Peaceful mind, happier heart

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose. - Mary Wollstonecraft

I came to OA because I wanted to get well more than I wanted to eat.  That is the steady purpose that directs my life today.  I place freedom from compulsive overeating before everything else because I do not want to return to the life I had without it.  Before OA, the only tranquility I knew was to anaesthetize myself with food, an indulgence for which I paid dearly the rest of the time.  Nothing could save me from the mental and emotional anguish and confusion of being fat, feeling guilty, and hating myself for lack of control.

Today I am not confused about who I am and what I am doing.  I am a compulsive eater, relieved by the grace of God from the obsession, and recovering in this place I call home.

For today:  Staying aware of my purpose in living by the OA program is my true source of peace of mind.  Therefore it is my number one priority, and nothing -- no food, no circumstance, no person -- can tempt me to give it up.

This is the reading for October 31 in For Today.  It's almost 2 pm as I write this and I have finished the lunch I had planned for myself.  I have done more this morning than I have in weeks.  In fact, I have done more in the last 24 hours than I have for a long time.  I usually set my food plan the day before and send it to my food buddy (God love her).  Last night, I also set three small goals of things I wanted to get done today.  Some days, I have a hard time getting myself fed and through the shower with clean hair and clothes.  Depression really hurts. 

Today, however, I am blessed with a more peaceful mind and a happier heart.  When I read the quote from Mary Wollstonecraft*, I initially reacted negatively to the idea of tranquilizing my mind.  But a tranquil mind - that I can get behind whole heartedly.  The root word is one of peace and I now the difference now between seeking to anaesthetize myself with food and seeking a tranquil spirit through practicing my 12 Steps, being of service, and working my cognitive behaviour techniques, including meditation.

Just for today.  Blessed be.

* feminist, philosopher, writer, depressive.  English, 1759-1797.

Patience

Patience is a bitter plant, but it has a sweet fruit.  - German proverb

Waiting is one of the worst things to ask of a compulsive overeater.  If I don't see results immediately, I get discouraged.  In the days when I found one obsession with another, I dieted compulsively and jumped on the scale compulsively.  I could put up with any discomfort, any deprivation -- for varying lengths of time -- as long as I did not have to suffer a 'plateau'; to diet and lose no weight was intolerable.  Clearly, when something is intolerable, it is abandoned -- and so went every reducing scheme I ever tried.  Thank God I am not hear to diet and lose weight.

For today, I am in OA to turn my life around -- and I'm willing to wait.

As usual, the For Today reading is useful.  I am learning to have patience with myself, over and over.  It is so hard not to be rewarded for every little step I take with improved health, a more pleasing physique, a quieter more content spirit, and a less depressed mind.  But that is not how it works. 

I built up these defence mechanisms little by little over decades.  It is not realistic to think I can undo the damage or turn to more positive methods overnight.  Realistic thinking is not really my forte despite my considerable intellectual gifts.  When it comes to assessing my own being, I tend to be wildly optimistic (unrealistically so) or desperately pessimistic (again, unfairly so).  I practice, then, to be patient with myself and my progress.  One little slip isn't going to kill me.  One abstinent day doesn't fix everything.  But it doesn't hurt.

Blessed be.

In the moment

Only in a hut built for the moment can one live without fear. - Kamo no Chomei

Fear comes from projection.  My mind does not say, "This is a fine, pain-free, worry-free moment in which there is nothing to fear.  Therefore, enjoy it."  Instead, it leaps ahead, conjuring up all sorts of mishaps and calamities.

As difficult as it is to shed old habits, I keep remembering the relief and freedom and joy that came from the first time I tried abstaining one day at a time and not worrying about what would happen tomorrow.

For today, my life consists of single moments.  I occupy them one at a time, savouring the fullness of each, and find there is no room for fear.

Yesterday, I spent 1.8 hours at a counsellor on trauma.   And $110.  I cried.  My body has pain in there somewhere that just leaks out, over and over.  But as much as I was anxious, it was not fear.  Gentleness and pacing are two of the words she suggested I ponder this week as I practice holding space for my own healing.

Blessed be.

Friendship and when your sponsor relapses

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.  -- Aristotle

I've been back in OA for almost two years now and my sponsor has relapsed twice on a sustained basis.  The first time, we talked about it, and I learned quite a bit from seeing her process.  This time, she has vanished - not entirely, but mostly.  She hasn't been at meetings.  She hasn't responded to my text. 

Abandonment is one of the emotions that triggers me.  I stand on my head to keep a relationship even when it is not good for me, sometimes.  I am learning to let go more, seeing this clinging to relationships as a character defect of control. 

I know how hard this disease is first hand.  I do not have any blame or anger in my heart for my sponsor.  I wish things were different but I accept that I likely have very little influence on how they go.  I can pray for her.  I can be supportive and reach out.  But beyond that, there is nothing I can do.

It is vitally important that I do not let my focus hone in on other people and leave my own work undone.  So I let go.  I trust.  I do my own program.  And this level of self-protection and prioritization is relatively new for me.  It is not selfish to want to heal myself.  I deserve this attention and really it's the only thing I can reliably do.  God grant me the erenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  That is my simple prayer.

Blessed be.

Feeling at Home

We carry our homes within us which enable us to fly.  - John Cage

Where I live is inside myself.  My home is mine to keep exactly as it has always been -- or to change it.  The steps tell me how to clean and rearrange my home; when I am ready, my Higher Power removes stubborn defects I can do nothing about.  I alone can clutter up the space I live in with resentments, anger, self-pity -- and I alone can deal with that clutter.  I have the tools I need and helpers standing by.  I no longer have to be a victim, letting old ideas creep in and destructive thoughts pile up.  The OA program shows me how to keep my home in good order.

For today:  am I comfortable within my self?  Do I give myself the cleanliness, warmth and caring I need?

This is the reading for today. It resonates, as do most of the readings.  If I cannot be at home in my own skin, I have work to do.  And I have work to do.

I had to Google John Cage.  John Milton Cage (1912-1992) is an American composer and music theoretician.  The quote for today is from his Essay about Nothing, published in 1959, in a cadence like musical notation but in English deconstructed poetry form.  I think I remember this, kind of, from English at University.  Carlos Williams Carlos and something about a red wagon.

This lecture, however, is an answer -- of sorts -- kind of polemic, really (but through a composer's notation) of a number of questions which are apparently not important.  It is interesting to see visually, the text repeats and is broken.  You can see it here:  https://seansturm.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/john-cage-lecture-on-nothing.pdf

And the famous quote (reproduced above) is not the full sentence.  The full passage reads:

How different this form sense is from that which is bound up with memory:  themes and secondary themes; their struggle; their development; the climax; the recapitulation (which is the belief that one may own one's own home).  But actually, unlike the snail, we carry our homes within us, which enables us to fly or to stay -- to enjoy each.

How much richer it is in context.  And to see it as Cage meant it to be set on paper.  Always go to the source.  Always find your way home.

Blessed be.

Gentleness with Oneself

How shall we expect charity toward others, when we ae uncharitable to ourselves?  - Sir Thomas Browne

The injustice we do ourselves was aptly expressed by a member who said, "If someone treated me the way I treat myself, I'd sue."  While it may be true that I tend to be harder on myself than I am on others, in a larger sense, if I do not feel kindly towards myself, I cannot extend kindness to others.

I am allowed to make mistakes, and so are other people.  Errors can be pointed out and corrected without harsh measures or cruel words, without venomous self-recrimination.

These are the For Today writings for October 16th.  I am feeling a surge of gentle affection for myself this morning.  I am taking it easy and embracing my process of healing.

Blessed be.