For Today - Finding Comfort

Question 7 in the OA Slipping and Sliding reading and writing tool suggests looking at "distorted ideas" and to research the "before" thinking in OAII stories to identify my own distorted ideas.  It asks, "What were my thoughts before I indulged in that first compulsive bite?"

I thought I hated myself.  I thought I needed to escape how I felt.  I thought I deserved to suffer, to be punished, to put poison in my body.  I thought I could fill this empty space in my soul with food.  I thought if I binged, the world would go away for awhile and I would feel some peace.

And none of that is true.

For Today - I will forgive myself and move forward

I relapsed.  A little on Friday night.  And then a lot yesterday.  I'm doing some heavy emotional work and my coping mechanisms were inadequate.  Well, bingeing works but it is not one I want to rely on anymore.

So for today, I will forgive myself and move forward.  The answer to my relapse is not to cause me further distress  I am not to abuse myself, berate myself, and tell myself I am a horrible human being, who is unable to cope.  I made a mistake and today, I keep going in the direction I want, the direction my best self, my Higher Power, wants.

I was at the last reading for question 6 of the OA Slipping and Sliding relapse reading and writing tool when I let up on my program just a little.  I don't think I can let up - the risk of relapse is too great.  So that was a mistake.  I'm allowed to make mistake.  I just need to learn from them.  So lesson learned:  I need to do my OA program reading and writing.  It strengthens my program and my recovery.

So the reading for today is A Disease of the Spirit which is appendix C of the OAII.  As usual, it has some passages that resonate loudly:

A holy person is one whose body, mind and spirit share an equality that was (and is) the intention of plan of God for all.  Such a person takes his or her place within the community with ease and grace, motivated by a deep and abiding sense of thanksgiving.  Such individuals become creative and constructive, not only with the family circle or community but in the arts and sciences.  Their creative energies are not blocked by shame, guilt, self-pity and hate, nor by the facades of arrogance, aggressiveness, and uncaring attitudes. [OAII, p. 243]

Oh, this.  I want this.  I sometimes have this.  And sometimes I am so filled with self-loathing and shame that I have none of this.  The balance is not there - I ricochet from blessed to self-hatred like a wind storm batters leaves off the trees.  Some fall, and so do I.  Some stay, and so do I.  But all leaves must come down in time to allow for new growth.  And I have stifled myself with my shame.

The reading continues to discuss what happens to the Spirit with excess food.

Those who are prone to stuff themselves with food that makes their bodies unsightly are refusing the food that satisfies and soothes the unhappy soul within.  Have they said, "I don't deserve anything good" for such a long time that they are literally putting their heels on that source of love that alone can bring peace?  Or have they become so discouraged or so angry that they deny even the existence of love, let alone God? [OAII, pp. 243-244]

Sometimes this is me.  Sometimes my aloneness overwhelms my reason and my heart breaks.  My feelings overwhelm me like a tsunami and I pick up the food.  "Like a mighty flood, [I] feel swamped again by that compulsion that once all but destroyed [my] life" [OAII, p. 245].  But food doesn't patch me up.  It patches over the hurt, for such a short time, then leaves scars all over my body and my spirit.   

When my spirituality is strong, the food is not.  I love and I receive love.  I am interested in others and in creative things.  I notice beauty around me.  I breathe easily and deeply.  I sleep and wake well rested.  This is the Cloud Nine I've heard about.  I've been there and lost it.  The reading today says this about the process:

You are walking on Cloud Nine, only to be tripped up by pride and even a tinge of complacency or arrogance.  The power you envied in others is now yours.  You must learn to use it without losing your way again. 

Sometimes this experience strands us on a stagnant, arid plateau.  You may see someone else maturing more rapidly than you.  Disillusionment and standstill can result.  There is at this crossroads a signpost you cannot miss.  "Go deeper with others and with God."... 

But now that your body is no longer your master; your mind is beginning to think clearly; and your soul is fed, nurtured and functioning, you can reconsider those other sources of soul food.  ...  It is a journey that leads straight out of self-made prisons and limitations into green pastures where we find many a table spread with wholesome food and a cup that overflows. [OAII, pp. 246, 247]

and at this table we are surrounded by people who love us and who we love.  We are no longer alone.

Blessed be.

For Today - acknowledging secrets to myself

The For Today reading from NA was on secrets, honesty and recovery:

How many times have we heard it said that we are only as sick as our secrets?  While many members choose not to use meetings to share the intimate details of their lives, it is important that we each discover what works best for us.  What about those behaviors we have carried into our recovery that, if discovered, would cause us shame?  How much are we comfortable disclosing, and to whom?  If we are uncomfortable sharing some details of our lives in meetings, to whom do we turn?

