Open Wide to What You Want

open wide.
give your desires words, out loud words.
tenderly gaze of the eye to eye.
expose your craving any way you must,
under a blanket or backed by a rented band.
reveal your intentions, clean.
stand there, vulnerable, waiting.
describe your dream, in detail.
clarify what you're afraid of and give faith to the opposite.
engage every cell in fiercely wishing:
to be seen, to be graduated, adored, valued, validated, met.
the moment holds it all.  give it then and there.
even if it didn't work out before, or you're not sure what will come out of you to make for something new.
(you can't be sure.)
blow off the past.
ask for what you want.
unzip the casing of your personality and let that inner layer feel the air.  smart warm life.
do it front of another being.
this is terrifying relief:
to merge
out in front
melting edges
contributing
punctuations of ecstasy
everyday happiness deepening
we know.
pulse open.  open.  open.
you will get hurt.  shattered -- guaranteed.
a glance will cut.  denial will bruise, rejection will fracture.
you'll cry.  clenched.  you'll be infuriated.  you may choose to walk away - agonized.
leave, quit.  swing back.  shoot a dart of defence.
you'll regret it -- more or less.
if you stay there, closed down 'round your core, then you'll never leave the house feeling like yourself.
you'll pad your soul with stuff destined for landfills.
piles of dislike and complaints will heave between you and bliss.
(bliss is possible.  we know.)
itchy. tight.  foggy.  this happens when the heart is veiled.
nothing will ever be quite right, day after day.
pulse back open.
do it to be it.
lean toward.
worship your precious impulses.
focus to expansion
this once.
open
up
any
way
you
can.

(by Danielle Laporte)

Love Lift Us Up

It's New Year's Eve Day and I am alone.  And I will be alone tonight.  And tomorrow.  This is nothing new.  And it hurts like it always has.  I saw a sad movie with a friend last night and cried during and after.  Back at home, sitting on my couch, his arms around me, I cried.  It's like you are lost, he said.  Yes.  I am trying to find my footing, my place, my groundedness but I haven't yet.

It's snowing outside, the house is chilly, and I'm listening to music.  Tears fall, like the sadness just has to leach out.  I cannot contain my feelings and so I am surrendering to how I feel.  It's just the way it is right now and it will pass.  Or not. 

Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.

Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world, few hearts survive
All I know is the way I feel
When it's real, I keep it alive

The road is long, there are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

Some hang on to "used to be"
Live their lives, looking behind
All we have is here and now
All our life, out there to find

The road is long, there are mountains in our way,
But we climb them a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

Time goes by
No time to cry
Life's you and I
Alive, today

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

-lyrics by Joe Cocker

Blessed be.

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This morning's reading in Voices of Recovery is focused on the Serenity Prayer.  I find this such a useful, grounding prayer.  The reading too is very helpful:

I was spending most of my energy on things I could not change, worrying, fretting, and trying to make them come out 'my' way.  Meanwhile, I was ignoring things that I could change, spinning my wheels where they did the least good.  No wonder I felt so much stress and self-loathing.

Now, when I find myself troubled by an issue or situation, I think about it while I say the Serenity Prayer.  If it is something I can change, I think of the steps I can take to begin to change, and I pray for the willingness to take action.  If it is something I cannot change, I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for the willingness to accept it.  This exercise brings serenity to my life and helps me feel God's presence.

Yes.  This.  I am amazed when I look back on my actions to see how much of my energy is wasted and how I could do things that would be useful instead.  Serenity, courage, and wisdom.  I am learning these.

Blessed be.

Just being quiet

I read the daily readings tonight.  I have had a quiet day.  Quiet and peaceful. 

Blessed be.

Seeking

I turned to the reader Voices of Recovery this morning for my daily reading.  Today's entry reads:

...I would if I could, my friend, but -- as it is for me -- the problem is within... I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why I feel as I do about myself. - For Today, p.277

Which is the For Today reading for October 3rd.  The entire passage provides more context:

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. - Francois de la Rochefoucauld. 

Surely something, someone can fix me.  A little this, a little that, a new combination, a new person or place, a new goal.  Can you fix me?  The question, in a thousand different guises, is still asked.  The wise person answers, "I would if I could, my friend, but -- as it is for me -- the problem is within."  It is not the weather, the dog, the neighbours, my house, my spouse or lack of spouse, my job or lack of one; it is within me.  Nothing on the outside changes that.  When I am feeling bad about myself, I can put the blame on anything and everything.  When I am feeling good about myself, I accept all things that make up my life on the outside. 

