This morning I am overwhelmed with the disarray in my house. Stuff from the renovations hasn't been put back yet. Stuff from the flood has been shoved out of the way. There is a massive blue machine with a clear tube coming out of it humming aggressively, sucking the water out of the air. Its plastic tube is taped to the floor and runs all the way down the hall, into the bathroom, and drains into my new tub. Which I have not been able to use yet.
Everything has a skim of drywall dust and God know what else on it. So it is loud, humid, messy and gritty in here. The cat hates it and she wanders around, looking at the chaos and meows plaintively. I just want to scream. Or cry. The stress of the mess and having strangers come in to view damage, take photographs, to talk about what they want to do in here -- it makes me feel so tense I want to throw up. Oh, and I may be underinsured. I'm already out a $1000 for my deductible.
My sponsor said floors and phones (my cell phone also turned into a brick on Saturday) can be replaced and that I can't. Work my program. Look after myself. I kind of just want to stay in bed. Except I have nightmares and wake up sweating and curiously unable to move to make myself more comfortable.
My weight is up. I am not eating to plan since the flood. When I read the entry in For Today I agree but feel hopeless. The prayer for today:
For today: I let no one - including myself - try to shame me into changing something about myself I wish were different. I pray to be relieved of guilt and self-hate, and to accept and like myself exactly as I am. That is where I can begin to change.So just for today. I am going to ignore the chaos this morning. Make a proper breakfast. Go to the gym. Then reassess. The insurance adjuster and contractor come at 3 pm. So what. I'm sure they have dealt with worse.
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