We have found the answer to these questions in sponsorship.  Although a relationship with a sponsor takes time to build, it is important that we come to trust our sponsor enough to be completely honest.  Our defects only have power as long as they stay hidden.  If we want to be free of those defects, we must uncover them.  Secrets are only secrets until we share them with another human being.

Today, I confronted some of the why of my bingeing, my distress, my compulsive hiding of hurts.  It was unbelievably hard, I resisted the feelings, I resisted putting them into words, I hated the whole idea of saying it outloud.  I was not out of my abstinence but I was struggling, I was not making great choices, and this is the harbinger of me relapsing.  So I listened very carefully to my heart, my tears, my fear.  And this is what came:

Why am I deviating from health inducing steps?  Because I don't deserve to be looked after properly.

What behaviour am I displaying?  Self hatred.

What strategy or pattern am I replaying?  Rejecting myself before other people can.

What am I trying to accomplish by deviating from that which helps me find a healthy way of life?  I'm punishing myself with food for not being loved or loveable.

I am a worthy human being who will be treated with dignity and due respect.  Starting with me.

Blessed be.

For Today - experimenting with affirmations

I am experimenting with affirmations as a form of meditation:

I am a worthy human being.  I am a woman who deserves to be treated with dignity and due respect.  I will not undermine my self worth and call myself demeaning words.  I will hold myself to a higher standard.

A healthy life is worth the effort. A healthy life is a reward in itself. I will not sabotage my capability to achieve worthy life goals.  I will take all action and efforts to hydrate and eat properly.

And a very simple breathing meditation:  I am loved (breath in); I love (breath out).

Blessed be on a slightly wobbly but abstinent day 14.

What I learned about letting feelings in yesterday, For Today

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

~ Erica Jong

For Today - Hard is OK

Hard is okay. It means something is important to you. Stop and listen to learn what that is.

For Today - Wounds

When we clean a wound it hurts. It's necessary, for our own good, but it still hurts. And then we heal.

For Today - A Disease of the Body, Mind and Spirit

I'm continuing with question six on the Slipping and Sliding reading and writing exercise.  I read Appendix B of the OAII book, an essay called "Disease of the Body" by an American medical doctor, Peter Lindner.

The underlying proposition in question six is the idea that "my main problem as a compulsive eater is in my mind rather than in my body."

It's pretty clear from Dr. Lindner's description of what he observed in the 1970s in OA in the United States that OA in Canada in 2016 continues along the same strengths and patterns.  I wish more physicians would investigate OA rather than simply counsel eating less, moving more, over and over, and when that doesn't work, anti-depressants, and when that doesn't work, bariatric surgery.  And when that doesn't work -- well, I've met more than a couple failed bariatric surgery patients in OA, desperate and full of self-loathing that their disease caused them to have major surgery on their digestive systems.

Dr. Lindner talks about surrendering and the process of finding comfort and support in accepting and depending on a power greater than ourselves.  He writes (OAII, p.237):

Psychologically, the obese individual is helped to attain a sense of the reality and nearness of a greater power which replaces one's egocentric nature.  ... Hence, one no longer needs to maintain a defiant individuality but can live in peace and harmony with the environment, sharing and participating freely, especially with other members of the group.  ... The obese individual no longer defies, but accepts help, guidance, and control from the outside.  As OA members relinquish their negative, aggressive feelings towards themselves and toward life, they find themselves overwhelmed by positive feelings of love, friendliness, tranquility and a pervading contentment.

Yep.  That's right.  And the more I can maintain my willingness, my surrender, my wholeness in spirituality, the more positive feelings I have. 

He acknowledges that slips do happen.  But in OA we can be honest about our struggles, our relapses, our mistakes and we are "neither judged nor scolded" (OAII, p. 240).  Part of this process is restoring faith in ourselves and in others. 

I have been working with ideas of cognitive behavioural therapy -- the idea that if we slow down our thoughts, especially automatic or default thoughts.  Then, take a good look at how they make us feel, consider what thoughts run "hot" in our emotions, and then assess the evidence, for and against, the validity of that hot thought, we may be able to start to change negative thoughts over time.  In turn, this improves our mood.  It's hard to do. 

CBT teaches that these automatic thoughts tend to share certain characteristics and in recognizing those traits, we can start to challenge the thoughts.  The types of automatic thoughts that lead to bad emotions include:

• should statements:  I shouldn't have done that; I've got no right to feel that way;  I shouldn't feel so sad, this is crazy, what the hell is wrong with me?
• labelling:  He's a SOB (maybe, maybe not); I'm stupid; I'll probably make a fool of myself;
• mind reading:  obviously my friend didn't call me back today because I'm not important to him;  she is only being nice to me as a favour to my father;
• blaming:  this is entirely my fault; if she had only done x, I wouldn't be so angry;
• all or nothing thinking:  nothing ever goes right for me; I always have too much to do;
• fortune telling:  I'm sure I'll screw up, I never keep weight off;
• emotional reasoning:  I feel really scared so this airplane must not be safe.