For today:  I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why I feel as I do about myself.

I have a negativity bias.  I assume the worst about myself.  I am working on that and changing my core belief.   I have lived with the core belief that I am damaged for most of my life.  I am not sure where that comes from although I have some suspicions.  For today, I am working on changing my core belief to I am capable of healing.  The word "whole" is resonating with me.  I want to feel whole.

Blessed be.

Life was Meant to be Lived

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.  - Eleanor Roosevelt

The reading today is timely - I am pondering what my 'bucket list' could be to help me make my life bigger, more joyous, more full of wonder.  The reading says:

Meeting life head-on has the great virtue of allowing me to see everything, to know in the instant how best to proceed -- and then go ahead and do it.  I am here for the purpose of living, which means putting all my God-given faculties to their fullest and best use.

Depression makes my life small, dark, and scared.  Living the 12 Steps makes me get out, connect, find unity, even laugh. 

Coming home last night from visiting family for Christmas, the road was slippery and filled in places with pooling water.  Big wet snow flakes splattered against the windshield and I had to concentrate to make sure I could see the road through all the grey, the wet, the cold.  I was saddened, starting to cry, at the emptiness I feel leaving my family, knowing I am going home to a lonely quiet apartment.  I realized that I cannot expect my family to substituted for the life I want - with a loving partner, connection, intimacy.  They love me and when I see them, I feel that love.  And when I get home, the cat is deliriously happy to see me, showing her affection with purring and cuddles, kneading and head butts.  I am loved.  I am just not always loved the way I would like to be.  Some of that I can do something about.  Some of it I can't - it is out of my control.  And when I realized this, I stopped crying, concentrated on my driving, and felt serenity.

Blessed be.

Acceptance

Furthermore, how shall we come to terms with seeming failure or success? Can we now accept and adjust to either without despair or pride? Can we accept poverty, sickness, loneliness, and bereavement with courage and serenity? Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us? AA 12&12, p. 112

This is my third Christmas off work due to major depression.  It has been a hard journey to lose my professional status, the work itself, my connections with clients and colleagues, and my certainty in what my daily work is.  However, I am coming to terms with this and finding new work I need to do.  Work I have put off for years.  Work on my most inner self.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." —James Baldwin

Blessed be.

Can I accept?

Furthermore, how shall we come to terms with seeming failure or success?  Can we now accept and adjust to either without despair or pride?  Can we accept poverty, sickness, loneliness, and bereavement with courage and serenity?  Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us?TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 112

Returning of the Light

"Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which  has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."  Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Into Action, pg.76

I subscribe to the daily emails from both AA and NA although I am a member of neither.  Their 12 step words work as well for me in OA as I hope they do for those in other programs.  It is Christmas Eve and I have been busy getting things ready, down to the car, readying the house to be away for a couple days.  I have to travel this morning and it seems like a lot of work.  But I know it will be worth it when I hug my sister's children hello.

Blessed be.

Whole

I am remembering all the things I have done to help myself feel whole to my very core.  I have taken three courses at the Hope Centre learning how to embrace my emotions, my self, and work with my emotional state of depression.  I have found a new family doctor.  I have done a pap smear (twice!) and a mammogram after reaching my mid 40s without doing either.  So I have focused on my health.  I have maintained several friendships.  I have kept an open channel with my family.  I have tried several new drugs for depression and endured the hope, the frustration, and then the pain of coming off them when they didn't work.  I tried to find a private counsellor for trauma and even though that was not a long term thing, it was still a bit helpful.  And I'm still here.  Still working my program.  Still hoping.

Blessed be.

Quietly and with a Calm Spirit

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.  Commend all to God and then be still and be at rest in His bosom. - St. Francis de Sales*

The reading for today it about inward peace.  It says:

Inward peace is not easily come by for a compulsive eater.  Stuffing down anxiety and fear with food gives an illusion of calm, but food as an anaesthetic has the shortest lifespan of all the addictive substances.

How, then, do I maintain inward peace?  The same way I remain abstinent -- by giving everything to God:  my fears, my worries, my life.  I abandon all efforts to control, to force life to conform to my will.  And I rest as peacefully as an infant in her mother's arms.

