Forgiveness and Change

This week sees me grateful in celebrating my fifth month of abstinence.  And sad because my depression is a bit worse this week and I am feeling that acutely.  And to some extent, it's situational.  To a large extent, it is something I have welcomed into my life as a temporary price for making some big changes.

I have intentionally stressed myself and my food plan by taking a Food as Medicine class led by a local psychiatrist (also MD) and a naturopathic doctor.  The goal of the class is to improve depression by reducing inflammation responses in my body through changing my nutrition.  An important aspect of this class is an elimination diet.  In the last month, I have dramatically changed my food plan. I gave up bread and pasta first.  And then milk, cheese, cream (and that meant coffee went too).  Then eggs.  No soy.  And now I am gluten free as well.  I have pretty much changed to a lean natural source protein and vegetable diet.  I feel crappy and I'm told that is usual in the first week or 10 days or so with these kinds of nutritional changes.  I feel like I have the flu.  Everything hurts, I have a headache.  I am constantly getting hungry as my body screams "glucose!  fructose!  lactose!  give me any or all of those things!" 

It is really hard.  But I am doing this not to punish myself or deprive myself.  I am doing this by following the best available medical advice, knowing the results of my latest and most comprehensive blood tests, and trying to heal myself with every resource I can find.  I am fixing some vitamin deficiencies.  I am eating in ways that stabilize my blood sugar as much as possible (so I avoid developing diabetes down the road).  I am trying to reduce the inflammation in my body that stresses my heart and my arteries, raises my blood pressure, and swells my body.  I am eating to reduce the fat stored in my body.  Not because I am vain.  Because I no longer need to carry that protection which is killing me.

It is hard to face decades of not being at home in my body.  Of avoiding mirrors.  Of feeling unloveable.  Being willing to do the hard work.  Open to living very differently in such basic things as how I nourish myself. 

Knowing that to heal my soul and my body, I need to embrace all the feelings, accept all that has been, and know that the way forward is not easy, but it will be worth it.  (or maybe it won't be...)  But it doesn't matter right now whether this is the miracle I hope it is or not.  Because this elimination diet offers me a chance at feeling better, at healing myself.   I am worth this chance.  And I say to myself, "I am forgiving you for not being a perfect person and for being, in the moment, a depressed person.  I am grateful for a new chance at life."

UPDATE.  December 6, 2017.  I have reintroduced a bit of dairy.  I am not being super vigilant around eggs if they are in something.  But I am still avoiding gluten and wheat as well as soy - I think it may be helping.  Interesting.

Willingness and Step 6

Any Lengths:  Willingness & Step 6

This month’s focus is the spiritual principle of willingness.  Step 6 asks us to be “entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character” – the fears, resentments, insecurities, self-seeking and so on – that we uncovered in taking our inventories.

There is a saying in OA that captures the idea of willingness: “OA is not for those who need it, only for those who want it.”  But what does it mean to want to change?  To be willing to change?  To be ready to change?  Willingness comes down to the state of being prepared to do something; readiness.

We learn in OA that we have a fatal disease.   We learn too that recovery is possible: “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps” [Big Book, p.58].

With Step 1, we have started to practice open-mindedness in setting aside our notions that we can “control” addiction, our compulsions and the unmanageable lives that result.  We become open to new ways of thinking about powerlessness and strength in Steps 2 and 3.  In Steps 4 and 5, we practice honesty:  first with ourselves and then with our sponsor or another trusted human being.  We lay our lives bare because we want to change.  “Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the essentials of recovery, but they are indispensable,” the Big Book reminds us in the Appendix titled ‘The Spiritual Experience.’ 

When it comes to addiction, recovery is a decision, not a negotiation. Past experience tells us that we don’t negotiate with this disease, we either recover from it or we don’t.  Do you ask yourself, “I’ll have to see what I am willing to do for my recovery today?”  This may be why your abstinence is not where you’d like it to be.

As we move to Step 6, we ask ourselves:  Is our work solid so far?  Are the stones properly in place?  Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation?  Have we tried to make mortar without sand?  [Big Book, pp.75-76].  Lawrie C talks about how his first sponsor made him go back to revise and add to his inventory more than once when Lawrie equivocated on the answers to these questions! [www.oabigbook.info].  But once we can answer these questions to our satisfaction, we are truly at Step 6. 