In his OAII essay, "Disease of the Body" Dr. Lindner indirectly references CBT and applies it to OA.  He writes (p. 240):

There is no other organization, lay or professional, that has such a profound influence on the compulsive overeater's thinking; and after all, it is our thoughts that precede our emotions, and it is our emotions that make us eat inappropriately and become physically obese.  Recovery in OA is on all three levels.

Today is day 10.  It's been turbulent, upsetting, full of disturbed sleep, nightmares, tearful moments, and periods of exhaustion, headaches and panic.  But I am getting better.  Body, mind and spirit.

Blessed be.

For Today - In my Mind, Not Just My Body

I'm continuing with the questions on the OA Slipping and Sliding reading and writing tool for relapse.  Today, I looked at one part of question 6.

I read Appendix A of the OAII which is called "A Disease of the Mind" and considered the idea that "my main problem as a compulsive eater is in my mind rather than in my body."

This appendix is written by an American psychiatrist, Dr. William Rader, who specialized in drug abuse and alcoholism programs.  He examined compulsive overeating as a disease process identical to alcoholism and concluded compulsive overeating was indeed a disease and that treatment used for alcoholism was very successful in treating compulsive overeating as well. 

I loved how he wrote how the "remarkable thing about OA" is that people function better than they ever have in their lives after recovery.  Dr. Rader wrote (OAII, p.230):

With any other disease, you're lucky to get back to where you were  If you have a heart attack, for example, you're fortunate to get your heart to function as well as it did before the attack.

With the compulsive overeater, not only do you get back to a normal weight, but more importantly, your life is changed and in a sense you're ahead of where you were before you became a compulsive overeater.  Now you have tools of feeling, touching, caring, loving, sharing, being honest with your family, and looking at life in an understanding way and not fighting it but going along with it.  Once you treat the illness, you have the potential for a more 'together' person than you were.

He then goes on to describe the problem as one of control over food or a preoccupation with controlling food intake to the point it interferes with your life.  Dr. Rader observes this usually starts as a defence mechanism early in life and gradually takes over:

What is probably true in most cases is that the individual develops the compulsive overeating mechanism for dealing with life at an early age and then starts to push problems down with the food.  Once people become compulsive overeaters, every aspect of their lives is affected.  Now they get into psychological physical, and environmental problems and start changing their lives, their friends, and their social structures.  All these changes are really caused by the compulsive overeating. [OAII, p.231]

When I think about my food compulsions, especially overeating and eating amounts and foods that make me feel ill, I know in my heart they are not driven by physical needs but emotional ones.  I binge so I feel nothing.  I binge until I feel sick, my stomach sore and distended, my blood sugar skyrocketing and then crashing, to punish myself, to make me feel anything but the troubling feelings I don't want to face. 

I think the cravings have some physical elements -- in my experience, food can elevate my mood, especially chocolate.  And I do crave sugary pastries, sweet bread with fresh butter, candy and chocolate, as well as savoury salty snacks.  But the impetus is not hunger, not physiological really.  It's emotional:  I want to comfort myself, to lose myself in a snuggly warm carbohydrate daze, where a nap is needed while my poor body processes all these excess calories and nutrient empty foods. 

So yes, I think the disease of compulsive overeating is in my mind.  My body works with this as best it can -- overloaded hormones, insulin in particular, the insults to my metabolic, digestive and excretory systems when I binge.  But the suffering is just as much emotional as physical.  I really can't separate the two.

Today was day 9 of abstinence...  Blessed be.

For Today - Plan of Eating

For today:  question #5 of the OA Slipping and Sliding is about plans of eating.  It asks:

What was my plan of eating in earlier efforts to work the program?  What is it now?  What changes do I need to make?

And it references a story in OAII where the author says her plan of eating initially was three 15 minute binges a day (It's Elementary, OAII, p.58).

My initial plan of eating was very complex, counting calories, ratios of protein/fat/carbohydrates, and limiting grams of sugar.  That was good in the sense I learned my body does better with more protein and fewer sugars.  It was not so good in that it was a diet mentality, reinforced by being weighed three times a week at the gym. It fed into my obsessive perfectionism and when the emotions got too much (as they inevitably did without a strong spiritual program) I would binge on sugary, fat, and salty things in large quantities until I felt sated, ill, and self hatred.