I am feeling pressured about the holidays.  Three presents I ordered by mail in November have yet to arrive.  I have almond brittle to make which is time consuming and requires precision or it will either burn or not set.  I have presents to wrap.  My organizing project is still in progress.  And I am having some health issues. 

At the same time, I am fortunate to have the resources to solve my present problems.  I can deal with the lost shipment.  I know how to make the brittle and have the tools I need to do it successfully.  I am further on my organization project than I have been for years.  And I have a doctor I can consult tomorrow for relief of my symptoms.  So I can turn this all over and be at peace.  I just have to keep going.  This is a program of action, after all.

*St. Francis de Sales is a French nobleman and priest, from the late 1400s to 1527.  He is the patron of writers and also the deaf for his love of books, language, and creation of an early sign language.  He believed in charity over penance.  That makes sense for my purposes today.

Blessed be.

Exuberance

The For Today quote is "Exuberance is beauty" by William Blake.

And the meditation for today is "I am not afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, nor to express my exuberance in whatever way occurs to me."

I think this is another way to embrace life.  Embrace wholeness.  Embrace feelings.  Be present.

All of these are good things in my recovery.  It is when I do not accept my feelings that I run into trouble.

Blessed be.

Deadly Procrastination

Looking at my OA and AA literature on procrastination:

We ate to sate the fears, the anxieties, the angers, the disappointments.  We ate to escape the pressures of our problems or the boredom of everyday life.  We procrastinated, we hid, and we ate. - OA 12&12, Step 1 

*** 

Any action, no matter how small, will help us to overcome deadly procrastination. - OA 12&12, Step 4

***

To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings - the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth.  It is not be accident that pride heads the procession.  For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress.  Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts.  When the object of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses.

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.  Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects.  Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seems to be realized while ours are not.  We eat, drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing we shall never have enough.  And with genuine alarm at the prospect of work, we stay lazy.  We loaf and procrastinate, or at best work grudgingly and under half steam.  These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build. - AA 12&12, Step 4

***

Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong.  Let's not talk prudence when practicing evasion.  - AA 12&12, Step 9

***

While gluttony is less than ruinous, we have a milder word for that too; we call it 'taking our comfort.'  We live in a world riddled with envy.  To a greater or less degree, everybody is infected with it.  From this defect we must surely get a warped yet definite satisfaction.  Else why would we consume such great amounts of time wishing for what we have not, rather than working for it, or angrily looking for attributes we shall never have, instead of adjusting to the fact, and acting it?  And how often we work hard with no better motive than to be secure and slothful later on -- only we call that 'retiring.'  Consider, too, our talents for procrastination, which is really sloth in five syllables.  Nearly anyone could submit a good list of such defects as these, and few of us would seriously think of giving them up, at least until they cause us excessive misery. - AA 12&12, Step 6

***

One thing I keep learning in various ways is how differently I can feel after taking one small action to change my circumstances.  Usually, when I am frozen and immobilized by fear, I think of 100 things I need to do, should do, or have to do.  Yet I do nothing and hate myself more.  Often someone else gently reminds me that I only need to do one thing to break the cycle.  I don't need to job five miles; a short walk around the block is a start to clearer thinking.  The house doesn't need to be spotless, but making the bed makes my life feel more manageable.  I might not be able to adhere to that 'perfect' food plan, but am I willing to stop eating right now?  It is the long view that overwhelms me.  If I remember to pray for the willingness to do one small thing, I am living evidence that mountains can be moved by results.  I pray to be willing to do something for my recovery today.  I pray to let go of the results and be willing to take action. - Voices of Recovery, June 3

***

I do not need to fear failure.  I need, rather, the peace of mind that comes with taking the action I have been putting off. - For Today, June 16

***

What if I examine myself for just one aspect of this day that seems out of balance?  Has procrastination disturbed my serenity?  Has something about my use of money been undermining my calm?  Has avoiding my Higher Power put a strain on me?  Where has today's chief discomfort been? 

It is a one-day-at-a-time program.

...

What bothered me so today need not bother me so much tomorrow, because I looked honestly at myself about it, with my Higher Power, tonight. - Voices of Recovery, October 28

Keep peace within myself

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others. - Thomas a Kempis

I am struggling with my frustration with a friend.  He is doing very little to help himself and letting me and another friend do an incredible amount of work to sort out a major multi-year problem with his financial records and taxes.  I wonder if I am being used.  I wonder if I am being of service.  I wonder if I am being judgmental around him shirking his civic duties. 

