For Today: My feelings suck but they are mine and I can feel them

One of the things I love about working my program is the "for today" meditation books, I have several.  And they always seem to have something that speaks directly to my experience and helps with the troubles of the day.

I was at counselling yesterday and it was difficult.  I am not used to feeling so sad and actually sobbing.  This morning I picked up the Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go daily reader (Hazelton, 1990).  And low and behold, the reading for April 6th is on patience with feeling my feelings.  It's worth typing it out (for that seems to go into my head better than just reading it):

How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience.  How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen.  How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.

Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.

Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings!  Feel the frustration.  Feel the impatience.  Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met.  Feel your fear.

Controlling our feelings will not control the process!

We find patience by surrendering to our feelings.  Patience cannot be forced.  It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude.  when we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.

Today I will let myself have feelings while I practice patience.

The part that hit home for me was "controlling my feelings will not control the process".  I have to simply feel, and be, and my recovery will come as it comes.  I cannot drag myself into more recovery.  I have to be kind to myself, feel how I feel, and trust the process.  Patiently. 

I remember how many people with 30+ years of sobriety at the AA Round-up a few weeks ago said they had to pray to live in recovery for the next 24 hours every morning.  They worked their program on the faith they too could have the recovery they see in others.  They weren't sure it was working but they did it anyway.  And eventually it worked for them.  These are the Promises of working a 12 Step program.  And I have to be patient to let them be realized in my life.  As the OA Promises say, they come sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but they will always materialize if I work for them.

Blessed be.