Now my plan of eating is three meals a day and one snack that I send to my food buddy the night before.  I try to have more protein, fewer simple carbs and sugars.  I have bread products much less than before.  And I have cut out my binge foods.  I have an honesty agreement with my food buddy that if I am making changes to my plan, I will text or email her first.

I also have added a lot more water.  I'm having 100 oz a day which is probably double what I was drinking before.  And I have 8 days of abstinence and the serenity that comes with not beating myself up with poor quality food.

Blessed be.

For Today - Willingness and Renewed Abstinence

I'm back with the reading and writing tool, Slipping and Sliding.  Today is question four and the question is this:

Read "He Never Let a Hot Doughnut Get Cold" in OAII, with special attention to the paragraph at the top of page 33.  What made the difference that brought the author to renewed abstinence?  How would I describe my willingness to accept that this program may be more difficult once my previous abstinence has eluded me?

The difference for the author was that he realized he had failed to work The Steps in all his affairs, he was only working the program on his gluttony.  Once he addressed his recovery to other character defects (in his case, he describes them as lust and grandiosity), he had renewed abstinence.  He also spent a 24 hour silent retreat reading the Big Book which kick-started his miracle of renewed abstinence.

I accept that this program is more difficult than I initially thought.  I thought if I turned my food over to my Higher Power and refrained from compulsive eating and food behaviours, I was abstinent.  Now, I realize I have to turn over my perfectionism and control in all aspects of my life, not just food. 

When I reflect on my life so far, I see that I have tried so hard (and failed so spectacularly) to be perfect.  The part of page 33 in the author's story that really resonates for me is where he says:

...I decided that the reason God had abandoned me was that my life wasn't 'clean' enough.  So I set out to clean it up, so He would again Bless me [with abstinence].  It didn't work.  In fact, I was even more miserable due to my failure at perfection.

God never abandoned me.  I just didn't understand.  And now I am learning to let go, in all my affairs.  And I have been blessed with six days of abstinence.  God willing, today will be day seven. 

No longer do I believe that my life (and my body) isn't clean enough for God.  That's not for me to say.  What is my job is to live as best I can and, recognizing my character defects, work on them in all my affairs and pray to my best self, my Higher Power, that they be removed on a daily basis.

Blessed be.

For Today - a little late but still really important going forward...

I had a lot of things to do yesterday, all of which support my abstinence and growth.  But I didn't manage to fit in my blog.  So here is what I read yesterday because I am glad to have its message now, after suffering with this issue in my past.

It is pretty much exactly what my food buddy said when I was struggling with a friend's relapse.  She learned this in her work in AA.  I've learned in it my work in OA.  So much wisdom in these 12 Step programs.

From the NA email, "Just For Today" (www.na.org) last night:

Carrying the message, not the addict

“They can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop.” Basic Text, p. 65 ––––=––––   Perhaps one of the most difficult truths we must face in our recovery is that we are as powerless over another’s addiction as we are over our own.  We may think that because we’ve had a spiritual awakening in our own lives we should be able to persuade another addict to find recovery.  But there are limits to what we can do to help another addict. We cannot force them to stop using.  We cannot give them the results of the steps or grow for them.  We cannot take away their loneliness or their pain.  There is nothing we can say to convince a scared addict to surrender the familiar misery of addiction for the frightening uncertainty of recovery.  We cannot jump inside other peoples’ skins, shift their goals, or decide for them what is best for them. However, if we refuse to try to exert this power over another’s addiction, we may help them.  They may grow if we allow them to face reality, painful though it may be.  They may become more productive, by their own definition, as long as we don’t try and do it for them.  They can become the authority on their own lives, provided we are only authorities on our own.  If we can accept all this, we can become what we were meant to be—carriers of the message, not the addict.   ––––=––––   Just for today:  I will accept that I am powerless not only over my own addiction but also over everyone else’s.  I will carry the message, not the addict.

For Today - doing what is best for me

I'm out of words today.  Tired, out of sorts, tearful.  I think I'm withdrawing from sugar and carbohydrates.  Headaches.  

But I'm persevering with my food plan. My sponsor and my food buddy have been hugely helpful.  And I've upped my hydration to 100 oz of plain water a day which is hard.  I didn't realize until researching it how little many of us drink and how much water is actually optimum for health.  I've even seen studies that suggest you should divide your weight in pounds in half and then drink that many ounces of plain water a day.  That's not right for me just now but something to think about.  The eight glasses a day (64 oz) may be ok if you weigh 120 lbs but if you weigh more....

