HONESTY (There’s No Addiction
Without Lies)
“I’ll never do that again.”
“I used to be addicted, but now I can limit
myself to just one.”
Honesty is at the foundation
of OA’s Twelve Steps. It is the
principle behind Step 1. As the OA 12
& 12 says, “In step one we learned the principle of honesty as we admitted
our personal powerlessness over food, and the fact that without help we could
not successfully manage our own lives. Now we will want to continue being
honest with ourselves in all our affairs” (p.103).
Lies are a natural and virtually automatic way of life for active addicts. Through
denial and diseased thinking, addicts (often very convincingly) lie to
ourselves and our loved ones to preserve our compulsions. We also lie to the world in an attempt to
avoid stigmatization. We have lied about
big things and small things, usually to avoid rejection or judgment (or to keep
up appearances) until we’ve created a fantasy life that is more tolerable than
our current reality.
Have you ever seen your reflection unexpectedly and not recognized
yourself? Do you avoid shopping for
clothes so you don’t face what size you are?
These are all signs of self-deception.
Dishonesty.
Dishonesty serves a purpose in the addict’s life. If we stop lying to
ourselves about the damage our compulsive eating has made, we would have to
stop abusing food and face a shameful pile of hurt we have inflicted on
ourselves and the people who love us.
Lies drive addictive
thoughts and behaviours. Honesty is very
hard work. At first, it’s much easier to
hide our troubling emotions and continue using. But honesty is key to our recovery. As the Big Book says, “Rarely have we seen a
person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recovery are people who
cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually
men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves”
(Big Book, p.58).
In 12-Step recovery, the
standard isn’t occasional honesty or attempted honesty, but rigorous honesty.
What does this mean?
Rigorous honesty means telling the truth when it’s easier to lie. It means sharing thoughts and feelings even
when there may be consequences. In 12-Step recovery, we require ourselves to
take a fearless personal inventory and promptly admit any dishonesty. We
practice catching ourselves in the middle of a lie and correct it, even if it’s
embarrassing.
It isn’t enough to be honest with oneself (Step 1), although that’s a
good start. OA’s must also be honest
with their Higher Power and other people (Steps 4 and 5), including family,
health care providers, and fellows in OA.
Steps 8 and 9 require the addict to take active steps toward honesty and
the last three steps require practicing honesty on a daily basis.
Rigorous honesty extends to every aspect of life (“we practice these
principles in all our affairs” – Step 12). We refrain from verbal lies, but
also nonverbal lies (e.g., stealing or cheating). We are honest about our own fears, limiting
beliefs and unhealthy patterns. We are
honestly willing to change.
Rigorous honesty in recovery
requires authentic relationships, with ourselves and with others. Relationships that leave room for struggles and
failures, setting boundaries, and living in accordance with one’s own values
and principles. Telling the truth
requires ongoing attention and practice even in the face of discouragement and
fear about what others will think.
If some seeds of dishonesty creep in, this can be a sign that we are
returning to ineffective coping strategies. As they say in AA, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”
Honesty is essential – it is the principle behind Step 1 – but there are
another 11 Steps! If we don’t actively
work our program, learning new skills and addressing the underlying issues,
honesty alone can’t prevent relapse.
There is good news. If we face the truths about ourselves, we
come to know and love ourselves and others, imperfections and all. The Promises
come true.
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