For Today - Learning to Use all my Energy and Spirit to Live

To be alive is Power
Existence in itself
Without a further function
Omnipotence enough.
- Emily Dickinson

I used to live as if I only deserved to be here if I was of use to someone else.  I would say I had intrinsic worth, as a human being, as a birthright.  But I don't think I lived that way. 
Today's reading includes the statement, "I need no terms or conditions to exercise the power of life.  All I have to do is live now.  It is enough."  My hold on my own power and life has not been omnipotent until recently - and I am still learning to live with my own sense of self, of power... 

To be alive is to be omnipotent.  Omnipotence = the quality of having unlimited power. 

When I looked up Epicurus, whose quote was in For Today on December 31st, there was discussion about his philosophy which focuses -- generally -- on the purpose of existence as the attainment of a happy, tranquil life, characterized by ataraxia (peace and freedom from fear) and aponia (the absence of pain).  This is achieved by living a self-sufficient life surrounded by friends.  Epicurus taught that the gods neither reward nor punish humans; rather the universe is infinite and eternal, with events in life ultimately based on the interactions of atoms moving in space.

The idea that there is no God to punish or reward human behaviour challenges the idea that God is omnipotent and involved in all events.  For if God is omnipotent, s/he must allow human suffering, be unable to prevent human suffering, or be unwilling to prevent suffering.  This is the Epicurean Paradox, which is described like this:

God either wishes to take away evils, and is unable; or He is able, and is unwilling; or He is neither willing nor able, or He is both willing and able.  If He is willing and unable, He is feeble, which is not in accordance with the character of God; if He is able and unwilling, He is envious, which is equally at variance with God; if He is neither willing nor able, He is both envious and feeble, and therefore not God; if He is both willing and able, which alone is suitable to God, from what source then are evils?  Or why does He not remove them? -- Lactantius

I turned from God the summer of 1984 when S. died and my minister explained this as unexplainable; as God's will.  It was deeply troubling answer.  If God sees the little sparrow fall, as the childhood hymn goes, why does He let it fall at all?  I was 13 years old and I could not accept either the randomness or the targeted by God (?) nature of my friend's death that hot summer night.  It is now, more than 30 years later, that I can see S.'s agency in being where he ought not have been, of adventuring, of taking risks, and paying the price.  He fell.  And God held all of us. 

My friend M is really struggling.  He is in a financial mess.  He is an emotional mess.  His physical health is compromised by a serious but treatable disorder.  I am practicing loving detachment for nothing I do helps him.  I think he needs to find his own sense of peace with life. 

I am learning that my omnipotence is for my life only -- not others.  I can only exercise power within my sphere, not for others.  I can help but am I really helping if I prop someone up who is fully capable themselves?  I had a very useful exchange with my OA friend J. on this:

Me:  Oh, I'm so sad.  My good friend in another program is really struggling with life.  And I want to fix it all for him but I can't and he needs to do it for himself.  And it is heartbreaking to watch.  But I'm not going to eat over it.  Hope your morning has gone well. Hugs.  

J.:  That is a tough one. I guess the best thing we can hope for is that they hit their bottom with a painful enough "thump" that it helps them walk into and through the fear of recovery/work/change/admitting failure ...all the things we need to surrender to in order to find humility and to have our egos smashed. I've watched a lot of people sink and swim in aa and it's those who came so close to death that are the ones who have transformed the most dramatically. Knowing this helps me to not want to mess with an addict's decent even tho the risk of death is there.  

Me:  Thanks. I've been here once before with another friend and once previously with this one - and you're right. It's just hard.  I want to intervene and I know it's not the right thing to do. 

J.:  It's really important in early recovery (where we are) to live in the solution and not the problem. Sometimes it is best to remove ourselves from those who are living in the problem. We can be there for them when they are ready to get help- and sometimes our stepping back can inspire a desire to stop losing things in life due to addiction- but it's more common than not if we support someone who is still choosing to act out we go out ourselves.  Protecting your abstinence today brings you one day closer to helping a woman who needs your help down the road.  ❤ 

Me:  Thanks.  Yes.  Part of me is rationalizing that he's not acting out per se but his depression is immobilizing him.  But really it's all the same thing. And he's probably acting out and I just don't know.  I'm choosing to protect myself.  If and when he asks for specific help from me, then I can re look at it.  Otherwise I feel I'm just enabling him and getting in the way of his bottom.  He needs to stop digging himself a deeper hole.  Sigh.  Thanks for this.

❤

And some hours later, M. texted me to apologize for lashing out on the phone.  His stock phrase when he is this upset is that he is "not ready for solutions."  I have tried to encourage, cajole, and reason him into halting his fall, arresting his descent.  But it doesn't work.  And it's not my fall.  I thought long and hard about how to respond.  And this is what I sent in response to his apology:

It's understandable.  You're under a lot of stress.  And I'm not offended.  I am upset with worry for you.  I am your friend, a good one, I hope.  And you know I am very fond of you.  At the same time, I will be a lousy friend if I get in the way of you hitting bottom.  This life of yours is not working.  I know you know that. 

And I fear you won't find what you need inside yourself if you don't confront the fear, the crap, the past, whatever it is that is keeping you stuck.  And I can say this because it's been my journey too. 

So take the time you need to triage.  And then to rage.  To pray.  Whatever you need to do.  Just please try to be safe.  

And when you're done raging, make a plan, a concrete plan with desired outcomes, time frames, step by step, with contingencies built in - a real honest plan to recover your life, your health, physical and mental, your financial security, your legal problems, your 12 step recovery, the whole thing.

And when you have this real plan, if I can help with something concrete and specific, I will.  I will also help you troubleshoot your plan. But the plan has to be yours.  I'm done coming up with solutions.  They won't work unless they come from your heart. 

You can make this your bottom, hit the ground with a decisive thump and then start to put together a plan for recovering your life.  If you don't believe you can do this, you can borrow my faith in you until you believe it too. 

Be mad at me for saying this if you have to be.  It's ok, I can take it.  I think I speak the truth, however.  You have to do this for you.

Oh, God I hope I am doing the right thing.  I am thankful that my past has brought me to this point where I can choose life, for me, and respect M.'s autonomy, his own omnipotence, in his life.