For Today - growing up is hard

Infantile love follows the principle: I love because I am loved.  Mature love follows the principle:  I am loved because I love.  - Erich Fromm

Oh, this.  Yes.  The more unconditional my love, the happier I am.  As the reading says this morning in For Today, "I love you; whether you love me is beside the point."  It is such an accepting place to love because I love and for no other reason. 

One of my breakthrough emotional moments in the last year was realizing, all of a sudden, that as I send out my loving kindness meditation to all sentient beings, someone somewhere I don't even know is sending loving kindness back to me.  I'm one of the sentient beings who receives loving kindness.

Yesterday had all the potential to be wobbly - I was rejected for an exercise at the conference I'm attending in favour of a skinny girl, precisely because she was skinny and easier to work with as a result.  I understand that and the guy was kind about it.  But it still hurts.  How little sense it makes to binge because I'm too fat.  The craziness of this disease is remarkable (and so common it somehow doesn't seem crazy in the moment:  "of course I should eat chocolate to make myself feel better for being too fat").

So I choose to love simply because it feels good.  On this Valentine's Day, I send love to all beings, whether they love me or not!

Blessed be.

For Today - Love and Acceptance

Love is above all, the gift of oneself.  Jean Amouilh

My time is short this morning so I will take a break from the questions on the OA reading and writing tool, Slipping and Sliding, and reflect on the For Today reading.

I am learning to love wholly and without expectation or reservation.  Just like the way the members in OA have loved me.  The reading today says in order to give the gift of myself, I need to see how I have been avoiding it.  It suggests there are two ways of avoidance

1. to feel like I am worth nothing and that no one would want me;
2. to make it clear you should recognize how wise I am and follow my advice.

Wow.  I have lived in both of those ways of avoidance for decades.  They also read true with the co-dependency reading I have been doing lately.  And I have been actively working on changing both behaviours in my life.

The reading today says both the feeling of worthlessness and the feeling of superiority are protective shells:  neither is the best I can give of myself.

Giving of myself means giving quality time - listening to another without thinking of what I will say next; listening without giving advice; listening with energy and care; listening so intently as to forget myself. 

I am practicing this.  And I am a worthy work in progress. 

Blessed be.

For Today - This Disease is Devastating, Painful, and Fatal

Continuing with the OA relapse tool on Slipping and Sliding - I am on day 3 and question 3:

Do I have a devastating disease that leads me to return to food for comfort?  If so, how much pain does this cause me?  How could my disease kill me? 

I have a devastating disease that leads me to return to food, over and over, for comfort.  Yesterday was my second day of Grace, with abstinence.  I found I was tearful multiple times, crying twice, and sobbing once.  If I was bingeing for comfort, I would not have experienced these emotions.  And that would have been both more painful and more damaging to my sense of self and my body.

How much pain does this disease cause me?  More than I need.  More than I want.  Enough that I have considered suicide.  Enough that I have considered bariatric surgery.  Enough that I developed a major depression four or five times over my adult life.  Enough that I have isolated myself from family, from friends, from potential romantic partners, from an active, fulfilling life.  From my creativity.  Instead I have binged and I have over-slept.  Sometimes for days at a time.  The pain is horrendous.  No one deserves to feel this bad about themselves, their life, their past.  The pain has robbed me of years of my life and threatened my future.

When I read "Sink the Lollipop" in OAII as suggested, this resonates:

• she was sexually molested; I was sexually abused
• she was so wary of the male sex she was not able to trust men enough to want one for a husband; me too
• her escape was a "ship" she built of pure chocolate and it was her sanctuary for 39 years; my ship was built of chocolate, bread, crackers, and other junk food and it has been my sanctuary for about 31 years;
• she was angry with God; so was I
• she expected doctors to fix her; so did I
• she set impossible goals for herself and then binged and became depressed when she didn't reach them; me too
• she ventured out, vowing never to return to this dark place multiple times, only to return because it felt safe; yes, me too
• she isolated because no one could criticize her then; me too
• it became clear to her that death would come to claim her before she grew old; yes, I assumed this was true for me too.  She didn't care.  Me neither.  In fact, I wished to die so I could get out of my pain. 
• she went to OA for the first time and left in tears; me too.  She was a mess physically and emotionally; yes, I was too.
• she found an awesome sponsor, patient, wise, and comforting.  Me too (how lucky I am and how grateful)
• she is learning to take responsibility for herself; yes, me too - although fledgling and with a lot of help
• she is amazed at how much more she gets done in 24 hours; the living, the connecting, the writing, reading, the friendships.  Me too, when I act on life instead of reacting by isolating and bingeing
• she accepts she is human and a child of God.  That is an on-going struggle for me but I do too.
• she doesn't have to go back to her chocolate binge ship unless she chooses to.  Me neither.