Then, our willingness is significantly tested:  it’s time to let go of old ways that do not serve us or our fellows.  On page 76, the Big Book asks, “Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all — every one?” In other words, do we want to keep holding on to a few things? A resentment against someone who wronged us deeply? Justified anger? A comfortable old way of looking at the world that we think keeps us safe from its ups and downs? The way we talk to others? The way we listen (or don’t listen)? Aggressive driving? The need to be right? The need to control? All or nothing? The idea that we can rely on ourselves? Eating compulsively to quash our feelings?

These and a hundred-thousand other worn-out ideas and ways of conducting ourselves in the world have to go. Otherwise we will eat compulsively again. Think of our lives like a damaged ship. We wouldn’t go back to sea having repaired the boat save for one little hole in the hull. Even if the hole was tiny, eventually enough water would stream in that we would sink. It is the same with our recovery.

We are in the business of giving ourselves to our Higher Power so that we can be fully repaired—by God—and sent back into the world to help others. If we deceive ourselves into hanging onto just a couple little things, then, like the ocean filling the ship, our ego will find that weak point and fill our souls back up with the very kind of junk we’d just disclosed about ourselves in Step 5. The stuff that makes us want to eat compulsively.

As addicts, we have this uncanny knack for hanging onto behaviours that have proven again and again to cause us pain and suffering. Step 6 is about getting honest on this account and being willing to change.  It is about finally getting ourselves fully and unquestionably ready to abandon the stuff that doesn’t work in our lives. And because we are probably the worst judges of what does and doesn’t work in our lives, we have to give it all away to our Higher Power, the good and the bad. That’s how we avoid even the potential for hanging onto to something objectionable that can lead us back to eating again.

It’s OK if we aren’t yet willing. We just need to understand that we will not receive the gifts of this program until we are.  If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.  We may focus our prayers on those who frustrate us, for example.  We ask for others in our prayers and, in doing so, become willing to change ourselves. 

Sometimes people share in meetings that their willingness has left them.  That may be.  But they can get it back.  Willingness is not a Muse that comes and goes at whim.  We need not wait for Divine Inspiration to recover from compulsive eating.  If you have been trying to give up the old ways and have condemned yourself for your failure to do so, simply be willing to learn how the old ways may be replaced with ways of peace.  [And then do those things!]  If you are willing to be abstinent, even ‘failure’ may be used as a teaching device. If you are willing to be abstinent, you ask for guidance from your Higher Power, your sponsor, from whatever source will help you.  When you are willing, there is acceptance… and then there is learning followed by action.  And this willingness starts within you.  You can be your own catalyst, reaching out for willingness through your Higher Power and the OA Fellowship.  No magic pixie dust or fairy godmother is required.

Steps 6 and 7 get only a very few sentences in the Big Book, but they are the turning point in our recovery. Up until then, we’ve been dealing with our problems. Once we get through step 7, we restart our lives in the solution. But for step six, the good news is that we are only becoming perfectly willing, not perfectly able. It turns out that giving away our character defects is a lifelong process, and one that brings us closer and closer to God. So, in step 6, we have simply to tell ourselves, that, yes, this is something I’m signing up for.  I am willing to change.

We have to go all-in with God or we go nowhere and stay stuck.  This is the crucial turning point in the Steps. If we say yes, and proceed through Step 7, amends are not optional. Prayer is not optional. Sponsoring is not optional. Compulsive eating is not an option. OA is not optional.  We go to any lengths.

è  Want more? There’s the World Service Podcast on Step 6 - https://oa.org/podcasts/step-six-june-14-2015/  or Step 6 Writing and Action List - http://oahow.squarespace.com/2-questions-topics/Step%206%20Q%20%20Action%20Suggestions.doc  Y

-Jennifer S, North Vancouver, with grateful acknowledgment of concepts in the Step 6 blog posts at seacoastoa.org (Portsmouth, NH).

Step 5 and Integrity

Spiritual Principle:  INTEGRITY in Recovery

One of the hardest things to admit is that we have lied to ourselves.  Lied about our eating or our food behaviours.  How many of us have binged and then “forgot” just a day or so later?  We think we have the flu or food poisoning or we didn’t sleep well.  In reality, we make ourselves suffer physically when we binge, restrict or purge.  Like any other addiction, compulsive food behaviours are a form of self-abuse.  The dishonesty we have around our food behaviours is also self-harming.  It destroys our trust in ourselves.

