How many times have we heard it said that we are only as sick as our secrets? While many members choose not to use meetings to share the intimate details of their lives, it is important that we each discover what works best for us. What about those behaviors we have carried into our recovery that, if discovered, would cause us shame? How much are we comfortable disclosing, and to whom? If we are uncomfortable sharing some details of our lives in meetings, to whom do we turn?
We have found the answer to these questions in sponsorship. Although a relationship with a sponsor takes time to build, it is important that we come to trust our sponsor enough to be completely honest. Our defects only have power as long as they stay hidden. If we want to be free of those defects, we must uncover them. Secrets are only secrets until we share them with another human being.
Today, I confronted some of the why of my bingeing, my distress, my compulsive hiding of hurts. It was unbelievably hard, I resisted the feelings, I resisted putting them into words, I hated the whole idea of saying it outloud. I was not out of my abstinence but I was struggling, I was not making great choices, and this is the harbinger of me relapsing. So I listened very carefully to my heart, my tears, my fear. And this is what came:
Why am I deviating from health inducing steps? Because I don't deserve to be looked after properly.
What behaviour am I displaying? Self hatred.
What strategy or pattern am I replaying? Rejecting myself before other people can.
What am I trying to accomplish by deviating from that which helps me find a healthy way of life? I'm punishing myself with food for not being loved or loveable.
I am a worthy human being who will be treated with dignity and due respect. Starting with me.
Blessed be.
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