A more Involved Step 10 when the issue has sticky thoughts and feelings...

I'm wrestling with whether to continue with a weekly group, finding it not that helpful.  I had committed to see it through for 12 weeks, however, and have been going back and forth on whether it is the right thing for me to withdraw from the group. 

This is the wisdom from my sponsor, who shared her experience with finding weekly meetups with a friend no longer felt right either:

...  it was then I knew that I'd have to do a  quick  step 10 with GOD..I'd go into the quiet sacred space. (as I do every morning-aka step 11) and talk it over with GOD.. BUT  if the issue kept coming up in my mind.. and if I talked about it to anybody (that's when I knew I needed more work on the subject  when I give power to negative thoughts by giving them a voice)...

... then I'd have to write out my step 10, taking the guidelines from the Big Book, p.84:  "Dear God, I'm feeling these emotions (and I write every one out) and now I'm asking YOU to remove them," et cetera.

When I finish with the guide of p. 84,  I do a pro and con list...  I take a 8" x 11" piece of paper and write a pro column  and con column... and then fill it in.  What is the PRO if I stay there?  What is the CON if I leave?

I actually did this with a good old friend as well and found out that the con's outvoted the pro's by only ONE...  so I placed it in GOD'S hands...  and asked for a sign because I truly thought what a waste of time to meet with her once a week!   

And GOD DID DO what was necessary:   my friend started to have car trouble and couldn't make our weekly meeting.  Eventually, winter came and our time together was limited by severe weather...  Then summer came and she called to say, "it's too hot and I'm not going out today".  That was the end of our relationship... except for we did continue to meet twice a year, once for her birthday and once for mine. 

I had let go and let GOD handle it..

100 days and 6X Abstinence

I am 101 days in with rigorously working my program after slipping and sliding for a long time.  I never did get to a 6X size but I did get back to 3X.  I've released almost 30 pounds in 100 days through a slow and careful food plan, watching my macros of carbs to fat to protein carefully, keeping my blood sugar stable, and seeing my mood improve as a result.  This was all possible because I focused on Steps 1, 2 and 3 and then 10, 11 and 12 over and over.  I read and re read the Big Book pp.84-88 daily.  I read the passage on acceptance on p.417 so many times... until I stopped twisting the words around and knew it by heart.

My sponsor said at the beginning of working together, just over three months ago now, that absolutely rigorous honesty is required to work this program.  And I have taken her experience, strength and hope on board when my experience, strength or hope faltered.

She says Absolutely Honest Abstinence means no eXtras, no eXcesses, no eXcuses, no eXceptions, no eXpectations and no eXclusions (6 X's).

She also says the road to relapse is paved with deviations (which is practically saying the same thing).

I am reminded of the passage in the Big Book where it reads (p.58):  

Rarely have we seen someone fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

This.

Blessed be. 

Cravings when my food is clean are only thoughts...

Joe and Charlie write about how the phenomenon of addiction starts in the mind.  It is the thought that I need something to "help" me feel less irritable, restless and discontent.  The cravings only start once the substance is in our system physically.  Before that, it is just a thought.

So I was having some 'cravings' (really, they were thoughts) that I wanted ice cream, a hamburger, some pizza.  Some summer street food in the heat, in the plaza, with everybody else.  The normal eaters and the not normal eaters in their pre-recovery days.

But those are thoughts.  Thoughts that mask the feelings of "I'm lonely" and "I wish I was like everybody else".  And EVERYBODY, from Bill W to Joe and Charlie to my sponsor to me when I'm not being restless, irritable and discontent, says this delusion of being like a normal eater has to be set aside completely.  Smashed.

So why the thoughts when my food is clean?  It's just my will trying to drive the show into a ditch.

My sponsor says when these thoughts come, we first inventory our food.  If it's clean, then I inventory my thoughts, words, and actions.  No matter where these thoughts of abusing myself with food come from, I deal with the thoughts, the cravings in MY MIND.  I don't set my body up for the relentless cycle of being triggered into physical cravings.  It stops at only the thoughts.

Blessed be.

Prayer

My sponsor shared this process acronym of sorts for prayer:

PRAY
Pray... Peace... Purpose... Process...
Reconciliation... Repentance... Restoration...
Acceptance... Action... Act as if...
Yield...  YES to GOD and God's Will to be done in our lives.

Nice, eh?  I like it for those sticky things when I pray and still feel stuck.  

Blessed be.

Songs that Lift my Spirit and Help with Connection

Part of my Step 11 practice is to listen to songs that lift my spirit and help me connect with life, love, and my HP.

This beautiful sunny Canada Day morning, I'm listening to these:

Since I've Laid My Burden Down by Mississippi John Hurt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXEtNknolKY

Amen / This Little Light of Mine by Etta James

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu_Ebu7SimM

and reminding me how much I've learned from adding my sponsor's voice to my own lately:

One Voice by the Wailin' Jennys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-24qGCvo7A

Love and blessings.

And an update:  another OA-er shared this and I love it:

Be Still by the Fray
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vtp-p7qFI2I

Food Plan Documents

Click here

See also the March 2017 OA Sea to Sky newsletter article on food plans here.

Boundaries

Interested to read this lovely quote from Prentis Hemphill, the former Healing Justice director of Black Lives Matter, on boundaries:

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.- Prentis Hemphill

My sponsor is encouraging me to take a step back in my service positions and focus on my recovery.  Strong personal recovery is a service in itself.  I often find it easier to serve others before I serve my own needs and that leads to resentment.  It's unhealthy.

I see it in others too -- a busy life in service to others can be a front for not being willing to love ourselves enough to do our own work for ourselves.  There is an unchallenged shame in there;  feeling we are not deserving of recovery in our own right.