  It is the principle behind Step 1.  As the OA 12 & 12 says, “In step one we learned the principle of honesty as we admitted our personal powerlessness over food, and the fact that without help we could not successfully manage our own lives. Now we will want to continue being honest with ourselves in all our affairs” (p.103).

Lies are a natural and virtually automatic way of life for active addicts.  Through denial and diseased thinking, addicts (often very convincingly) lie to ourselves and our loved ones to preserve our compulsions.  We also lie to the world in an attempt to avoid stigmatization.  We have lied about big things and small things, usually to avoid rejection or judgment (or to keep up appearances) until we’ve created a fantasy life that is more tolerable than our current reality. 

Have you ever seen your reflection unexpectedly and not recognized yourself?  Do you avoid shopping for clothes so you don’t face what size you are?  These are all signs of self-deception.  Dishonesty. 

Dishonesty serves a purpose in the addict’s life. If we stop lying to ourselves about the damage our compulsive eating has made, we would have to stop abusing food and face a shameful pile of hurt we have inflicted on ourselves and the people who love us. 

Lies drive addictive thoughts and behaviours.  Honesty is very hard work.  At first, it’s much easier to hide our troubling emotions and continue using.   But honesty is key to our recovery.  As the Big Book says, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recovery are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” (Big Book, p.58).

In 12-Step recovery, the standard isn’t occasional honesty or attempted honesty, but rigorous honesty. What does this mean?

Rigorous honesty means telling the truth when it’s easier to lie.  It means sharing thoughts and feelings even when there may be consequences. In 12-Step recovery, we require ourselves to take a fearless personal inventory and promptly admit any dishonesty. We practice catching ourselves in the middle of a lie and correct it, even if it’s embarrassing.

It isn’t enough to be honest with oneself (Step 1), although that’s a good start.  OA’s must also be honest with their Higher Power and other people (Steps 4 and 5), including family, health care providers, and fellows in OA.  Steps 8 and 9 require the addict to take active steps toward honesty and the last three steps require practicing honesty on a daily basis.

Rigorous honesty extends to every aspect of life (“we practice these principles in all our affairs” – Step 12). We refrain from verbal lies, but also nonverbal lies (e.g., stealing or cheating).  We are honest about our own fears, limiting beliefs and unhealthy patterns.  We are honestly willing to change.

Rigorous honesty in recovery requires authentic relationships, with ourselves and with others.  Relationships that leave room for struggles and failures, setting boundaries, and living in accordance with one’s own values and principles.  Telling the truth requires ongoing attention and practice even in the face of discouragement and fear about what others will think.

If some seeds of dishonesty creep in, this can be a sign that we are returning to ineffective coping strategies. As they say in AA, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Honesty is essential – it is the principle behind Step 1 – but there are another 11 Steps!  If we don’t actively work our program, learning new skills and addressing the underlying issues, honesty alone can’t prevent relapse.

There is good news.  If we face the truths about ourselves, we come to know and love ourselves and others, imperfections and all. The Promises come true.

- Jennifer S

Abstinence and Plans of Eating

Abstinence and Plans of Eating

In OA, abstinence is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviours while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Once we become abstinent, the preoccupation with food diminishes and in many cases leaves us entirely (Our Invitation to You).  A Plan of Eating is one of our tools of recovery.  And yet, “We are not a “diet” club. We do not endorse any particular plan of eating.”    Newcomers often ask their sponsors, “but what do I eat?  What should my plan of eating be?”   

Learning about our compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviours is the starting point.  In the OA podcast on Plans of Eating (below), the speaker suggests writing down everything you put in your mouth for several days.  Look for your patterns and triggers.  It may be certain foods.  It may be emotional.  It may be a time of day.  The speaker gives the example of feeling angry and craving something crunchy to eat.  What are your patterns in your food log?  What foods do you hoard?  What foods do you only eat when you’re alone?  What do you eat when you’re upset?  When you’re celebrating?  You’re looking for where, when and what you eat mindlessly, compulsively. 

Next, develop your plan of eating to minimize your cravings.  Your plan of eating needs to physically support your abstinence.  It must address your nutritional needs as well as support your body in a return to (or maintenance of) a healthy weight.  OA encourages us to get professional guidance here if we need it. 

We can learn from OA’s past in terms of plans of eating.  In 1962, Overeaters Anonymous made its first major decision as a group.  Rozanne S., who was a dietician's daughter, had previously subscribed to the belief that calories were the most important factor for weight loss and weight maintenance.  She later wrote that during this time, she believed "It didn't matter how much I ate or how often, as long as my total food count remained within the limits I had set for myself."

After attending an A.A. meeting that discussed the idea of abstinence, Rozanne decided that snacking between meals only reinforced her tendency to compulsively overeat.  At the next meeting of Overeaters Anonymous, Rozanne introduced the idea of O.A.-sanctioned abstinence:  three moderate meals with no snacking in between and only no-calorie beverages, such as black coffee and water.  The new rules did make allowances for those whose doctors advised them to eat more frequently.  This introduction of the first Overeaters Anonymous food plan sparked controversy that continued to unfold over the decades to come.

