Open Wide to What You Want

open wide.
give your desires words, out loud words.
tenderly gaze of the eye to eye.
expose your craving any way you must,
under a blanket or backed by a rented band.
reveal your intentions, clean.
stand there, vulnerable, waiting.
describe your dream, in detail.
clarify what you're afraid of and give faith to the opposite.
engage every cell in fiercely wishing:
to be seen, to be graduated, adored, valued, validated, met.
the moment holds it all.  give it then and there.
even if it didn't work out before, or you're not sure what will come out of you to make for something new.
(you can't be sure.)
blow off the past.
ask for what you want.
unzip the casing of your personality and let that inner layer feel the air.  smart warm life.
do it front of another being.
this is terrifying relief:
to merge
out in front
melting edges
contributing
punctuations of ecstasy
everyday happiness deepening
we know.
pulse open.  open.  open.
you will get hurt.  shattered -- guaranteed.
a glance will cut.  denial will bruise, rejection will fracture.
you'll cry.  clenched.  you'll be infuriated.  you may choose to walk away - agonized.
leave, quit.  swing back.  shoot a dart of defence.
you'll regret it -- more or less.
if you stay there, closed down 'round your core, then you'll never leave the house feeling like yourself.
you'll pad your soul with stuff destined for landfills.
piles of dislike and complaints will heave between you and bliss.
(bliss is possible.  we know.)
itchy. tight.  foggy.  this happens when the heart is veiled.
nothing will ever be quite right, day after day.
pulse back open.
do it to be it.
lean toward.
worship your precious impulses.
focus to expansion
this once.
open
up
any
way
you
can.

(by Danielle Laporte)

Love Lift Us Up

It's New Year's Eve Day and I am alone.  And I will be alone tonight.  And tomorrow.  This is nothing new.  And it hurts like it always has.  I saw a sad movie with a friend last night and cried during and after.  Back at home, sitting on my couch, his arms around me, I cried.  It's like you are lost, he said.  Yes.  I am trying to find my footing, my place, my groundedness but I haven't yet.

It's snowing outside, the house is chilly, and I'm listening to music.  Tears fall, like the sadness just has to leach out.  I cannot contain my feelings and so I am surrendering to how I feel.  It's just the way it is right now and it will pass.  Or not. 

Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.

Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world, few hearts survive
All I know is the way I feel
When it's real, I keep it alive

The road is long, there are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

Some hang on to "used to be"
Live their lives, looking behind
All we have is here and now
All our life, out there to find

The road is long, there are mountains in our way,
But we climb them a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

Time goes by
No time to cry
Life's you and I
Alive, today

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

-lyrics by Joe Cocker

Blessed be.

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This morning's reading in Voices of Recovery is focused on the Serenity Prayer.  I find this such a useful, grounding prayer.  The reading too is very helpful:

I was spending most of my energy on things I could not change, worrying, fretting, and trying to make them come out 'my' way.  Meanwhile, I was ignoring things that I could change, spinning my wheels where they did the least good.  No wonder I felt so much stress and self-loathing.

Now, when I find myself troubled by an issue or situation, I think about it while I say the Serenity Prayer.  If it is something I can change, I think of the steps I can take to begin to change, and I pray for the willingness to take action.  If it is something I cannot change, I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for the willingness to accept it.  This exercise brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God's presence.

Yes.  This.  I am amazed when I look back on my actions to see how much of my energy is wasted and how I could do things that would be useful instead.  Serenity, courage, and wisdom.  I am learning these.

Blessed be.

Just being quiet

I read the daily readings tonight.  I have had a quiet day.  Quiet and peaceful. 

Blessed be.

Seeking

I turned to the reader Voices of Recovery this morning for my daily reading.  Today's entry reads:

...I would if I could, my friend, but -- as it is for me -- the problem is within... I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why I feel as I do about myself. - For Today, p.277

Which is the For Today reading for October 3rd.  The entire passage provides more context:

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. - Francois de la Rochefoucauld. 

Surely something, someone can fix me.  A little this, a little that, a new combination, a new person or place, a new goal.  Can you fix me?  The question, in a thousand different guises, is still asked.  The wise person answers, "I would if I could, my friend, but -- as it is for me -- the problem is within."  It is not the weather, the dog, the neighbours, my house, my spouse or lack of spouse, my job or lack of one; it is within me.  Nothing on the outside changes that.  When I am feeling bad about myself, I can put the blame on anything and everything.  When I am feeling good about myself, I accept all things that make up my life on the outside. 

For today:  I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why I feel as I do about myself.

I have a negativity bias.  I assume the worst about myself.  I am working on that and changing my core belief.   I have lived with the core belief that I am damaged for most of my life.  I am not sure where that comes from although I have some suspicions.  For today, I am working on changing my core belief to I am capable of healing.  The word "whole" is resonating with me.  I want to feel whole.

Blessed be.

Life was Meant to be Lived

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.  - Eleanor Roosevelt

The reading today is timely - I am pondering what my 'bucket list' could be to help me make my life bigger, more joyous, more full of wonder.  The reading says:

Meeting life head-on has the great virtue of allowing me to see everything, to know in the instant how best to proceed -- and then go ahead and do it.  I am here for the purpose of living, which means putting all my God-given faculties to their fullest and best use.

Depression makes my life small, dark, and scared.  Living the 12 Steps makes me get out, connect, find unity, even laugh. 

Coming home last night from visiting family for Christmas, the road was slippery and filled in places with pooling water.  Big wet snow flakes splattered against the windshield and I had to concentrate to make sure I could see the road through all the grey, the wet, the cold.  I was saddened, starting to cry, at the emptiness I feel leaving my family, knowing I am going home to a lonely quiet apartment.  I realized that I cannot expect my family to substituted for the life I want - with a loving partner, connection, intimacy.  They love me and when I see them, I feel that love.  And when I get home, the cat is deliriously happy to see me, showing her affection with purring and cuddles, kneading and head butts.  I am loved.  I am just not always loved the way I would like to be.  Some of that I can do something about.  Some of it I can't - it is out of my control.  And when I realized this, I stopped crying, concentrated on my driving, and felt serenity.

Blessed be.

Acceptance

Furthermore, how shall we come to terms with seeming failure or success? Can we now accept and adjust to either without despair or pride? Can we accept poverty, sickness, loneliness, and bereavement with courage and serenity? Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us? AA 12&12, p. 112

This is my third Christmas off work due to major depression.  It has been a hard journey to lose my professional status, the work itself, my connections with clients and colleagues, and my certainty in what my daily work is.  However, I am coming to terms with this and finding new work I need to do.  Work I have put off for years.  Work on my most inner self.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." —James Baldwin

Blessed be.