For Today - Measuring Progress by Peace of Mind

The process of changing a life-style is more important than reaching a goal or measuring a performance.  - Theodore Isaac Rubin

My mind is starting to clear now that I have a week's abstinence from compulsive food behaviours.  I really believe that excess food - especially sugar, fat, refined flour - clouds my thinking and disconnects me from my feelings.  Bingeing takes me further from where I would like to be emotionally and spiritually.  It is also hell on my body.

In Bill's Story in the Big Book, Bill talks about his friend who suggested Bill uncover his own conception of God; a Higher Power that works for Bill.  In taking this in, Bill observes his friend "was on a different footing.  His roots grasped a new soil." [Big Book, p.12].  As do mine.  When I am making positive changes, I feel grounded, connected, even whole with the Universe. 

Yesterday, I realized that I had surrendered my compulsive food behaviours to my Higher Power.  Not consistently - I am still learning as my days of abstinence over the last six months attest - but right now.  For today.  But what about the rest of my pain?  I cry and I don't know why a lot of the time. What if I give that to God too? 

The Step Three Prayer asks God to take away my difficulties.  It doesn't say take away my food compulsions.  My difficulties.  All of them.  And so I pray, with a better understanding of what I am asking for

Then the Big Book continues saying asking for God's help is only the beginning:

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning. ... Though our decision [to turn our difficulties over to God] was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.  Our [compulsive food behaviour] was but a symptom."  [Big Book, pp.63-64] 

Now I have done a strenuous Step 4 inventory with my sponsor last year.  What this didn't touch, however, was my deep sense of being broken somehow.  I don't understand the source of this immense pain and yet I feel the effect acutely. 

The therapist on Monday asked me to think about what I hoped to achieve in the program.  I hope to consistently give over this pain until I can live with it, happy, joyful and free.  Until it no longer haunts me, dragging me in to the abyss of depression and compulsive binge eating.  I hope to regain my physical self -- although that will be a happy by-product of emotional and spiritual strength.  It is as the author of "A Vision of Recovery" writes in the Big Book:

I now understand that the spiritual malady should be my main concern and that the more faith I have, the fewer problems I will have.  Today I have more faith than I ever had, and as my faith grows, my fears lessen. [Big Book, p.499]

Blessed.