Hope is the risk that must be run

Hope is the risk that must be run. - Georges Bernanos

The quote this morning is from French novelist and soldier, Georges Bernanos (1888-1948) who also wrote about spiritual exhaustion.  For today, hope is the risk that must be run.  This.  I have hope or I wouldn't be in OA.

Another quote by George Bernanos that resonates with me this morning:

“But I shall give less thought to the future, I shall work in the present. I feel such work is within my power. For I only succeed in small things, and when I am tried by anxiety, I am bound to say it is the small joys that release me.”  

Blessed be.

Slow progress is still progress...

There is no fruit which is not bitter before it is ripe. -- Publilius Syrus*

Experience is not acquired without bruises and pain.  That's why I say I am grateful to be a compulsive overeater.  Without the disease, I would not know of Overeaters Anonymous and the twelve step program of recovery, which has been called a blueprint for a sane and happy life.

To wish for the rewards of growth without having to go through the growing pains is futile.  Avoidance of pain stops growth cold; and when growth stops, regression is next.  Recovery calls for going through each step, feeling all the feelings and having the patience to wait for results.

For today, I accept with gratitude whatever progress I am making, however small.

This.  I have been frustrated with my progress being slow.  Better some than none.  I am grateful for all that I have today.  Tomorrow will look after itself.

Blessed be.

*83-42 BCE, born a Syrian slave, freed and educated in Italy, famous for his proverbs and improvisation.  Famous too for the sayings, "a rolling stone gathers no moss", "it is better to learn late than never", and "no man is happy who does not think himself so".

Letting go of faults

When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them.  - Confucius

I did not deliberately choose my faults, but neither do I have to be afraid of letting them go.  I can establish what they are (I have many more faults than I am aware of) by taking steps four and five, and I can abandon them in steps six and seven.  What would any thinking person give for such simple, direct therapy.  And it doesn't cost a dime.

Do my faults include any of these:  sloth, bad temper, promiscuity, rudeness, dishonesty, child abuse, violence?  God, who loves me and want me to be free, will accept them all.

For today:  I need not be afraid to admit anything to God and to another person, under God's guidance.

Today feels hard.  I am struggling with my current state of health and I know I have to just accept what is.  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  So for today, I have been to the doctor and undergone painful treatment that does seem to help, long-term.  I have done a bit of service to my Intergroup.  I have reached out to my fellows.  I extended kindness to a friend.  And for things I cannot control, I made plans to ease the transition if and when I have to take control and make decisions.  Living my program as best I can.

Blessed be.

Peaceful mind, happier heart

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose. - Mary Wollstonecraft

I came to OA because I wanted to get well more than I wanted to eat.  That is the steady purpose that directs my life today.  I place freedom from compulsive overeating before everything else because I do not want to return to the life I had without it.  Before OA, the only tranquility I knew was to anaesthetize myself with food, an indulgence for which I paid dearly the rest of the time.  Nothing could save me from the mental and emotional anguish and confusion of being fat, feeling guilty, and hating myself for lack of control.

Today I am not confused about who I am and what I am doing.  I am a compulsive eater, relieved by the grace of God from the obsession, and recovering in this place I call home.

For today:  Staying aware of my purpose in living by the OA program is my true source of peace of mind.  Therefore it is my number one priority, and nothing -- no food, no circumstance, no person -- can tempt me to give it up.

This is the reading for October 31 in For Today.  It's almost 2 pm as I write this and I have finished the lunch I had planned for myself.  I have done more this morning than I have in weeks.  In fact, I have done more in the last 24 hours than I have for a long time.  I usually set my food plan the day before and send it to my food buddy (God love her).  Last night, I also set three small goals of things I wanted to get done today.  Some days, I have a hard time getting myself fed and through the shower with clean hair and clothes.  Depression really hurts. 

Today, however, I am blessed with a more peaceful mind and a happier heart.  When I read the quote from Mary Wollstonecraft*, I initially reacted negatively to the idea of tranquilizing my mind.  But a tranquil mind - that I can get behind whole heartedly.  The root word is one of peace and I now the difference now between seeking to anaesthetize myself with food and seeking a tranquil spirit through practicing my 12 Steps, being of service, and working my cognitive behaviour techniques, including meditation.

Just for today.  Blessed be.

* feminist, philosopher, writer, depressive.  English, 1759-1797.

Patience

Patience is a bitter plant, but it has a sweet fruit.  - German proverb

Waiting is one of the worst things to ask of a compulsive overeater.  If I don't see results immediately, I get discouraged.  In the days when I found one obsession with another, I dieted compulsively and jumped on the scale compulsively.  I could put up with any discomfort, any deprivation -- for varying lengths of time -- as long as I did not have to suffer a 'plateau'; to diet and lose no weight was intolerable.  Clearly, when something is intolerable, it is abandoned -- and so went every reducing scheme I ever tried.  Thank God I am not hear to diet and lose weight.

For today, I am in OA to turn my life around -- and I'm willing to wait.

As usual, the For Today reading is useful.  I am learning to have patience with myself, over and over.  It is so hard not to be rewarded for every little step I take with improved health, a more pleasing physique, a quieter more content spirit, and a less depressed mind.  But that is not how it works. 

I built up these defence mechanisms little by little over decades.  It is not realistic to think I can undo the damage or turn to more positive methods overnight.  Realistic thinking is not really my forte despite my considerable intellectual gifts.  When it comes to assessing my own being, I tend to be wildly optimistic (unrealistically so) or desperately pessimistic (again, unfairly so).  I practice, then, to be patient with myself and my progress.  One little slip isn't going to kill me.  One abstinent day doesn't fix everything.  But it doesn't hurt.

Blessed be.

In the moment

Only in a hut built for the moment can one live without fear. - Kamo no Chomei

Fear comes from projection.  My mind does not say, "This is a fine, pain-free, worry-free moment in which there is nothing to fear.  Therefore, enjoy it."  Instead, it leaps ahead, conjuring up all sorts of mishaps and calamities.

As difficult as it is to shed old habits, I keep remembering the relief and freedom and joy that came from the first time I tried abstaining one day at a time and not worrying about what would happen tomorrow.

For today, my life consists of single moments.  I occupy them one at a time, savouring the fullness of each, and find there is no room for fear.

Yesterday, I spent 1.8 hours at a counsellor on trauma.   And $110.  I cried.  My body has pain in there somewhere that just leaks out, over and over.  But as much as I was anxious, it was not fear.  Gentleness and pacing are two of the words she suggested I ponder this week as I practice holding space for my own healing.

Blessed be.

Friendship and when your sponsor relapses

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.  -- Aristotle

I've been back in OA for almost two years now and my sponsor has relapsed twice on a sustained basis.  The first time, we talked about it, and I learned quite a bit from seeing her process.  This time, she has vanished - not entirely, but mostly.  She hasn't been at meetings.  She hasn't responded to my text. 

Abandonment is one of the emotions that triggers me.  I stand on my head to keep a relationship even when it is not good for me, sometimes.  I am learning to let go more, seeing this clinging to relationships as a character defect of control. 

I know how hard this disease is first hand.  I do not have any blame or anger in my heart for my sponsor.  I wish things were different but I accept that I likely have very little influence on how they go.  I can pray for her.  I can be supportive and reach out.  But beyond that, there is nothing I can do.

It is vitally important that I do not let my focus hone in on other people and leave my own work undone.  So I let go.  I trust.  I do my own program.  And this level of self-protection and prioritization is relatively new for me.  It is not selfish to want to heal myself.  I deserve this attention and really it's the only thing I can reliably do.  God grant me the erenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  That is my simple prayer.

Blessed be.