In 1963, the first so-called "Gold Sheet" was distributed among O.A. members.  It was a food plan that recommended a diet for its members that included no refined carbohydrates; it was named after the color of paper on which it was printed.  Initially it was distributed informally and was not officially recognized by Overeaters Anonymous.  The next year the same plan with slight variations was distributed on green paper and was thus referred to as the "Green Sheet."

In May of 1966, the group as a whole, at their national conference, approved a pamphlet entitled, To the Newcomer.  The pamphlet stated in part:

Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous means abstinence from compulsive overeating.  An eating plan is the method by which we abstain.  The following is our suggested method of abstinence from compulsive overeating:  (1) Three moderate meals a day with nothing in-between; and (2) Avoidance of all individual binge foods.

This was Overeaters Anonymous first officially sanctioned food plan, although many members lobbied the legislative body of O.A. to approve more stringent diet plans, like the Gold and Green Sheets.

In the late 1960s, the Gold and Green Sheets were superseded by a new plan on the cheapest colour to print on at the time, grey.  The Grey Sheet became one of the most popular and controversial of all food plans distributed in Overeaters Anonymous.  The plan called for complete abstinence from man-made sugars and starches and from any foods with more than a 10-percent carbohydrate content.

In April of 1972, the founder of Overeaters Anonymous, Rozanne S., had gained back so much of the weight that she had lost in the program that she was fired from her position of O.A.  National Secretary for not being a "physical example of recovery." The next month, O.A.'s National Conference approved three "disciplined" plans of eating.  The first plan was the beloved "Grey Sheet," the no-refined-sugars, low-carbohydrates plan.  The 1972 National Conference also approved a low-carbohydrates maintenance plan, as well as a second plan based on the four food groups helped developed by Marilyn Moore, a licensed nutritionist in East Los Angeles, California.

In 1977, Overeaters Anonymous dismissed all of the plans that had been distributed years earlier and released in their stead a blue sheet called "Suggested Abstinence Guide for Losing Weight." The Blue Sheet, as it came to be called, officially replaced the Grey Sheet, but many in the group were not happy with this change. 

By 1978, O.A. was starting to realize that the constant changes in food plans and lack of flexibility were costing it members.  In 1979 the group released a book called The Dignity of Choice that was intended to bring the splinter groups back to the fold by including eight different food plans.  The book did not succeed in its mission, however, and was discontinued.

In 1986, not only did Overeaters Anonymous stop printing the book; the leadership requested that all groups return their unsold copies to the group's headquarters.  At the same time that Overeaters Anonymous stopped using The Dignity of Choice, it decided as a body that to endorse any specific food plan would go against the aims of the group and that O.A. should instead focus on the 12 steps of recovery.  This was seen as a great step towards ending the controversies that had so bitterly divided the O.A. membership.

By 1995, the collective OA understanding of the importance of Abstinence meant that the delegates at WSBC removed Abstinence as a Tool and replaced it with “A Plan of Eating,” leaving abstinence as OA’s primary purpose.  In 1997, O.A. clarified this point when it released this statement:

The OA 1997 World Service Business Conference, after careful consideration, believes that although many individual OA members choose to follow a plan of eating for their personal plan of recovery, offering food plans at OA meetings is a violation of Tradition 10.  While each OA member is free to choose a personal plan of eating to achieve abstinence, OA as a whole cannot print, endorse or distribute food plan information to members. 

Nutrition is a most controversial outside issue…  We ought best concern ourselves with our suggested program of recovery - the Twelve Steps.

For more than 25 years Overeaters Anonymous has not endorsed any specific food plan or diet, instead urging its members to create their own with the advice of their doctor.  The definition of Abstinence is the same for all members but the Plan of Eating for each member may differ depending on what compulsive food behaviours we engaged in while practicing our disease, such as overeating, under‐eating, and purging. 

A Plan of Eating is a tool to help the OA member to maintain abstinence, i.e., to refrain from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviours and to work toward or maintain a healthy body weight.  There are as many “plans of eating” in OA as there are members and a plan may change over time for each member.  Pamphlet “Dignity of Choice” has samples of some of the many plans of eating OA members use. 

In recent years, delegates to the 2011 WSBC approved changes to the Statement on Abstinence and Recovery, which currently reads, “Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviours while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.  Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve Step program". 

In 2013 at WSBC, our primary purpose was modified to say, “Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive eating and to carry the message of recovery through the Twelve Steps of OA to those who still suffer.” 

The results of a survey of OA membership in 2013 showed that there was a lack of abstinence and of working all Twelve Steps. 

It’s 2017, how are we doing now?  Is your plan of eating a tool that works for you?

- Jennifer S.

[Sources:  OA World Service on Abstinence and Plans of Eating; Goldberg, Lina, "Between the Sheets: The History of Overeaters Anonymous and its Food Plans," December, 2003]