I am serene this morning. I slept. I am warm and pleasantly sore from the gym. Yesterday, I had a lovely afternoon with my friend, B. Last night, I read about half of the Melody Beattie book on co-dependence. And I am feeling some peace now around my friend M's relapse.
I know M was acting out last night (he told me) and it was really bothering me -- to the point I felt sick. I didn't realize at first that was what was bothering me. I felt cold. My stomach hurt. I took my temperature twice - thinking I was running a fever (I wasn't). I wasn't sure about eating my dinner because I felt like vomiting. I contemplated going off plan with comfort food -- making some jello with pineapple as a compromise instead of the carbs I craved.
Now, I think all of those physical symptoms were emotional. I whispered the Serenity Prayer several times during the night. I talked to my sister on the phone. I had a cheeky e-mail exchange with B. I ate proper dinner as planned and felt better. I made a cup of tea instead of going out for ice cream. I read about codependence, apparently a common response to growing up with a dysfunctional family where one parent is passive in their addiction / depression / health issue and the other is a controlling caretaker. I don't want either role for myself. I am learning to look after myself, before I fret about others.
So this morning I am practicing the art of overlooking M's behaviour in favour of doing my own work. I know I cannot change him. I know it is not healthy for me to try. For my own sanity, I need to accept what works for me. I think it's the Buddhists who say, "before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."
Last night, I felt some pieces fall into place.
...a great feeling of peace descended upon me, intermingled with a feeling of being suffused with a quiet strength. I lay down on the bed and slept like a child. An hour later I awoke to a new world. Nothing had changed and yet everything had changed. The scales had dropped from my eyes, and I could see life in its proper perspective. I had tried to be the center of my own little world, whereas God was the center of a vast universe of which I was perhaps an essential, but a very tiny, part. [Big Book, p.251]
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