On grief, suffering, and humanity: "What Punishments of God are not Gifts?"

This moved me last night and I wanted to share – it’s from an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper and comedian Stephen Colbert...  Anderson Cooper’s Dad died when he was 10 (heart attack) and he lost his Mom in early June.  Stephen Colbert’s Dad and two of his brothers died in a plane crash when Stephen was 10 and his Mom died a few years ago too. 

It’s really clear in the interview that Anderson Cooper is still very much in grief and he is asking some pretty big questions that are personal, not part of his “newsman” persona.

The interview is here -- https://youtu.be/iZ_zajwFPDs -- this is the part that really moved me:

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Anderson Cooper: I’m not the person I meant to be. I’m not the person I started out to be (because of the grief / loss / trauma).

Stephen Colbert: But you are the person you were meant to be.

Anderson Cooper: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this is a warped version of ...

Stephen Colbert: So there’s another time line with a happier Anderson Cooper?

Anderson Cooper: Yeah! I mean no. There’s not, it doesn’t exist, an alternate universe but... but yes, I guess...

Stephen Colbert: But that’s what I mean about faith.

My experience and learning from the experience of my mother, what I read and what I experience in my particular faith, extremely imperfectly, admittedly, is that there isn’t another time. This is it.  And the bravest thing you can do is to accept with gratitude the world as it is and then, as Galdalf says, so too all people who are in such times.

Anderson Cooper: You went on to tell an interviewer that you have learned to love “the thing that I most wish had not happened.” You went on to say “what punishments of God are not gifts?” Do you really believe that?

Stephen Colbert: Yes. It is a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that. And I guess I’m either a Catholic or a Buddhist when I say that because I’ve heard that from both traditions.

But I didn’t learn it - that I was grateful for the thing I most wished didn’t happen - but I realized it. It’s an odd, guilty kind of feeling. I don’t want it to have happened. I wish it had not happened.

But, if you’re grateful for your life, which I think is a positive thing to do - not everybody is, and I’m not always - it’s the most positive thing to do, and you have to be grateful for all of it . You can’t pick and choose what you’re grateful for.

And then, so what do you get from loss? You get awareness of other people’s loss, which allows you to connect with that other person, which allows you to love more deeply, and to understand what it’s like to be a human being, if it’s true that all humans suffer.

So, at a young age I suffered something so that by the time I was in serious relationships in my life, with friends, or with my wife or with my children, is that I have some understanding that everyone is suffering and, however imperfectly, acknowledge that suffering, and to connect with them, to love them in a deep way... and that’s what I mean, it’s about the fullness of your humanity.

What’s the point of being here, being human, if you cannot be the most human you can be? I want to be the most human I can be. And that involves acknowledging, and ultimately being grateful for the things that I wish didn’t happen- because they gave me a gift.

and in the Christian tradition, that’s the gift of the sacrifice of Jesus:  that God suffers too.

❤

A more Involved Step 10 when the issue has sticky thoughts and feelings...

I'm wrestling with whether to continue with a weekly group, finding it not that helpful.  I had committed to see it through for 12 weeks, however, and have been going back and forth on whether it is the right thing for me to withdraw from the group. 

This is the wisdom from my sponsor, who shared her experience with finding weekly meetups with a friend no longer felt right either:

...  it was then I knew that I'd have to do a  quick  step 10 with GOD..I'd go into the quiet sacred space. (as I do every morning-aka step 11) and talk it over with GOD.. BUT  if the issue kept coming up in my mind.. and if I talked about it to anybody (that's when I knew I needed more work on the subject  when I give power to negative thoughts by giving them a voice)...

... then I'd have to write out my step 10, taking the guidelines from the Big Book, p.84:  "Dear God, I'm feeling these emotions (and I write every one out) and now I'm asking YOU to remove them," et cetera.

When I finish with the guide of p. 84,  I do a pro and con list...  I take a 8" x 11" piece of paper and write a pro column  and con column... and then fill it in.  What is the PRO if I stay there?  What is the CON if I leave?

I actually did this with a good old friend as well and found out that the con's outvoted the pro's by only ONE...  so I placed it in GOD'S hands...  and asked for a sign because I truly thought what a waste of time to meet with her once a week!   

And GOD DID DO what was necessary:   my friend started to have car trouble and couldn't make our weekly meeting.  Eventually, winter came and our time together was limited by severe weather...  Then summer came and she called to say, "it's too hot and I'm not going out today".  That was the end of our relationship... except for we did continue to meet twice a year, once for her birthday and once for mine. 

I had let go and let GOD handle it..

100 days and 6X Abstinence

I am 101 days in with rigorously working my program after slipping and sliding for a long time.  I never did get to a 6X size but I did get back to 3X.  I've released almost 30 pounds in 100 days through a slow and careful food plan, watching my macros of carbs to fat to protein carefully, keeping my blood sugar stable, and seeing my mood improve as a result.  This was all possible because I focused on Steps 1, 2 and 3 and then 10, 11 and 12 over and over.  I read and re read the Big Book pp.84-88 daily.  I read the passage on acceptance on p.417 so many times... until I stopped twisting the words around and knew it by heart.

My sponsor said at the beginning of working together, just over three months ago now, that absolutely rigorous honesty is required to work this program.  And I have taken her experience, strength and hope on board when my experience, strength or hope faltered.

She says Absolutely Honest Abstinence means no eXtras, no eXcesses, no eXcuses, no eXceptions, no eXpectations and no eXclusions (6 X's).

She also says the road to relapse is paved with deviations (which is practically saying the same thing).

I am reminded of the passage in the Big Book where it reads (p.58):  

Rarely have we seen someone fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

This.

Blessed be. 

Cravings when my food is clean are only thoughts...

Joe and Charlie write about how the phenomenon of addiction starts in the mind.  It is the thought that I need something to "help" me feel less irritable, restless and discontent.  The cravings only start once the substance is in our system physically.  Before that, it is just a thought.

So I was having some 'cravings' (really, they were thoughts) that I wanted ice cream, a hamburger, some pizza.  Some summer street food in the heat, in the plaza, with everybody else.  The normal eaters and the not normal eaters in their pre-recovery days.

But those are thoughts.  Thoughts that mask the feelings of "I'm lonely" and "I wish I was like everybody else".  And EVERYBODY, from Bill W to Joe and Charlie to my sponsor to me when I'm not being restless, irritable and discontent, says this delusion of being like a normal eater has to be set aside completely.  Smashed.

So why the thoughts when my food is clean?  It's just my will trying to drive the show into a ditch.

My sponsor says when these thoughts come, we first inventory our food.  If it's clean, then I inventory my thoughts, words, and actions.  No matter where these thoughts of abusing myself with food come from, I deal with the thoughts, the cravings in MY MIND.  I don't set my body up for the relentless cycle of being triggered into physical cravings.  It stops at only the thoughts.

Blessed be.

Prayer

My sponsor shared this process acronym of sorts for prayer:

PRAY
Pray... Peace... Purpose... Process...
Reconciliation... Repentance... Restoration...
Acceptance... Action... Act as if...
Yield...  YES to GOD and God's Will to be done in our lives.

Nice, eh?  I like it for those sticky things when I pray and still feel stuck.  

Blessed be.