Step 5 asks us to “admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”  The underlying spiritual principle to this step is integrity.  The courage to be this honest, to act with integrity going forward, is the cumulation of doing a Step 4 Inventory and sharing it honestly with our sponsor or another trusted person in Step 5.  We face our behaviours, our fears, our resentments, our self-seeking and other character defects squarely.  We acknowledge our past.  We face the truth about what we are like and how we got to this point in our lives.  As the 12 & 12 text says:

In steps four and five we learned courage and integrity as we faced the truth about our defects of character.  Applying these principles in all our affairs means that we are no longer ruled by a fear of admitting our mistakes.  We have the integrity to show the world our true selves.  No longer needing to appear to the world as perfect people, we can live more fully, having the courage to face up to our mistakes and test our strengths in the challenges of life. – OA 12 & 12, p.104

Have you ever realized what goes on in your head does not match what the outside world sees?  Many times, I’ve heard at a meeting a fellow acknowledge feeling “fake” or like an “imposter” sometimes.  If people knew what you are really thinking sometimes, would they be shocked or appalled?  In completing Step 5, telling someone what you have done, what your resentments are, how they affected your life, what your part is, what you fear, how you have distorted relationships – all these things help in the process of aligning your thoughts with your behaviors.  This realignment requires integrity. 

When we move forward in our recovery with integrity, we embrace the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; a spiritual uprightness in our daily lives.  We are now in a state of being whole and undivided. 

No longer do secrets – big and little – haunt us.  We have made peace with our past.  We are ready to move forward, whole.  There may still be wreckage in our past to clear – that’s what we have the amends process for in Steps 8 and 9.  But in taking Step 5, we commit ourselves to acting honestly and with integrity, not just in the eye of our High Power, but in our own mind’s eye and that of our fellows.

Step 10 encourages us to maintain this place of honesty and integrity daily.  We continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it.  A nightly inventory keeps us honest:

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? … After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.  – Big Book, p.86

The Big Book assumes we are sober when doing our nightly inventory.  In OA, we add “was I abstinent today?” to the inventory.  If not, we honestly acknowledge our relapse to ourselves, to our Higher Power and another fellow.  We look at our behaviours and rework the Steps.  Am I willing?  Do I surrender?  Have I asked for help?  What “corrective measures” do I need to take?  Integrity demands we ask ourselves the hard questions.  We are only as sick as our secrets.

Need to add to your plan of action on integrity?  Some members use an AEIOU method to take their inventory daily:  was I Abstinent?  Did I Exercise?   What did I do today for myself? What did I do today for Others?  What Unfinished business or Underlying issues do I need to deal with?   YAHOO!!!  What 5 things am I grateful for today?

Others find it helpful to use a recovery app on their phone, like the free 10th Step app on iTunes or My OA Toolkit app (iTunes or Google Play).  Still others use pen and paper, in a journal or with a template such as this:  http://www.northjerseyioa.com/tools/nightly-review-worksheet/oa-daily-worksheet.pdf    or you could try this one too:  https://www.oa-dcmetro.org/big-book-study-pdfs/BB_Study_Daily_Step_10-11_Wkshts.pdf  

OA Region 1 also sells a daily program journal that some people find helpful.  Any of these tools can help us work The Steps.  The only important thing is that we have the integrity to work our program daily.  You got this.  You’re worth it.  – Jennifer S, North Vancouver

Step 4 and Notes on Courage

Most days we only can see as far as we have the courage to look.  Step 4 asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  The underlying spiritual principle is courage.

Many of us who have a slipping and sliding kind of abstinence may have plenty of courage to do our Step 4 but then we falter.  We struggle to find the courage to do the daily work we need to do with those character defects, those emotions, that cause us to binge, to purge, to overeat, and to have compulsive food behaviours.  Or our courage to do this work is not sustained.

How committed have you been to working on your character defects?  The angers?  Resentments?  Fears?  Basically, all the icky emotions we would rather avoid.  You know, all the feelings we used to numb or silence by abusing food. 

Addicts as a group generally do not have a good vocabulary or working skill set for emotions.  Until we develop those skills, working through our Step 4 emotional baggage, we are white knuckling our recovery to at least some degree. 

White knuckling is the idea that you are holding on so tight the blood flow is restricted in your hands and your knuckles go white.  It is also the idea that you are hanging on until the end of the ride - just using pure willpower to stay sober but expected to crash eventually.  Have you (mostly) given up addictive substance(s) or behaviours but you are carrying on in your life in the same old ways, much as you always have?  It’s a kind of courage, but it is not true recovery.  There is none of the surrender we learn about in Steps 1, 2 and 3.  And so Big Book’s Promises (pp.83-84) haven’t come true (yet).