My disease can kill me - slowly or quickly.  The slow painful death is being crushed with the health complications that come with being twice the size my body -- bones, muscles, lungs, everything - was designed to handle.  Or quickly, if the despair is unchecked and I suicide. 

I chose to focus on my recovery.  I choose to recover.  I choose life.

Blessed be.

For Today - Step 2, I knew my eating was out of control when...

I'm continuing with the questions of the Slipping and Sliding reading and writing tool from OA.  Today, I'm on question 2:

Read Step Two in the OA 12&12, especially pages 9-11.  How did I know that my eating was out of control?

I knew my eating was out of control:

1. when I was about 9 or 10 and I asked the family doctor about the size of my thighs but really I wanted to know why I was sneak-eating entire packages of soda crackers
2. when I would buy three or four ice cream sandwiches for lunch in middle school
3. when I would get up before everyone else and make two batches of buttered popcorn for my breakfast in middle school
4. when I would constantly portion the food in the bowls at the family dinner table to make sure I didn't take too much
5. with the benefit of hindsight:  when I didn't question why I felt hungry all the time despite eating
6. when I was about 23 and my weight hit 180 lbs for the first time
7. when I was about 24 and I had to get a "plus-sized" top for the first time
8. when I was 25 and the dressmaker had to remake the sleeves on my bride's-maid dress because my upper arms were so round, I couldn't get into the size 18 dress properly
9. when I have eaten food that was burnt
10. when I was a child and I snuck repeatedly into the freezer to eat food that was frozen with my Mom knowing (she must have?)
11. when I have eaten food I have dropped on the floor
12. when I drove around in circles, lost, looking for fast food in the middle of the night in a strange city
13. when I wouldn't pack for a visit to my parents' home without stocking my suitcase with chocolate bars
14. when I would sneak more than my share of treats from the office break room
15. when I would put the wrong code on the bulk food candy to reduce the price per pound (stealing)
16. when I continued to over eat as my weight ballooned up to 325
17. when I continued to over eat after spending countless hours and thousands of dollars to get my weight down to 244, only to go back up to 294
18. when stretch marks first started to appear on my tummy, thighs, breasts, upper arms
19. when I developed sleep apnea
20. when I avoid social gatherings and stay home to binge instead
21. when I tried a naturopathic doctor's cure only to develop an irregular heart beat and then realize the substance he prescribed was banned in the United States
22. when I felt humiliated at Weight Watchers at failing, over and over
23. when I would go shopping at night when there were fewer people to see what I put in my cart
24. when I would eat until I was ill or physically so uncomfortable I felt ill
25. when I felt suicidal over my weight, my appearance, my lack of social life
26. when I became celibate for 20 years because I didn't want anyone to see me naked
27. when I continued to suffer, more and more, but thought bingeing made me feel better
28. when I worked hard all day and then ate hard all night
29. when I lived in fear and anxiety instead of peace and contentment
30. when I left the curtains drawn, stopped answering the phone and hid
31. when I stopped opening my mail and hibernated
32. when I smiled and agreed with other people when I really wanted to say no
33. when I accepted abuse in my relationships because I didn't think I deserved any better or could find anyone better
34. when I focused on other people's problems and fixed them, leaving my own unattended to
35. when I over reacted to tiny things, leaving big things undone
36. when I let my house get so messy, it was not functional or even hygienic
37. when I was obsessively "busy" but got little done
38. when I would collapse sick after a period of heavy work or family time
39. when I realized I was depressed and did nothing about it for about a decade
40. when I avoid new things because I'm too fat, too uncoordinated, will look stupid, won't be good at
41. when I left a yoga class weeping because I was simply too fat to do the movement so I went to the store and binged
42. when I paid for a gym membership each month at two different gyms for years and used it maybe 10 times
43. when I signed up for a pilates class and didn't attend even one session
44. when the personal trainer I hired quit and I assumed it was because I was too fat to work with
45. when a family friend made the mistake of assuming I was the pregnant one when I was standing beside my six-month pregnant cousin
46. when I had to wear black pajama bottoms to the gym at first because no exercise wear was made in my size
47. ...

And I could go on.  Step 2 is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." 

Blessed be. 

For Today - Abstinence, Not Perfection

For Today, I am working the first question on the OA Reading and Writing Tool called "Been Slipping and Sliding?" [https://www.oa.org/pdfs/been_slipping_and_sliding.pdf]

I have felt broken and dirty for as long as I can remember.  My bingeing reflects my intention of making my body match my sense of internal disgust and shame through obesity and compulsive over eating.

