For Today: the 12 freedoms in OA

Just learned about OA's twelve freedoms which are freedom from: food obsession, insanity and hopelessness; the bondage of self; dishonesty; isolation; the fear of change; self-reliance; blame; fear of people; complacency; loneliness; and lack of purpose. 

Cool!

For Today: Rivers, Streams, Floating, Panic, Acceptance... oh my!

Yesterday, at the course I'm taking on cognitive behavioural therapy for depression, one of the teachers read a guided imagery called The River which saw you on the bank of a large, wide, deep river, with boats coming and going, against the current and with the current.  The boats were named; there was "Contentment", "Depression", "Anger", "Joy", and many others.  Some came closer and closer to you and you did not want them near you.  You climbed down the sunny bank where you were seated and waded into the river.  You put your hands up and said "stop".  The boat kept coming.  You grabbed it by the stern and tried to push it away faster, but it just got mired on a sand bar and stayed longer.  The boat "Joy" you tried to hold onto but it pulled you off your feet and broke free.  And eventually you learned to climb out of the river, dry off on the sunny bank, and watch the boats come and go, the ones you want, the ones you don't, knowing that they come and go and there is nothing you can do to control them in any meaningful way.

And then this morning, I found a reading in the Melody Beattie daily reader, The Language of Letting Go.  She writes:

Picture yourself swimming - floating - peacefully down a gentle stream.  All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow.  Suddenly, you become conscious of your situation.  Frightened, overwhelmed with "what if's?" your body tenses.  You begin to thrash around, frantically looking for something to grab on to.  You panic so hard you start to go under.  Then you remember - you're working too hard at this.  You don't need to panic.  All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow:  you won't drown.  

Panic is our great enemy.   

We don't need to become desperate.  If overwhelming problems appear in our life, we need to stop struggling.  We can tread water for a bit, until our equilibrium returns.  Then we can go back to floating peacefully down the gentle stream.  It is our stream.  It is a safe stream.  Our course has been charted.  All is well.

And this is comforting.  Today, I will let myself float downstream more than I grasp frantically at old ways to anchor myself.

Blessed be.

For Today - Allowing myself to grow

A tree stripped of its branches will die unless new branches can be grafted onto its trunk.  In the same way, addiction strips us of whatever direction we had.  To grow or even to survive, we must open our minds and allow new ideas to be grafted onto our lives.

For Today: Changing my Reward Orientation to Longer Term

From the AA daily email this morning -- rewards, immediate or sustaining:

Sometimes when I've become willing to do what I should have been doing all along, I want praise and recognition.  I don't realize that the more I'm willing to act differently, the more exciting my life is.  The more I am willing to help others, the more rewards I receive.  That's what practicing the principles means to me.  Fun and benefits for me are in the willingness to do the actions, not to get immediate results.  Being a little kinder, a little slower to anger, a little more loving makes my life better day by day. 

I have realized my impulse toward "I want what I want, when I want it" is part of my compulsive behaviour.  If I take the time to pause, to consider what I (and my Higher Power) want for me, I stop and often make a different choice.  It's in the moment, in a rush, in an emotional upset, I make poor decisions.

And when I have a day or so of making good decisions, I want praise and immediate rewards.  I expect the scale to have gone down a few numbers, even though I've only eaten clean for a few days and binged for weeks before.  I expect my body to respond immediately and positively instead of taking our time to respond to such wildly changing situations. 

For today, I want to slow down.  Be thoughtful.  Act as if I love myself.  And keep myself from harm's way.

Blessed be.

For Today: All that you fear is really powerless to harm you

Meditation for today from AA:

All that depresses you, all that you fear, is really powerless to harm you. These things are but phantoms. So arise from earth's bonds, from depression, distrust, fear, and all that hinders your new life. Arise to beauty, joy, peace, and work inspired by love. Rise from death to life. You do not even need to fear death. All past sins are forgiven if you live and love and work with God. Let nothing hinder your new life. Seek to know more and more of that new way of living.

Let go.  Trust God.  Open your hands.  Breathe.  My recovery takes me toward life, away from death. 

Blessed be.

At the beginning we sacrificed [compulsive eating].  We had to, or it would have killed us. But we couldn't get rid of alcohol unless we made other sacrifices. We had to toss self-justification, self-pity, and anger right out the window. We had to quit the crazy contest for personal prestige and big bank balances. We had to take personal responsibility for our sorry state and quit blaming others for it. Were these sacrifices? Yes, they were. To gain enough humility and self-respect to stay alive at all, we had to give up what had really been our dearest possessions--our ambition and our illegitimate pride. - As Bill Sees It

I am living much more simply - no grand plans, just 24 hours at a time.  My emotions are getting more attention instead of being brutally suppressed.  I am taking personal responsibility for the things I can change.  And giving the rest up.  Not only is that the best I can do, that's all I can do.

