Forgiveness and Change

This week sees me grateful in celebrating my fifth month of abstinence.  And sad because my depression is a bit worse this week and I am feeling that acutely.  And to some extent, it's situational.  To a large extent, it is something I have welcomed into my life as a temporary price for making some big changes.

I have intentionally stressed myself and my food plan by taking a Food as Medicine class led by a local psychiatrist (also MD) and a naturopathic doctor.  The goal of the class is to improve depression by reducing inflammation responses in my body through changing my nutrition.  An important aspect of this class is an elimination diet.  In the last month, I have dramatically changed my food plan. I gave up bread and pasta first.  And then milk, cheese, cream (and that meant coffee went too).  Then eggs.  No soy.  And now I am gluten free as well.  I have pretty much changed to a lean natural source protein and vegetable diet.  I feel crappy and I'm told that is usual in the first week or 10 days or so with these kinds of nutritional changes.  I feel like I have the flu.  Everything hurts, I have a headache.  I am constantly getting hungry as my body screams "glucose!  fructose!  lactose!  give me any or all of those things!" 

It is really hard.  But I am doing this not to punish myself or deprive myself.  I am doing this by following the best available medical advice, knowing the results of my latest and most comprehensive blood tests, and trying to heal myself with every resource I can find.  I am fixing some vitamin deficiencies.  I am eating in ways that stabilize my blood sugar as much as possible (so I avoid developing diabetes down the road).  I am trying to reduce the inflammation in my body that stresses my heart and my arteries, raises my blood pressure, and swells my body.  I am eating to reduce the fat stored in my body.  Not because I am vain.  Because I no longer need to carry that protection which is killing me.

It is hard to face decades of not being at home in my body.  Of avoiding mirrors.  Of feeling unloveable.  Being willing to do the hard work.  Open to living very differently in such basic things as how I nourish myself. 

Knowing that to heal my soul and my body, I need to embrace all the feelings, accept all that has been, and know that the way forward is not easy, but it will be worth it.  (or maybe it won't be...)  But it doesn't matter right now whether this is the miracle I hope it is or not.  Because this elimination diet offers me a chance at feeling better, at healing myself.   I am worth this chance.  And I say to myself, "I am forgiving you for not being a perfect person and for being, in the moment, a depressed person.  I am grateful for a new chance at life."

UPDATE.  December 6, 2017.  I have reintroduced a bit of dairy.  I am not being super vigilant around eggs if they are in something.  But I am still avoiding gluten and wheat as well as soy - I think it may be helping.  Interesting.