I have had periods of abstinence but I relapse sooner or later.  I have been met with unconditional love and acceptance in OA and yet I have been so afraid of rejection, it is only in the last couple weeks that I have been reluctantly more honest about my bingeing with my sponsor and my food buddy.  I have not shared about it in a meeting for more than a month.  I’ve been back in OA for just over a year and I’m up almost 50 pounds, I feel lost, confused, and I am bingeing more than ever.

Being early in my recovery, I cannot safely rely on my own guidance for what is abstinence – I’m still too sick.  For me, just now, my abstinence is highly technical, relying on weighing food, counting grams of fat, protein and sugars, constantly monitoring what kind of calorie deficit I have.  It’s not working.  My OA friends have a simply abstinence – three healthy meals a day and a snack if needed.  And are they maintaining or working toward a healthy body weight.

I am not free to choose my abstinence.  There is basic body chemistry involved in losing weight.  There are chemical reactions I set up if I have my binge foods with too much sugar, simple carbohydrates and fat.  I need to have just enough willingness to try what my sponsor and food buddy do. 

As the guy who wrote "Abstinence, Not Perfection" (this morning’s essay) says:  “My abstinence is firmly anchored in my First Step and in refusing participation in the self-abuse that almost killed me” (OAII, p. 46).  He continues – after 10 years of simple abstinence and maintaining a healthy body weight (he was anorexic):

From time to time, I have been tempted to expand my abstinence to include things that have to do with attaining complete balance and perfection in my eating habits, my relationships and my job.  Yes, I want that balance in my life, but my old black and white thinking pushes me to the conclusion that changing my plan of eating is the way I make all the changes in my life.  Now I have many tools, and so today I ask for God’s help in each of the things I want in my life.  But I leave my abstinence alone. [OAII, pp.46-47]

What I think I have been missing in my OA program is reconciling my powerless over my food obsessions, my reliance on a Power greater than myself, and the simple fact that I make choices about my food at least three times a day.  How can I be powerless, rely on someone else, and still be in a position to make choices?  The answer seems to be in the 12 and 12:

If we want to live free of the killing disease of compulsive eating, we accept help without reservation from a Power greater than ourselves.  We now say yes to this Power, deciding from here on to follow spiritual guidance in making every decision.  …

It is not easy, because for every one of us this decision means we must now adopt a new and unfamiliar way of thinking and acting on life.  From now on, we let go of our preconceived notions about what is right for us.  When faced with choices, we earnestly seek guidance from our Higher Power, and when that guidance comes, we act on it. [12&12, pp.19-20]

Abstinence for me means I eat three healthy meals and one snack a day, refraining from food compulsions, in terms of type of food and quantity.  It means I choose what I eat with help from my Higher Power with the intention of meeting my basic nutritional needs and finding comfort somewhere other than food.

The reading in For Today, for February 10 is helpful too:

As a compulsive overeater, my failure to move ahead in terms of emotional growth meant falling back, constantly losing ground to my illness.  Moving ahead requires only awareness and willingness.  Nothing complex.  No figuring out, no master plan, only a desire to change. ...

Blessed be.

For Today - Do it Now

We are always getting ready to live, but never living.  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I found myself procrastinating on something that I didn't want to do.  I knew it would be a bit unpleasant but do-able and I simply did not want to.  So I lolled around in bed, not getting to it, thinking about it, making it worse in mind than it was in real life.  I wasted a good 20-25 minutes.  Finally, I pulled myself together, raised up enough gumption and just did it.  And you know what?  It wasn't that bad.  It wasn't all fun, rainbows and unicorns.  But it wasn't un-doable.  And it was done.

The part of today's reading -- other than the wonderful Emerson quote -- that really resonates is this:

Hasn't God already given me far more than I could ever imagine for myself?  Just for today, I will live a little.  What can be done "someday," I can do today - just for the fun of it!

It's true.  I never imagined myself doing many of the things I have been blessed to experience.  Travelling abroad.  A graduate degree, despite the odds.  A professional career.  My relationship with my sister's children.  My own home. 

Today's prescription is to do something today that I usually put off to 'someday" -- just for fun.  Ok.  Challenge accepted.  :-)

For Today - Growth

All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience.  -- Henry Miller

Just like a seed grows toward the light without seeing it at first, so can I.  I am trying a new 28 day process of working my program, starting today.  I am a bit excited to see how I do.  I know I will grow but how much?  I know it will be hard, but how hard?  And I know I have my friends in OA and my Higher Power to surround me with love.

The For Today meditation is timely today (as usual).  It reads;  For today, this program proves to me that my attitudes and habits are not cast in stone.  I may not know a new way to be, but I can learn.

Blessed be. 

