Discord

The reading in For Today for this morning is about discord and its counterpart, peace.  Or as Publilius Syrus calls it, concord.

Discord gives a relish for concord - Publilius Syrus

Curiously, Publilius Syrus, the 1st Century Latin proverbist, also gave us the phrase, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." 

But what of concord?  It is not a word commonly used but rather an idea common sought, I think.  

Concord. s.v. agreement or harmony between people or groups. 

The reading states that fighting the disease of compulsive eating (indeed, any addiction, I expect) is fighting myself.  So I lay down my arms in OA.  I am open to the teaching of others.

For Today continues by noting how "being human, however, I still bring discord into my life:  I sometimes get angry over my own and others' mistakes; I argue over minor matters as though my life depended upon it; I eat too much and hate myself for it."

Publilius Syrus has an apt proverb for that too:

"An angry man is again angry with himself when he returns to reason."

 So I reflect on my affinity for discord - creating it, being curious by it, observing it in others with disdain but also fascination.  And I pray for more peace, more concord, more connection in my interactions with others.  I look at my progress so far and I want more progress.  I dare to keep trying to grow and OA is a place where I have found some concord.

Thanks, Publilius Syrus, for reminding me today that "valour grows by daring, fear by holding back."

Blessed be.

On Awakening

I didn't realize it would be so painful to wake up.  It is.  And that's ok.  I am learning to work with emotions and memories I have blocked -- intentionally, desperately, out of a perverse sense of self preservation -- for decades. 

This morning's reading in For Today starts with this quote from Henry Miller (and I choose to leave the misogyny of some of his writing to the side for now and focus on what is useful instead):

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop of his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.

And the reading continues with, "Under the heavy anesthetic of compulsive overeating there was perfect security.  I felt no pain or confusion.  [Well, I felt pain but it was somehow better pain than the original pain - how's that for addict logic...]  In fact, I did not feel a thing.  The price I paid for such peace was to chop off all my connections with reality, and with life itself."

Now, as my 4th decade is well underway, I am no longer sedating myself out of my life with excess food.  The pain never really went away - it was numbed, I told myself it was more manageable as my life crumbled around me.  Now, I see big gaping holes where my life should be -- my health, my relationships, my physical environment, a sense of fun and adventure.  My life got small.  And breaking out of that is painful.  It's hard.  I tell myself it's worth it.  But right now it pretty much sucks.  The waves of anger, fear, disillusionment, sadness are tidal - they feel tsunami when they are here and then I laugh at my anxious over reaction when they start to lessen in intensity.

The For Today message is this:

For today:  I do not have to be afraid that my feelings will blow me away.  I can allow myself to feel them, talk about them, write about them -- and watch them dissipate.  I do not need the fake security of compulsive overeating. 

I can live my stormy life without abusing myself in the process.  These are skills I have when I work my program.  Life saving skills.  Life preserving skills.  Not the false security that cripples me, but the real skills of living.

Blessed be.

Where to find God

This morning, I discovered some passages by Khalil Gibran, whose work I first saw in a quote from the OA For Today daily reader.  In his work, The Prophet, he wrote:

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather,"I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

and this:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite. Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody. But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

and then this:

Could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And as I can feel autumn in the air, the calendar ticks over to the new month of September, I hold in my heart my faith and I feel overwhelmed by love.

Blessed be.

A Time of Testing

There is much to be gained from the For Today style emails that are sent out by various 12 Step groups.  Sometimes they say something profound that I haven't yet read in my OA literature.  This morning was one of those days. 

As my body starts to respond the longer I follow a weigh and measure food plan, my mental distress seems to get louder.  It is as if, deep down, I fear that I am unsafe in this period of change.  I am not unsafe.  I am just reacting emotionally to change with some fear.  I am reminded that even dearly wanted change can be painful in both expected and unexpected ways.  Let go.  Let God.

This came from http://www.DailyAAEmails.com this morning:

Meditation for the Day

Painful as the present time may be; you will one day see the reason for it. You will see that it was not only testing, but also a preparation for the life-work that you are to do. Have faith that your prayers and aspirations will some day be answered. Answered in a way that perhaps seems painful to you but is the only right way. Selfishness and pride often make us want things that are not good for us. They need to be burned out of our natures. We must be rid of the blocks that are holding us back, before we can expect our prayers to be answered.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may be willing to go through a time of testing. I pray that I may trust God for the outcome.


Blessed be.

Effort, a Plan and Faith

The quote in For Today this morning is from Antoine de Saint Exupery, who wrote the wonderful children's book, The Little Prince.  It reads:

As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it.

Today, I am not planning the outcome, I am only working my process.  I ask God to help direct the outcome of my actions, the changes I am making, and my recovery.  I take responsibility for my wild self, just as the Little Prince did the fox, the flower.

