Not Getting My Way: Resentment, Anger and Fear (yesterday, today and tomorrow)

Resentment is from 'not getting my way' yesterday.

Anger is not getting my way – today.

Fear is not getting my way tomorrow.

The ONLY day I can do anything about is TODAY.

One day at a time. 

So I inventory my resentments of yesterday and my fears of tomorrow.

I take swift action in Step 10 about my angers that arise today.

On grief, suffering, and humanity: "What Punishments of God are not Gifts?"

This moved me last night and I wanted to share – it’s from an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper and comedian Stephen Colbert...  Anderson Cooper’s Dad died when he was 10 (heart attack) and he lost his Mom in early June.  Stephen Colbert’s Dad and two of his brothers died in a plane crash when Stephen was 10 and his Mom died a few years ago too. 

It’s really clear in the interview that Anderson Cooper is still very much in grief and he is asking some pretty big questions that are personal, not part of his “newsman” persona.

The interview is here -- https://youtu.be/iZ_zajwFPDs -- this is the part that really moved me:

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Anderson Cooper: I’m not the person I meant to be. I’m not the person I started out to be (because of the grief / loss / trauma).

Stephen Colbert: But you are the person you were meant to be.

Anderson Cooper: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this is a warped version of ...

Stephen Colbert: So there’s another time line with a happier Anderson Cooper?

Anderson Cooper: Yeah! I mean no. There’s not, it doesn’t exist, an alternate universe but... but yes, I guess...

Stephen Colbert: But that’s what I mean about faith.

My experience and learning from the experience of my mother, what I read and what I experience in my particular faith, extremely imperfectly, admittedly, is that there isn’t another time. This is it.  And the bravest thing you can do is to accept with gratitude the world as it is and then, as Galdalf says, so too all people who are in such times.

Anderson Cooper: You went on to tell an interviewer that you have learned to love “the thing that I most wish had not happened.” You went on to say “what punishments of God are not gifts?” Do you really believe that?

Stephen Colbert: Yes. It is a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that. And I guess I’m either a Catholic or a Buddhist when I say that because I’ve heard that from both traditions.

But I didn’t learn it - that I was grateful for the thing I most wished didn’t happen - but I realized it. It’s an odd, guilty kind of feeling. I don’t want it to have happened. I wish it had not happened.

But, if you’re grateful for your life, which I think is a positive thing to do - not everybody is, and I’m not always - it’s the most positive thing to do, and you have to be grateful for all of it . You can’t pick and choose what you’re grateful for.

And then, so what do you get from loss? You get awareness of other people’s loss, which allows you to connect with that other person, which allows you to love more deeply, and to understand what it’s like to be a human being, if it’s true that all humans suffer.

So, at a young age I suffered something so that by the time I was in serious relationships in my life, with friends, or with my wife or with my children, is that I have some understanding that everyone is suffering and, however imperfectly, acknowledge that suffering, and to connect with them, to love them in a deep way... and that’s what I mean, it’s about the fullness of your humanity.

What’s the point of being here, being human, if you cannot be the most human you can be? I want to be the most human I can be. And that involves acknowledging, and ultimately being grateful for the things that I wish didn’t happen- because they gave me a gift.

and in the Christian tradition, that’s the gift of the sacrifice of Jesus:  that God suffers too.

❤

A more Involved Step 10 when the issue has sticky thoughts and feelings...

I'm wrestling with whether to continue with a weekly group, finding it not that helpful.  I had committed to see it through for 12 weeks, however, and have been going back and forth on whether it is the right thing for me to withdraw from the group. 

This is the wisdom from my sponsor, who shared her experience with finding weekly meetups with a friend no longer felt right either:

...  it was then I knew that I'd have to do a  quick  step 10 with GOD..I'd go into the quiet sacred space. (as I do every morning-aka step 11) and talk it over with GOD.. BUT  if the issue kept coming up in my mind.. and if I talked about it to anybody (that's when I knew I needed more work on the subject  when I give power to negative thoughts by giving them a voice)...

... then I'd have to write out my step 10, taking the guidelines from the Big Book, p.84:  "Dear God, I'm feeling these emotions (and I write every one out) and now I'm asking YOU to remove them," et cetera.