For Today - Feeling Feelings

There are, it may be, so many kinds of voices in the world, and none of them is without significance. - The Bible, I Corinthians

The voice that is loudest right now is the nightmare that haunts my sleep.  I feel like I am hibernating, letting this gestate, after being buried for so long.  And it is hard and scary and disturbing and I would rather not.  But it is.  And my subconscious has its own voice.  So when we talk about feeling the feelings in OA, this is one example of a situation where I have usually actively refused.  So for today, I'm not.  I'm sitting with it, living with it, and letting it linger to see what that voice says next. 

The For Today is more about listening to others' share.  And that's true, definitely.  But for me, for today, the part that resonates is "I can never know in advance when someone will say just what I need to hear."  Even if that someone is me.

Blessed be.

For Today - Self-Acceptance

Just for today, I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly. - Just for Today

I accidentally (on purpose?) read ahead to today's reading on Thursday, having made a mistake with the date momentarily.  It was a good suggestion:  I had my pedicure done on Thursday, my hair cut yesterday (it had been six months!), and I'm going to the waxing salon this afternoon.  I already feel a bit better about myself. 

The reading is right, it's not vanity, but self-acceptance; how I treat my body is a clue on how I'm feeling about myself.  In this case, I felt lousy but sprucing up a little has made me feel a bit better.

Now, I eat my healthy breakfast and head to the gym to honour my body with movement.

For Today - Basic Requirements of Happiness

True happiness is of a retired nature, and an enemy to pomp and noise; it arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self, and, in the next, from the friendship and conversation of a few select companions. - Joseph Addison

and

Feeling good about myself is the most basic requirement of happiness.  It is liking myself unconditionally, feeling worthwhile just because I exist. - For Today, February 5

and

Fall seven times, get up eight. - Japanese proverb

My basic requirements for happiness are what exactly?  Having a sense of wonder at myself, my mind, my body, the world around me.  The innate feeling of resilience that I can pick myself up and keep going.  Connection with other human beings.  A warm cat on my lap.  Good books.  Clean water.  Adequate food.  Space.  Fresh Air.  An open sky.  Quiet.  Caring touch. 

For Today - Fears Getting in the Way of Hope

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.  - John F. Kennedy

What do I want?  How do I get there from here?  Why am I holding back?

For Today - Let Go and Let God

The right way to pray for the answer to all your problems is to feel and know that the Indwelling God knows only the answer.  Because this is true, you will know the answer and recall the truth:  God never faileth.  - Joseph Murphy

"There is no need to go back and pick up the problem and worry it some more, like a dog with a bone. ... I give my problems to God with absolute confidence that solutions are on the way."

It's when I overthink things that I get into trouble.  Work the program.  Follow my food plan.  Keep it simple.  Do the things that work for you:  get enough sleep, go for a walk, get to the gym, avoid putting myself in harm's way.

Last night, I was at the Museum of Anthropology.  There were so many handmade things of such incredible beauty.  Totem poles that soar metres in the air - so high that I have to lean back, almost too far for balance, to see the carvings at the top.  Jewelry so intricate, so stunning, that the shining silver bathes me in a moonlight glow.  Baskets so precise that the weaving appears to take solid form.  Clothing so beautifully designed and decorated that it seems love is in every thread, every stitch, every bead.  Weapons so beautiful they are honourable.  These represent the human imagination, the human craft.  What if I took as much care with my body as these artisans do with their materials?  And my very body shall be a temple.  Hear my prayer, o Lord.

For Today - Relapse Sucks

Hardships.  We feel different.  Only after surrender are we able to overcome the alienation of addiction.  Our individual circumstances and differences are irrelevant when it comes to recovery.  By letting go of our uniqueness and surrendering to this simple way of life, we're bound to find that feel a part of something.  And feeling a part of something gives us the strength to walk through life, hardships and all. My hardships do not exclude me from recovery; rather, they draw me to it. - Just for Today, NA daily email (February 1, 2016)

I am thinking about whether I am willing to go to 30 OA meetings in 30 days.  I am not doing well on my own and despite a strong sponsor and a strong food buddy, I am still relapsing regularly.  I feel like a wilful stubborn child demanding sweets and giving in to the cravings. 

Poem for today - Marge Piercy, To Be of Use

To be of use

BY MARGE PIERCY

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

But the thing worth doing well done

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,

Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

Source: Circles on the Water: Selected Poems of Marge Piercy (Alfred A. Knopf, 1982)

For Today - an aching sad mess

Blech.  Today was not a good day - I am struggling on many levels. God, please hear my prayers.

The quote from yesterday resonates:

To say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows. It is easy to say no, even if saying no means death. - Jean Anouilh