Never in a million years did I realize how much work recovery would be.  Now I know it takes daily, consistent, dedicated effort.  There are no days off.  There are no holidays.  These are false luxuries which set me back in my recovery.  I choose daily - am I working toward recovery, am I making myself more able?  Or am I choosing a set back, self harm?   And I make my choice.  Free will.  Yet I know I am happier if I surrender my wilful, wild self to what someone who loves me wants for me, what my Higher Power would want me to be.  There's work involved in that but it is worth it.

Another quote attributed to Antoine de Saint Exupery that fits with today is, "The one thing that matters is the effort."  

Blessed be.

Anger and Recovery

I never expected to feel such a steady storm of anger in recovery.  I wish I felt more joyous as I approach my first abstinence birthday.  Instead, I am irritable easily and often lately.  I am frustrated - a combination of sad and mad - that my recovery is taking so long.  I am angry that my past haunts me, that depression lurks to darken my days, that some days just being is very hard.

I know the Big Book says we have to let go of our angers, our resentments:

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.  The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us.  They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for [addicts] these things are poison. [Big Book, p.66]

Being angry about the past is not only useless, it is harmful to my recovery.  My future depends on setting aside past hurts, past resentments -- not because it was right or fair or just that they happened - but because it is in my best interest to let them go.

The Promises talk about how we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it [Big Book, p.83].  I am not there yet.  Some days I am.  Some days, the past hangs over me like a smothering wet blanket, blocking all light, all progress, all life.

At this stage in my recovery, anger is not even a luxury, it is a force that threatens my abstinence.  Even justified anger, as I work through a legal process resulting from someone else's inattention damaging me, is harmful to my serenity, my equilibrium, my ability to move forward unaltered by self harm or self abuse.

The AA 12&12 is helpful, I find, on anger.  In the discussion on the daily inventory, Step 10, it reads:

...we have found that justified anger ought to be let to those better qualified to handle it.

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we [addicts].  It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not.  A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective.  Nor were we ever skilful at separating justified from unjustified anger.  As we saw it, our wrath was always justified.  Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely.  These emotional 'dry benders' often led straight to the bottle.  [...]

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.  We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument.  the same goes for sulking or silent scorn.  These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness.  Our first job is to sidestep the traps.  When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think.  for we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic. [AA 12&12, pp. 90-91]

...we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means.  It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like, us are suffering from the pains of growing up. [p.92]

And I am reminded of the passage in the OA 12&12 about Step 1 where it says "we never grew up".  Well, I'm growing up now.  With all the pains, tantrums, storms, and learning that comes with it.

Blessed be.

Saying No / Boundaries

I have been frustrated lately by people not extending themselves to do the work my local OA community needs.  Or if they do take on a project, they don't follow through.  Rarely they are honest enough to say, "I can't right now".  Most of the time they just ghost.  I'm sure it is unfinished in their own mind and a source of shame for them.  Another defeat instead of a triumph in their recovery.

And I feel anger over that absence, that something I hoped would be done is undone.  Sadness of them ghosting and being unwilling to stand up, take responsibility, keep their word, or apologize and make amends.  I find it upsetting to have the expectation / experience of counting on them to do what they said they would do.  And I feel pressure to take up the slack.  That's where boundaries come in most strongly for me right now in this stage of my recovery.

A good friend reminds me to look at these situations as "not my circus, not my monkeys."  True, except I want a vibrant OA in my area.  We are heading into the second year with no annual retreat.  It's been over a year since Intergroup did a workshop.  I am feeling this urge to fill the gap.  I honestly do not have the energy to put a whole retreat together and it should not be on any one individual anyway.  So sigh.  I will go to a neighbouring Intergroup's retreat and be grateful for all their work and effort in providing this recovery opportunity.  And I will see if my home group will do a 1/2 day workshop.  Do what we can, where we are, with what we have.

The For Today reading this morning is this:

Better deny at once than promise long. (Danish proverb) 

"Well, maybe."  "Perhaps."  Is that what I say because I can't say No?  Or worse yet, "We'll see."  That takes the prize for keeping someone dangling and coming back to find out whether it's Yes, No or another We'll see. 

Fear is at the root of my inability to refuse.  Someone may get angry or be so displeased as to write me off, no longer have anything to do with me.  But I cannot be responsible for the way people react to the choices I make.  That is their problem, and I no longer think I can solve other people's problems.  All I can do today is try to carry out God's will for me as I see it.  If I'm wrong, I will stand corrected and make my amends.  I believe that, too, is God's will.

For today:  God grant me the courage to be honest; to say No if that is what I mean.

And at the same time, God grant me the courage to try new things, to stretch myself, to come out of my isolation and carry my load, fairly.  Not too much.  Not too little.  And to have faith that as others recover, they will do the same. 

May I have patience and pity for those who are not yet able to carry the message and contribute their share of the OA community's work.  May I let go of my perfectionism and my expectations of others.

