When I am honest with myself, I do better and feel better. When I am angry, resentful, and willful, I am in denial about my own agency, my own abilities. I feel lousy, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can see this when I stop and honestly assess my behaviour, my emotions.
I remember being disciplined around cleaning up my space. I had a choice: I could diligently work at tidying up for 30 minutes and then take a 10 minute break to do something I enjoyed. Or I could stand in the corner for the 30 minutes instead, doing nothing but stare at the wall. Wilful fool that I was, I chose the corner.
Thirty minutes is an endless time to stand still and do nothing. The first amount of time I was resentful, wilful, angry, and frustrated. Interestingly, I wasn't willing to be completely disobedient and leave the corner. But my heart was hard and I was angry at having only two choices, each equally horrible (in my mind). I stood there and fumed.
After 30 minutes, I left the corner and read. When the 10 minutes was up, I wrestled with myself but ended up back in the corner, feeling resentful but also a little bit ashamed. Something happened part way through - my feelings started to change from bitterly resentful to resigned. Eventually, how I felt started to shift again and I started to feel ashamed. Why was I so obstinate? Obviously it would be a better use of my time to tidy up instead of stand in the corner. I was just delaying the inevitable. It wasn't like standing in the corner meant I wasn't going to have to clean up my room later. There was no trade-off. I could be punished for my behaviour and still have to do my work. Or I could just do my work. Work that was to my benefit. Duh.
What I don't know is why I take the hard route so often? Now, as I honestly reflect on my eating behaviours, I am thoughtful and make good decisions a lot of the time. Then, I get wilful and angry and upset and I make a poor choice to go off the rails, bingeing. I know the sugar and fat combination is deadly for me. I also know it gives me a dopamine rush that temporarily makes me feel much better emotionally. And then it really doesn't. I am left with still having to do the work but from a heavier, sicker, more unhappy body and feeling ashamed.
Wilful. Intentional. Deliberate. Having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects.If I am honest, my willingness to surrender is inconsistent. I am happier and healthier if I am wholeheartedly in recovery. But I still struggle with this choice. What beliefs or thoughts underlie this, this modern equivalent of choosing the corner instead of doing the work that benefits me? I am broken. The struggle is not worth it. It is not safe to be abstinent. I can't live with how bad I feel so I eat. My body size protects me. And this is seriously f*cked up thinking. Broken? Really? What struggle? I simply surrender. Nothing but good things have happened when I am abstinent: the danger I feel is not real. My body size is killing me, not protecting me.
It really is simple. Do the work. Embrace the process. Stop punishing myself. Surrender.
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