For Today - Chance, another name for God

November 30, 2015

Chance is perhaps the pseudonym of God when He did not want to sign.  - Anatole France

When I look back at my life, I have made some grand leaps of faith.  I have stumbled into ideas, people, places, and situations when I have needed to have them.  And sometimes before I knew I needed them. 

I am not certain I believe there is a "Grand Design" for my life in minute detail.  I am sure, however, that the Grand Design for my life is to grow, to love, to laugh, to rejoice in my humanness, and all that entails.  And that reflects a Higher Power than what I can do alone.  Just as I use a pseudonym on this blog, God is called many things.  The work is still mine.  And His.

For Today - Becoming More Teachable

November 29, 2015

Our knowledge is a little island in a great ocean of non-knowledge.  – Isaac Bashevis Singer

The assumption is knowledge is incompatible with humility – which is the state of being teachable.  Am I teachable?  The Big Book says we know very little and much more will be revealed to us.  Am I open to seeing things differently?  Or do I do what I want, when I want to? 

I have been reflecting on my behaviour and I am not happy with myself.  I get tired or stressed and I head to the store to buy things that are not good for me.  And my weight goes up, my sense of self-worth goes down, and I hate myself. 

What will it take for me to be willing to be more teachable?  To struggle with failure so I learn? 

For Today - Hope is the Risk that Must Be Run

November 28, 2015

Hope is the risk that must be run.  – Georges Bernanos

Have I tried and failed?  Try again.  One day at a time.  Yesterday, I had some small degree of hope.  I did better on my time trial on the treadmill.  I did deadlifts for the first time since the car accident.  But I binged on candy.  My protein was too low – I didn’t eat the chicken in the fridge, choosing to get pizza instead. 

So, I’m not doing 100%.  So what.  I’m risking nothing every time I try again so long as I don’t let myself believe failure is accumulative and a mark of poor character.  I beat myself so easily.  It is my default.

I am starting to challenge those thoughts when they come.  There is a slight glimmer of hope there. 
Every morning, I pick myself up and try again.  Some abstinence is better than none.

For Today - Embracing Unsettling Feelings

November 27, 2015

People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just as growth is an on-going process, so is recovery.  I am recovering, not recovered.  And today, I can grow.  I build my recovery by living with how I feel, including feeling unsettled.  I am safe and capable of living with uncertainty, with growth.

For Today - Those Who Cannot Remember the Past Are Condemned to Repeat It

November 26, 2015

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.  – George Santayana

Do I forget what it feels like to feel good?  To feel strong, supple, content in my body?  Have I ever felt that way?  I must have.  I don’t remember.  The point of this morning’s reading is if I forget how dangerous binging is and how inevitable the consequences, I am doomed to this never ending cycle of binging and regret.  I know this to be true.  Today, I will remember how binging makes me feel so unhappy, lethargic and full of self-hatred.  I don’t have to repeat this pattern.  I can let it go and fill my life with the joy of fellowship, connection, and hope.

For Today - All Who Joy Would Win Must Share It

November 25, 2015

All who joy would win must share it.  Happiness was born a twin.  – Lord Byron

I think this is true.  I am happiest when I am with others.  Alone, I get swamped by negative thoughts, sadness, and pain.  It is fellowship with other people that takes me out of my pain and makes life interesting. 

I am grateful for those close to me in my life.  They bring me happiness if I reach out to them.

For Today: The Absurd Man is He Who Never Changes

November 24, 2015

The absurd man is he who never changes – Auguste Barthelemy

I’m 44 years old and I have been eating my emotional pain since I was about 9 or 10.  That’s a long time of not dealing with my pain.  For I know that food doesn’t really help.  And the effects of my eating are actually physically harmful.  Absurd.  Yep, that’s about right.  What I am doing is absurd.  I know it.  I accept the absurdity.  It is still hard to change it. 

Program speak would be to Let Go and Let God.  Or I can’t, God can, I’ll let God do it.  At the same time, the program is only for people who want it.  Not need it.  And it only works if I work it.  Which I haven’t been.  Going to meetings is not enough.  Talking to my sponsor helps, but it is not enough.  Logging my food helps, but it is not enough.  I have a deadly disease, I’m 280 pounds and I have to work every tool I know to have even a fighting chance at regaining my health, my sanity. 

It’s crazy that I struggle so much when the answers are quite simple.  Simple but not easy.  Absurdly simple really.  So let’s not overthink this.  Let’s do the absurdly simple things that add up over time to big change.