I feel on edge about it.  We are so close to getting this finished.  I resent how much energy and space this is taking up in my head.  My own work is undone.  And I ask a simple thing like would you be willing to feed my cat for a couple days and he would rather not.  I can easily copy without his help. 

But what does this say about our friendship that I extend myself over and over and he does not, not for himself, not for me?  I think he is not in a place where he can do anything differently.  That must be the case.  And his other friend and I have done more than normal friends would do to be of help because we care and because we both need to be needed. We spoke at length, this other friend of his and me, last night.  Our stories are quite similar in some respects.  But she's been bailing him out on this financial record keeping for more than 10 years.  When she flat out said no she wouldn't do the manual labour of organizing all the records this time, he asked me.  And now she's doing the book keeping, with a mixed heart, just as I am cajoling him into getting the missing records we need. 

He keeps saying I am being patronizing or controlling or making him feel like an idiot.  I think he is being an idiot about this.  He has no sense of urgency or planning to get the project done.  It is like his friend and I care more about the project than he does.  And maybe that's true?  Maybe he really doesn't care that he is wasting limited financial resources, struggling more than he has to, and foregoing financial benefits to which he is entitled.  I find that really hard to understand. 

I am trying to practice acceptance.  At the same time, I would like to see this project done.  It is disrupting my own sense of well being.  I think I need to let go.  It makes me cry.  I feel resentful, angry, frustrated.  I don't understand his way of thinking or being in the world.  I need to focus on my own well being.

Blessed be.

Believe that Life is Worth Living

Be not afraid of life.  Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. - William James

I have to think I have a belief that life is worth living or I would have acted on the desperate thoughts of wanting to end my life that depression brings from time to time.  It's not so much that I want to end my life but I am afraid of the dark relentless pain that racks my soul when the depression is at its worst.  It is enough to make thoughts of giving up seem appealing in the moment.

Fortunately, I am learning to be more brave, more mindful.  I remember more that these dark feelings of dread and despair do pass.  I can wait them out, like waiting for the weather to change.  Here, it can rain for months in the winter with no sunny day in between for reprieve.  I have learned to rejoice at the cloudy dry day even when I wish I could see the sun instead.  It is these small mercies, these small moments of grace, when I can accept what is, and see that things do change, even if slowly, that make it possible to continue on.

It reminds me of the mountain meditation by Jon Sabat-Zinn -- where we visualize the mountain, strong and firm, as the weather changes around us.  I found the script for that meditation so I am going to add it to the resource section for the days when it will help me to read it and meditate on its message.

Blessed be.

Shadow and Substance

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow - Aesop.

Today's reading reminds me that my recovery is spiritual first, and then physical recovery flows from that.  I have been feeling badly about my weight and -- well more accurately, I have been feeling bad about my physical condition.  I am still in pain from the car accident injuries, I tire very easily, and left to my own devices, I will sleep and eat carbohydrates. 

I was reminded, however, that my size is not so different than it was four years ago, when I wore a holiday top last night I hadn't worn for a couple years.  And my heart was feeling less depressed, less anxious, and less unworthy of going to a party than I did the first time I remember wearing the top. 

It is always fun to see the backstory to the little quotes that start off the For Today reading.  Today's quote is from Aesop, of Aesop's Fables fame.  It is the proverb which ends the story titled, "The Dog and the Shadow".  It reads:

It happened that a dog had found a piece of meat and was carrying it home in his mouth to eat it in peace. On his way back to his home, he occasioned to cross a wooden plank lying across a fast-running brook.  As he crossed the plank, he looked down and saw his own shadow reflected in the burbling water beneath. Thinking it was another dog with another piece of meat, he made up his mind to have that piece too. So, he made a snap at the shadow in the water, but as he opened his mouth the piece of meat fell out, dropped into the water, and was promptly swept away and never again seen.  Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.

Don’t let slip the things you have that are real and substantive in the pursuit of the ephemeral, the prospective, or the offhandedly promised.  My recovery is long term, every day, and real.  I do not need to chase quick fixes, magic potions or silver bullets.

Blessed be.

Grateful for my Survival Instincts

Nature does nothing uselessly.  - Aristotle

The For Today reading reminds me that I have adapted and re-adapted to ensure my survival.  Some of my coping mechanisms were necessary and now I can see they no longer serve me.  But they did serve me at one time -- they were essential, in fact, to my very survival.

