I've been back in OA for almost two years now and my sponsor has relapsed twice on a sustained basis. The first time, we talked about it, and I learned quite a bit from seeing her process. This time, she has vanished - not entirely, but mostly. She hasn't been at meetings. She hasn't responded to my text.
Abandonment is one of the emotions that triggers me. I stand on my head to keep a relationship even when it is not good for me, sometimes. I am learning to let go more, seeing this clinging to relationships as a character defect of control.
I know how hard this disease is first hand. I do not have any blame or anger in my heart for my sponsor. I wish things were different but I accept that I likely have very little influence on how they go. I can pray for her. I can be supportive and reach out. But beyond that, there is nothing I can do.
It is vitally important that I do not let my focus hone in on other people and leave my own work undone. So I let go. I trust. I do my own program. And this level of self-protection and prioritization is relatively new for me. It is not selfish to want to heal myself. I deserve this attention and really it's the only thing I can reliably do. God grant me the erenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. That is my simple prayer.
Blessed be.
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