Justification for Bingeing is Insanely Insufficient

It occurs to me that my justifications for bingeing -- I'm upset, I just want the world to go away for a little while, I can't cope with my feelings, I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm depressed -- are insanely insufficient in light of the emotional and physical health consequences obesity causes me.  If the bingeing actually helped my mental state, well, then it would be a hard bargain to make, but it doesn't.  I used to think it does but really it doesn't help.  I feel worse after I binge, not better.

I'm reading in AA's Big Book, the chapter on "More about Alcoholism" and I find this passage helpful in the context of when I deliberately binge because I am upset or depressed:

In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like.  But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened.  We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be. 

Our behaviour is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking [who ends up with a broken arm and then two broken legs but persists in jay-walking nonetheless].  [Big Book, p.37]

Later, the Big Book talks about the "subtle insanity" just before taking the first drink.  In this period of premeditation the compulsive behaviour seems like a casual idea, innocuous, not likely to be harmful.  A couple of cocktails.  Some salty snacks.  A doughnut.  But 1 is too many and a 1000 is never enough.  I know this.  I have no defence once I pick up the binge food.  As the Big Book says:

...though I did raise a defence, it would one day give way because some trivial reason for having a drink.  Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all.  I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind.  I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots.  I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated.  I knew then.  It was a crushing blow. [Big Book, p. 42] 

What I know about neuroscience is once a brain is wired one way, with repeated behaviours over many years, it is very hard, if not impossible to rewire it.  So if this science is true, my will power and intellect is not going to be a allay in stopping my compulsive eating.  I need something more to help.  And that's where the concept of my Higher Power comes in. And weirdly, that's what I see when I keep reading!  The end of the chapter on page 43:

Once more:  the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defence against the first drink.  Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defence.  HIs defence must come from a Higher Power.

Blessed be.