So for today, I will forgive myself and move forward. The answer to my relapse is not to cause me further distress I am not to abuse myself, berate myself, and tell myself I am a horrible human being, who is unable to cope. I made a mistake and today, I keep going in the direction I want, the direction my best self, my Higher Power, wants.
I was at the last reading for question 6 of the OA Slipping and Sliding relapse reading and writing tool when I let up on my program just a little. I don't think I can let up - the risk of relapse is too great. So that was a mistake. I'm allowed to make mistake. I just need to learn from them. So lesson learned: I need to do my OA program reading and writing. It strengthens my program and my recovery.
So the reading for today is A Disease of the Spirit which is appendix C of the OAII. As usual, it has some passages that resonate loudly:
A holy person is one whose body, mind and spirit share an equality that was (and is) the intention of plan of God for all. Such a person takes his or her place within the community with ease and grace, motivated by a deep and abiding sense of thanksgiving. Such individuals become creative and constructive, not only with the family circle or community but in the arts and sciences. Their creative energies are not blocked by shame, guilt, self-pity and hate, nor by the facades of arrogance, aggressiveness, and uncaring attitudes. [OAII, p. 243]Oh, this. I want this. I sometimes have this. And sometimes I am so filled with self-loathing and shame that I have none of this. The balance is not there - I ricochet from blessed to self-hatred like a wind storm batters leaves off the trees. Some fall, and so do I. Some stay, and so do I. But all leaves must come down in time to allow for new growth. And I have stifled myself with my shame.
The reading continues to discuss what happens to the Spirit with excess food.
Those who are prone to stuff themselves with food that makes their bodies unsightly are refusing the food that satisfies and soothes the unhappy soul within. Have they said, "I don't deserve anything good" for such a long time that they are literally putting their heels on that source of love that alone can bring peace? Or have they become so discouraged or so angry that they deny even the existence of love, let alone God? [OAII, pp. 243-244]Sometimes this is me. Sometimes my aloneness overwhelms my reason and my heart breaks. My feelings overwhelm me like a tsunami and I pick up the food. "Like a mighty flood, [I] feel swamped again by that compulsion that once all but destroyed [my] life" [OAII, p. 245]. But food doesn't patch me up. It patches over the hurt, for such a short time, then leaves scars all over my body and my spirit.
When my spirituality is strong, the food is not. I love and I receive love. I am interested in others and in creative things. I notice beauty around me. I breathe easily and deeply. I sleep and wake well rested. This is the Cloud Nine I've heard about. I've been there and lost it. The reading today says this about the process:
You are walking on Cloud Nine, only to be tripped up by pride and even a tinge of complacency or arrogance. The power you envied in others is now yours. You must learn to use it without losing your way again.
Sometimes this experience strands us on a stagnant, arid plateau. You may see someone else maturing more rapidly than you. Disillusionment and standstill can result. There is at this crossroads a signpost you cannot miss. "Go deeper with others and with God."...
But now that your body is no longer your master; your mind is beginning to think clearly; and your soul is fed, nurtured and functioning, you can reconsider those other sources of soul food. ... It is a journey that leads straight out of self-made prisons and limitations into green pastures where we find many a table spread with wholesome food and a cup that overflows. [OAII, pp. 246, 247]and at this table we are surrounded by people who love us and who we love. We are no longer alone.
Blessed be.
No comments:
Post a Comment