If we don’t learn to work with our emotions, we do not learn what courage in action actually means.  We do not protect ourselves from emotional chaos.  If anything, we are simply postponing the day we get overwhelmed and binge. 

If I am not consistent and dedicated in feeling my emotions, learning to live with them, how to interact positively with emotional energy, and be in relationship with others without my defects getting in the way, I will fall.  I cannot trust my “I don’t wannas” to protect me.  The “I don’t want to feel sad.”  I don’t wanna feel mad.  I don’t want to express my fear, my sadness, my resentments.   These “don’t wannas” are a recipe for a binge.

Ask yourself, have I been resistant to doing the work of dealing with my emotions which I need to do to ensure my recovery from food addiction?  Are you slipping and sliding in your abstinence?  Well…

White knuckling is being dishonest with ourselves.  Unless we deal with the underlying emotions that cause us to get upset and overwhelmed, we are not dealing honestly with the cause of our addictive behaviours.  A white-knuckle kind of abstinence isn’t true abstinence – it is not full surrender.  Instead, we rely on human will power (which inevitably fails).  Someone with white-knuckling recovery is more at risk for relapse, depression, or for developing other addictions. 

Recovery means building a new and better life away from substance abuse. This takes a lot of effort.  If the emotional work of recovery is incomplete, we have a low tolerance for any type of irritation.  Everyday ups and downs in life are a real challenge without the numbing out of addiction.   Instead of enjoying the freedom and promises of recovery, we just muddle though. 

It takes courage to retake your inventory daily with the view to look at every evasion, every “I don’t wanna”, “not now”, “it’s too hard.”  Watch your behaviours closely.  Are you inconsistent in your abstinence?  Can you talk a good 12 step recovery but cannot (or will not) consistently practice good recovery habits?  Are you restless?  Irritable?  Discontent?  Do you lash out at people close to you?  Do you flirt around the edges of situations you know could get you in to the food?

If so, your recovery is a work in progress.  A white knuckling.  You could go either way – back into active addiction or you could grow.  Giving up the addictive substances / behaviours is only the start.  It gets you clear enough to look at the mess of everything else.  But you need some impetus to grow more.

Let this be a call to courage!  Are you cleaning up your side of the street emotionally?  Or are you simply abstaining from the worst of the addiction and rearranging the emotional deckchairs on the deck of your personal Titanic?  Courage, friends.  It is not too late to build a better life.  – Jennifer S

How’s Your Faith? Step 3 in Action

Like many OA meetings, my home group welcomes newcomers by asking an experienced member to explain OA in broad brush strokes and to share what they were like when they first came to OA, what their fears were, what they learned, and how they are now.  One common theme is the use of “God” in our program. 

Faith.  It is a troubling concept for those who have struggled with the diet mentality of willpower, self-control, and personal responsibility thrust on us by well-meaning family members, concerned physicians, and a for-profit weight loss industry.

We have all the good intentions:  to start again Monday, to never buy [binge food] again, to go to the gym...  As the Big Book says, “Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help” [p.62].

Reluctance to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understand God) can be a HUGE barrier to progress.  We struggle with the spiritual principle which underlies the Third Step:  FAITH.

Step 3 is where we decide to trust God with our recovery. We admit powerlessness to overcome addictive behaviours on our own (Step 1). We realize (at least in theory) a Higher Power can deliver us from the insanity of addiction (Step 2).  Now we are ready to take the step of giving these matters over to God as we understand God.

This is a huge leap forward in faith.  We trust that God can restore us to a right mind; a sane mind that leads to sane and healthy behaviours and a life filled with greater serenity, personal power and even joy.  We recognize that we need guidance to find a new way of living. 

If we are willing to try to find a Higher Power through the steps, then we have to make a decision to WORK the steps. And, as Lawrie C says, that really is all Step Three is -- a DECISION (http://www.therecoverygroup.org/wts/2005/2005-03q3.html).  It’s not actually turning our will and our lives over. It’s just a DECISION to do that. In order to turn my will and my life over, I have to get rid of the things in myself that are blocking me from my Higher Power.  And that takes work, in particular, Steps 4 and onward.