May I place my recovery on my own shoulders and with the help of my Higher Power, grow in my own right, without reference to what other people may or may not do.

Blessed be.

Great quotes I found today...

Oh, sometimes words are so comforting.  Like libraries but in little pieces.  

These are the quotes speaking to me tonight:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. What you seek is seeking you. (Rumi)

If you limit yourself only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise. (Anais Nin)

You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. (Nina Simone)

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. (Winston Churchill)

So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable. (Christopher Reeve)

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today? (Mary Manin Morrissey)

We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated. (Maya Angelou)

Life doesn't get better, you get better. (Unknown)

It is clear that we are just an advanced breed of primates on a minor planet orbiting around a very average star, in the outer suburb of one among a hundred billion galaxies. BUT, ever since the dawn of civilization people have craved for an understanding of the underlying order of the world. There ought to be something very special about the boundary conditions of the universe. And what can be more special than that there is no boundary? And there should be no boundary to human endeavour. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there is life, there is hope. (Stephen Hawking)

Divorce

I have taken Step 3 multiple times.  I know the Step 3 Prayer by heart.  This weekend, I am reframing my commitment to abstinence and my surrender to a power greater than myself after a slip last week that shocked me to my core.  

My addiction to food has been a comfort that stood in the place of a true friend, a true lover, a true partner.  It has been destructive.  Addiction is a bigger force than me.  It is a bully. 

When I was a child, addiction sold me on the idea that food abuse is my friend, my life guard, my protector.  None of that is true. My suffering was prolonged and made worse.  I learned to hate myself.  I stayed in this abusive relationship with my self into adulthood, for decades.  I need to leave my addiction behind me and never turn back  A divorce.  Finality.  No reconciliation.  

None of the promises addiction made to me -- that I would feel better, that life would be easier -- ever came true.  Not once.  Instead, I suffered more.  Suffering I know is not better or safer than unknown blessings.  My addiction has been an abusive partner in my life and I have been working at breaking free for more than three years.

With every fibre of my being, every tear I have shed, I want to be free of the pain addiction brings to my life.  The isolation.  The self hatred.  The fear.  On Tuesday, the price of my self worth was 200 g of chocolate mini eggs or $4.50.  God, that breaks my heart open.  An open heart is ready to heal.  

I am a child of God.  My worth is immeasurable.  So I am divorcing my lying, cheating, abusive addiction and turning toward God as my life partner going forward.

This is my promise and my prayer:  

I am walking away from addiction.

I walk toward God.

I walk and if it gets too hard, I accept that I will fall.

And when I fall, I will crawl toward God instead.

And if I can't crawl, I will stay where I am and I will trust God.

I do not go back.  I do not look back.  Because I have walked away from my addiction.  My decision is final.

I choose the path that will give me a loving peaceful life.

I can go to God when I have doubts.

When I fall, I will fall into God's hands. I will not fall into disgrace and destruction because I am walking away from my addiction.

Blessed be.

Breaking Down the Anatomy of Giving Up

Sometimes it feels like I am in an endless cycle, an emotionally broken loop, where I make some progress, I get scared or frustrated, and I either give up for awhile (or I want to).  And there is an anatomy to this process that I repeat every time.  A run away train of negative emotions.  This morning, I am grateful for my coach (who has his own recovery and addiction) for identifying the steps I take toward giving up in -- he pointed them out in my own writing! -- and then tracing the leaps of distorted logic that take me from "this is hard" to "I can't".  Sometimes we do not clearly see our own patterns and this is where working with others is invaluable.

Now that I see the pattern, I see it in myself and also when I work with other fellows in program.  It comes into play emotionally when we are confronted with something emotionally challenging that requires us to honestly look at and then do the work to change our behaviours.  For me, it has been arising as I take steps to work through my depression.  In a sponsee, I see it as the sponsee struggles with confronting her past as she works on her Step Four inventory.  It goes like this:

"This is difficult" (my thoughts are a jumbled mess)

and that leads in the logic to

"This is impossible" (I cannot focus)

and that leads to 

"I am not good at this" (technically true; it is new)

and that leads to

"I don't like this at all" (I feel overwhelmed)

and that leads to

"I don't want to do this" (I am stressed because this is hard)

and that leads to

"this is crushing me, it must be wrong" ("I can't" / panic)

and that leads to

giving up.  

There is a Japanese proverb that says "Fall seven times, get up eight."  Which is great except when you want to learn to stop falling.  Getting up is hard.  Learning not to fall is harder.  More advanced.  When I get to the point where I want to give up because working with my hard feelings (and then actually doing something to change them) is just so hard, I remind myself what the Big Book says (p.417):

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my compulsive overeating, I could not stay abstinent; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.

And I pray to accept that I am struggling and affirm to myself that I will not give up.  I will ask for help and I will try again.  And then I remind myself that "faith without works is dead" [Big Book, p.76] and I push myself to do the next right thing.

Blessed be.