When I finish with the guide of p. 84,  I do a pro and con list...  I take a 8" x 11" piece of paper and write a pro column  and con column... and then fill it in.  What is the PRO if I stay there?  What is the CON if I leave?

I actually did this with a good old friend as well and found out that the con's outvoted the pro's by only ONE...  so I placed it in GOD'S hands...  and asked for a sign because I truly thought what a waste of time to meet with her once a week!   

And GOD DID DO what was necessary:   my friend started to have car trouble and couldn't make our weekly meeting.  Eventually, winter came and our time together was limited by severe weather...  Then summer came and she called to say, "it's too hot and I'm not going out today".  That was the end of our relationship... except for we did continue to meet twice a year, once for her birthday and once for mine. 

I had let go and let GOD handle it..

100 days and 6X Abstinence

I am 101 days in with rigorously working my program after slipping and sliding for a long time.  I never did get to a 6X size but I did get back to 3X.  I've released almost 30 pounds in 100 days through a slow and careful food plan, watching my macros of carbs to fat to protein carefully, keeping my blood sugar stable, and seeing my mood improve as a result.  This was all possible because I focused on Steps 1, 2 and 3 and then 10, 11 and 12 over and over.  I read and re read the Big Book pp.84-88 daily.  I read the passage on acceptance on p.417 so many times... until I stopped twisting the words around and knew it by heart.

My sponsor said at the beginning of working together, just over three months ago now, that absolutely rigorous honesty is required to work this program.  And I have taken her experience, strength and hope on board when my experience, strength or hope faltered.

She says Absolutely Honest Abstinence means no eXtras, no eXcesses, no eXcuses, no eXceptions, no eXpectations and no eXclusions (6 X's).

She also says the road to relapse is paved with deviations (which is practically saying the same thing).

I am reminded of the passage in the Big Book where it reads (p.58):  

Rarely have we seen someone fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

This.

Blessed be. 

Cravings when my food is clean are only thoughts...

Joe and Charlie write about how the phenomenon of addiction starts in the mind.  It is the thought that I need something to "help" me feel less irritable, restless and discontent.  The cravings only start once the substance is in our system physically.  Before that, it is just a thought.

So I was having some 'cravings' (really, they were thoughts) that I wanted ice cream, a hamburger, some pizza.  Some summer street food in the heat, in the plaza, with everybody else.  The normal eaters and the not normal eaters in their pre-recovery days.

But those are thoughts.  Thoughts that mask the feelings of "I'm lonely" and "I wish I was like everybody else".  And EVERYBODY, from Bill W to Joe and Charlie to my sponsor to me when I'm not being restless, irritable and discontent, says this delusion of being like a normal eater has to be set aside completely.  Smashed.

So why the thoughts when my food is clean?  It's just my will trying to drive the show into a ditch.

My sponsor says when these thoughts come, we first inventory our food.  If it's clean, then I inventory my thoughts, words, and actions.  No matter where these thoughts of abusing myself with food come from, I deal with the thoughts, the cravings in MY MIND.  I don't set my body up for the relentless cycle of being triggered into physical cravings.  It stops at only the thoughts.

Blessed be.

Prayer

My sponsor shared this process acronym of sorts for prayer:

PRAY
Pray... Peace... Purpose... Process...
Reconciliation... Repentance... Restoration...
Acceptance... Action... Act as if...
Yield...  YES to GOD and God's Will to be done in our lives.

Nice, eh?  I like it for those sticky things when I pray and still feel stuck.  

Blessed be.

Songs that Lift my Spirit and Help with Connection

Part of my Step 11 practice is to listen to songs that lift my spirit and help me connect with life, love, and my HP.

This beautiful sunny Canada Day morning, I'm listening to these:

Since I've Laid My Burden Down by Mississippi John Hurt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXEtNknolKY

Amen / This Little Light of Mine by Etta James

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu_Ebu7SimM

and reminding me how much I've learned from adding my sponsor's voice to my own lately:

One Voice by the Wailin' Jennys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-24qGCvo7A

Love and blessings.