In Step 3, we have faith that we can turn over that rigid sense of self and an obsession with food that binds us up in resentment, anger, and fear.  We read the Big Book on how the addict is constantly battling for control:

“…like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. […]  What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. […]  What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” [Big Book, pp.60-61]

We realize we have to let go of our need to be in control.  But practically, what does that mean?  It takes Step 3:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. […]  Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. [Big Book, p.62]

Step 3 is the first step that requires action. The first two steps focus on reflection and introspection.  Now, we make a decision.  We shift our mindset from thinking about OA concepts to carrying them out.  So, Step 3 is the simple decision to let the God of my understanding be the overall manager of my life. I “let go and let God”.

We read in the OA 12&12, that practicing this principle of faith means that “we will no longer go through life acting however we feel like acting at any given moment.  Instead we will look to our Higher Power for guidance and strength as we face each decision” [p.103]. 

It takes a recalibration of our default reactions to life.  We start to ask for help with behaviours where we are like the child who never grew up.  If my immediate reaction is “Oh!  I wanna…” then the right answer may be “no, I shouldn’t have that.”  And if my kneejerk reaction is “no!  I don’t wanna!” then usually this is precisely the thing I should do.

So, we take the Third Step Prayer and – privately, with our sponsor, or in a meeting with our fellows – say: “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always” [Big Book, p.63].

The Step 3 Decision is to ask for help, to seek guidance, to stop and mindfully canvass our Higher Power for direction in all our affairs.  We can start with food, but sooner or later, we will turn to God in all things that trouble us.  However, we haven't completed the transaction when we say the words of commitment in prayer.

Just saying the Third Step Prayer does not turn our will and our lives over to God.  We have to choose, over and over, day to day, to bring recovery into our lives.  That's what Steps Four through Twelve are: the way to turn our whole lives - past, future, and present - over to God.

The AA 12&12 describes the process as letting God in and then doing something about it. “Like all the remaining Steps, Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God - or, if you like a Higher Power - into our lives. Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives” [AA 12&12, p.40].

We practice consciously seeking God in big things and small.  That is: 

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves” [Big Book, pp.87-88].

This is serenity:  the spiritual state of acceptance that helps us recovering addicts to achieve a state of calmness and peace.  Taking Step 3 (daily, if need be) is how we drop our resistance to recovery.  As we practice being conscious of a higher power, our inner voice will gradually turn from a hunch or occasional inspiration to gradually becoming a working part of our minds [Big Book, p.87].

And boy, will we need this!  Once we put the food down, we will likely begin to contend with emotions that we have stuffed down. Wounds that have been numbed. Dreams that have been shattered. For many, addiction is a way to cope.

Some of our difficulties coping are centred on emotions. In the process of letting go of compulsive food behaviours, we “get to know” our feelings.  Our developing coping skill of turning our troubles over to our Higher Power for guidance is put to the test. This is inevitable. We find ourselves actively pursuing those uncomfortable emotions, the very thing that we have been addictively avoiding for years. It will be uncomfortable at times.  Very uncomfortable.  [Remember the Tools?  Work them when it’s uncomfortable.  Work them when it’s not uncomfortable so you have practice for when your emotions get icky.]

As OA-er Dominica A writes, “My emotional dam broke and a lifetime of stuffed emotions came flooding out.  I had no idea how to contend with them.  Let Go and Let God.  When I get into self-will, I say, ‘God, I surrender. I give this to you right now. Take it because I don't want it. I trust you.’  Then, I do my best to let it go.”

This is Step 3 and faith.  We remind ourselves if we turn it over and don’t let go, we end up upside down!  We right ourselves and take Step 3 again.  Daily.  One day at a time.  That’s faith in action.

-Jennifer S.

Step 2 and Hope

Hope.  When we come to OA we see that despite the failures in our lives - the broken promises, hard feelings, failures, disappointments, destructive behaviours, self-hatred, anxiety, depression or guilt - there is still hope. 

Hope is the spiritual principle that supports Step 2 (“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”).   It is a big step towards the God of our understanding.  In Step 2, we begin to realize that such a Higher Power exists.  We begin to have hope this Power can set us on the road to recovery and freedom. 

Many of us have struggled when we first came to OA (and some of us since) with the idea of a Higher Power.  Surely if there is such a God, we knew nothing of Him/Her/It.  Have we not suffered alone in our compulsions?  Where was God then?  In our darkest days, one thing most of us lacked was any relationship with a Higher Power, let alone a working relationship.  Most of us had no trouble admitting that food addiction had become a destructive force in our lives. Our own best efforts resulted in ever greater destruction and despair. At some point, we realized we needed more help.