The reading today is profound:

What does it take for any living thing to grow straight and true to itself?  And if survival is threatened or growth interfered with, what further measures are needed?

There is a natural force in all things that keep pushing to make them as true to the original plan as possible.

If compulsive overeating meant survival for me, it did indeed serve a useful purpose, and I am thankful it was a recourse that was open to me.  To regret what was necessary to save my life is to fail to appreciate the value of that life.

For today, I cannot regret my past, for it allowed me to endure to the present.

When I search for the full Aristotle quote, it is even better.  It reads, “Nature does nothing in vain. Therefore, it is imperative for persons to act in accordance with their nature and develop their latent talents, in order to be content and complete.”    

Blessed be.

Awe

The highest point a man can attain is not Knowledge, or Virtue, or Goodness, or Victory, but something even greater, more heroic and more despairing:  Sacred Awe!  - Nikos Kazantzakis

The reading For Today says one of the greatest blessings to hope for is the capacity for awe:  "to be filled with a sense of mingled wonder, gratitude and reverence for that awesome Power in each of us that heals us of suffering no human skill or medicine could touch, and turned around the most wretched of souls."

Blessed be.

Love is the theme of the day...

This morning, my inbox had the Just for Today message about romance and recovery.  And then the For Today quote this morning is "There is only one happiness in life:  to love and be loved" by George Sand (who was really the female French novelist Amantine-Lucile-Aurore Dupin).

And I cried.  I do not feel loved in the romantic sense.  I feel a familiarity kind of love from my family but it feels very surface.  I feel expendable, distanced, extra to their primary relationships as husbands/wives or, in the case of my sister, as a parent.

The advice is good, I'm sure, to be careful that romance doesn't cloud my program of recovery.  It starts with the statement that relationships can be a terribly painful area.  And it continues:

Love is like an elixir for some of us.  The excitement of a new lover, the intrigue of exploring intimacy, the sense of release we get from allowing ourselves to become vulnerable, —these are all powerful emotions.  But we can'’t forget that we have only a daily reprieve from our addiction.  Holding onto this daily reprieve must be the top priority in any recovering addict's life.

We can become too involved in our relationship.  We can neglect old friends and our sponsor in the process. Then, when things get difficult, we often feel that we can no longer reach out to those who helped us prior to our romantic involvement.  This belief can lay the groundwork for a relapse.  By consistently working our program and attending meetings, we ensure that we have a network of recovery, even when we’'re deep in a romance.

Our desire to be romantically involved is natural.  But we mustn’'t forget that, without our program, even the healthiest relationship will not guard us against the strength of our addiction.  Just for today:  In my desire for romance, I will not ignore my recovery.

And last week, I did exactly that.  I had someone message me interested in me sexually, I explored it, and when he turned out to be not a good match, I binged for three days.  His parting words were hurtful and I hurt myself over it.

The For Today reading adds that to love and feel loved is nothing less than to have a reverence for life.  When I binge, I throw my vitality away in my pain.  So just for today, I am choosing to revere my life.  It is an act of love for myself.  And if I start with me, who knows how far I can go!

Blessed be.

What do I bring to my recovery?

You find in solitude only what you take to it. - Juan Ramon Jimenez

If I force preconceived notions onto a problem, what can I learn?  To learn something new, I need an open mind, a trusting mind which can wander into places that once frightened me. 

Rather than suppress thoughts and feelings, it is better to give them a good airing, to look at them in the clear light of day.  Unattended, hidden feelings, like illusions once defeated me.  Today, I know that feelings cannot hurt me as long as I'm willing to look at them and see them for what they are.

For today:  What I bring to my moments of solitude, when I look inward at my feelings and attitudes, is self-honesty and openmindedness.

This is hard to do, I think.  To trust my mind can wander into places that frighten me.  I have tools:  I know how to ground myself, how to calm myself, how to hold myself.  The fear is real and yet unnecessary.  I am capable of healing myself.  The risk is not as great as I have thought it to be.

Blessings.

Growth and Patience: a new egg metaphor

We shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the eggs than by smashing it.  - Abraham Lincoln

I am tired and trying hard on some things, letting others slip.  I worry about my inconsistency and I feel lousy, physically lousy.  I am heavy again, really heavy, and I seem not to care.

Post script.  I do care.  I just have times of feeling lousy.  and then I pick myself back up and work my program.