Blessed be. 

For Today: My feelings suck but they are mine and I can feel them

One of the things I love about working my program is the "for today" meditation books, I have several.  And they always seem to have something that speaks directly to my experience and helps with the troubles of the day.

I was at counselling yesterday and it was difficult.  I am not used to feeling so sad and actually sobbing.  This morning I picked up the Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go daily reader (Hazelton, 1990).  And low and behold, the reading for April 6th is on patience with feeling my feelings.  It's worth typing it out (for that seems to go into my head better than just reading it):

How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience.  How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen.  How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.

Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.

Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings!  Feel the frustration.  Feel the impatience.  Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met.  Feel your fear.

Controlling our feelings will not control the process!

We find patience by surrendering to our feelings.  Patience cannot be forced.  It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude.  when we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.

Today I will let myself have feelings while I practice patience.

The part that hit home for me was "controlling my feelings will not control the process".  I have to simply feel, and be, and my recovery will come as it comes.  I cannot drag myself into more recovery.  I have to be kind to myself, feel how I feel, and trust the process.  Patiently. 

I remember how many people with 30+ years of sobriety at the AA Round-up a few weeks ago said they had to pray to live in recovery for the next 24 hours every morning.  They worked their program on the faith they too could have the recovery they see in others.  They weren't sure it was working but they did it anyway.  And eventually it worked for them.  These are the Promises of working a 12 Step program.  And I have to be patient to let them be realized in my life.  As the OA Promises say, they come sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but they will always materialize if I work for them.

Blessed be.

For Today - Anxiety and Acceptance

I learned (at least) two things yesterday. 

First, that when I'm really anxious, I have an upset tummy and run a low fever. I'm not getting sick, it's not germs, I'm making myself sick with my emotional state.  Wow.  So my coping mechanism of treating myself as if I'm getting sick, having more naps, not going to the gym, eating for my upset tummy, etc are not helpful and just magnify my anxiety. 

Second, I learned that anger passes. And it is just part of my processing when I face consequences I don't like and can't get out of.  I have been really good at getting around difficulties except for my emotions and my weight/food issues.  And that has been extremely frustrating. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way.  The only way is acceptance.  Wow. 

Blessed be.

For Today: Spiritual Progress not Perfection

Today is day 8 of 24 hours at a time.  I am praying more than I have in the past.  I started using the 3rd Step Prayer in the morning a couple of days ago.  It just seemed like the thing to do.

Yesterday, the depression loomed large.  I didn't get out of my pajamas.  I was running a low fever.  My tummy was upset.  And I did practically nothing all day. 

Today, I am starting my day with the intention it will be different than yesterday.  I got up, washed and dressed, before breakfast.  Hair done and shoes on.  I'm doing my OA reading and writing before I start breakfast.

I missed yesterday's reading and I like it a lot this morning. It's worth typing it all out - I find if I write things down (or type them out) I remember better than if I just read them.

Want is a growing giant whom the coat of have was never large enough to cover. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

My 'wants' outran my 'haves' in all things, though what I wanted most as a compulsive overeater was to be able to eat what I want when I want it.  This illness is a symptom of want.  What else did I want?  More attention?  More things?  Yes - and more, always more.  Whatever I wanted, I thought I should have simply on the strength of wanting it.  But the truth is I seldom needed the things I wanted.

I am learning that what my life needs is the elimination of clutter and excess, which take up time and space and energy.  If I think I need something, I ask myself, "What will it add to my life?"

For today:  The true source of serenity, of good feelings, is not getting what I want, but wanting what I've got.

I was planning to drive out to the leather store, register for a class, buy a whole bunch of new tools and so on.  I think maybe I shouldn't.  I have creative tools cluttering my place that I don't use.  Maybe I have what I need to add to my life already - I just need to do it.

Blessed be.

For Today - Open Hands, Open Heart

One of the speakers at the Round-up last weekend spoke about how she held on so tight to her old ways, her self-destructive ways.  Her fists were clenched tight and God cannot fill closed fists.  I found aspects of that idea in a prayer and modified it to speak to my soul, my Higher Power.

Dear God,

I know you cannot fill my closed hands,
And I have to let go of what I think is mine.
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own or want myself to be,
but what you want to give me.
What you want to give me is the serenity, courage, and wisdom I seek,
as well as your unconditional, everlasting love.

Amen.