As we continue our journey to recovery through the Twelve Steps, we take Step 2 by simply admitting to the possibility of a Power greater than ourselves.  The Step 2 phrase “came to believe” suggests a process and a progression of faith that evolves over time. 

In A.A.'s oral tradition this is defined as a three-part unfolding: first, we came, that is, we showed up and stumbled through the meeting room’s door.  Then, we came to, that is, we came to our senses and began to experience emotional sobriety.  And third, we came to believe.  We began our real recovery process and our spiritual growth.

Through believing that a Higher Power can help, a person formerly eaten up with raging fear, anger, shame, doubt, guilt, and frustration becomes calm.  We begin to grow spiritually by focusing on some simple steps, going to meetings, reading the Big Book and other OA literature, and talking to a sponsor. 

We discover we are not alone; there are other caring OAs who understand because they are dealing with the same problems we have!  The simple belief that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity leads us into the OA family.  

In OA, we learn we can trust others with our deepest shame, we are lovable and we must take care of ourselves. As we gain friends who can help us get through and then even enjoy most days, we start to feel we can trust ourselves again.  Hope for the future starts to bloom.  We can start to see a new life is possible, as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny!  

- Jennifer S with thanks to 12step.org

Step 1 and Honesty (There's No Addiction Without Lies)

HONESTY (There’s No Addiction Without Lies)

“I’ll never do that again.”

 “I used to be addicted, but now I can limit myself to just one.”

Honesty is at the foundation of OA’s Twelve Steps.  It is the principle behind Step 1.  As the OA 12 & 12 says, “In step one we learned the principle of honesty as we admitted our personal powerlessness over food, and the fact that without help we could not successfully manage our own lives. Now we will want to continue being honest with ourselves in all our affairs” (p.103).

Lies are a natural and virtually automatic way of life for active addicts.  Through denial and diseased thinking, addicts (often very convincingly) lie to ourselves and our loved ones to preserve our compulsions.  We also lie to the world in an attempt to avoid stigmatization.  We have lied about big things and small things, usually to avoid rejection or judgment (or to keep up appearances) until we’ve created a fantasy life that is more tolerable than our current reality. 

Have you ever seen your reflection unexpectedly and not recognized yourself?  Do you avoid shopping for clothes so you don’t face what size you are?  These are all signs of self-deception.  Dishonesty. 

Dishonesty serves a purpose in the addict’s life. If we stop lying to ourselves about the damage our compulsive eating has made, we would have to stop abusing food and face a shameful pile of hurt we have inflicted on ourselves and the people who love us. 

Lies drive addictive thoughts and behaviours.  Honesty is very hard work.  At first, it’s much easier to hide our troubling emotions and continue using.   But honesty is key to our recovery.  As the Big Book says, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recovery are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” (Big Book, p.58).

In 12-Step recovery, the standard isn’t occasional honesty or attempted honesty, but rigorous honesty. What does this mean?

Rigorous honesty means telling the truth when it’s easier to lie.  It means sharing thoughts and feelings even when there may be consequences. In 12-Step recovery, we require ourselves to take a fearless personal inventory and promptly admit any dishonesty. We practice catching ourselves in the middle of a lie and correct it, even if it’s embarrassing.

It isn’t enough to be honest with oneself (Step 1), although that’s a good start.  OA’s must also be honest with their Higher Power and other people (Steps 4 and 5), including family, health care providers, and fellows in OA.  Steps 8 and 9 require the addict to take active steps toward honesty and the last three steps require practicing honesty on a daily basis.

Rigorous honesty extends to every aspect of life (“we practice these principles in all our affairs” – Step 12). We refrain from verbal lies, but also nonverbal lies (e.g., stealing or cheating).  We are honest about our own fears, limiting beliefs and unhealthy patterns.  We are honestly willing to change.

Rigorous honesty in recovery requires authentic relationships, with ourselves and with others.  Relationships that leave room for struggles and failures, setting boundaries, and living in accordance with one’s own values and principles.  Telling the truth requires ongoing attention and practice even in the face of discouragement and fear about what others will think.

If some seeds of dishonesty creep in, this can be a sign that we are returning to ineffective coping strategies. As they say in AA, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Honesty is essential – it is the principle behind Step 1 – but there are another 11 Steps!  If we don’t actively work our program, learning new skills and addressing the underlying issues, honesty alone can’t prevent relapse.

There is good news.  If we face the truths about ourselves, we come to know and love ourselves and others, imperfections and all. The Promises come true.

- Jennifer S