And an update:  another OA-er shared this and I love it:

Be Still by the Fray
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vtp-p7qFI2I

Food Plan Documents

Click here

See also the March 2017 OA Sea to Sky newsletter article on food plans here.

Boundaries

Interested to read this lovely quote from Prentis Hemphill, the former Healing Justice director of Black Lives Matter, on boundaries:

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.- Prentis Hemphill

My sponsor is encouraging me to take a step back in my service positions and focus on my recovery.  Strong personal recovery is a service in itself.  I often find it easier to serve others before I serve my own needs and that leads to resentment.  It's unhealthy.

I see it in others too -- a busy life in service to others can be a front for not being willing to love ourselves enough to do our own work for ourselves.  There is an unchallenged shame in there;  feeling we are not deserving of recovery in our own right.

60 Seconds of Hope

From the blog of the NINET-IMH Lab at UBC (they treat major depression, among other mood disorders):

Sixty Seconds of Hope

I think we’re all sailors, navigating by the stars. Sometimes they’re hard to see. The sky’s overcast, the city’s too bright. The waves are rough and you have to fight just to stay afloat. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember why you sail at all. But there are moments, sometimes weeks, sometimes minutes, when the sea lies still. When the wind is fair and the air is bright. When the stars are out. And you stand on the bow and realize the beauty of it all. These are the moments we must remember. Because no matter how overcast the sky and cold the sea, the storm will always pass. When it does, and you stand up on shaky knees to peer over the horizon, maybe you’ll finally find land. 

And hey. You’re doing good.

Love love love it.

Quotes from the OA LA Birthday Party, 2019

A friend in my Intergroup went to the OA 59th Birthday Party in Los Angeles last weekend.  She shared her best "take away" quotes and they are worth absorbing!

...

"The first thing that goes through an addicted brain is, 'how can I get my way.' The first thing that goes through a recovered brain is, 'I should make an outreach call.'" 

"You must realize deep down that you don't get away with anything."

"Weight... body size... food... dealing with that (ie. using a food plan) is NOT the solution to our problem. The solution is the 12 Steps, which help me deal with the feelings that life brings up in me."

"My excuses kept me from OA for many years. Don't let your excuses keep you from Abstinence!"

"There comes a point in this process (usually right before surrender) where it's so uncomfortable and foreign that it feels like you're walking into a bonfire. You can walk through fire tonight or tomorrow morning, but eventually, you need to walk through that fire. Recovery is on the other side, and there's no other way to get to it."

"You can always feel free to test the food one more time to see if you can beat it – but you neverwill!"

What I've learned is that we are all newcomers until we have 10 years of continuous, back-to-back abstinence in Program."

"To eat my alcoholic foods is to die: the mind, soul, and spirit go first; the body catches up later."

"When I started doing what I was told, that's when Program and recovery really started happening at speed."

"The most sacred thing you will encounter today is another person."

"Is what I'm thinking right now MY thought or GOD'S thought?

"What I'm releasing is less important than what I'm releasing into."

"God, help me see this as you see this."

"Before Abstinence, I had no idea what it felt like to be imprisoned because I had no idea what it meant to be free."

"When it came to the Big Book, I had trouble identifying with the content until I considered this: do I think like Bill thinks? do I act like Bill acts? Do I eat like Bill drinks?"

"Don't put people on pedestals in Program; that's an unfair thing to do to anybody. We must remain right-sized and humble to recover!"

"I was taken to a place of willingness – and I was willing to be taken."

"In recovery, I don't have things I 'need to do;' instead, I have a new way of life."

"We're all lamps. And unless we're plugged into Program, we can't light up!"

"If you take issue with 'God', consider this: if you need to let go of something, does it really matter who catches it?"

"12 Step work is anything done in service to another fellow in Program."

"If you're feeling alone, isolated, and needing help, go to meetings and share where you're at so that the people who can help you can find you."

"I can use any story to justify going back to food because that how I'm wired. I can't trust my broken brain, therefore I don't make food decisions on my own."

"The first 90 days of abstinence is hard! It will be painful! But it will end! It's going to be a dog fight but you won't be alone!"

"Only an addict fights to the death to keep doing something that is killing them."