For Today - This Disease is Devastating, Painful, and Fatal

Continuing with the OA relapse tool on Slipping and Sliding - I am on day 3 and question 3:

Do I have a devastating disease that leads me to return to food for comfort?  If so, how much pain does this cause me?  How could my disease kill me? 

I have a devastating disease that leads me to return to food, over and over, for comfort.  Yesterday was my second day of Grace, with abstinence.  I found I was tearful multiple times, crying twice, and sobbing once.  If I was bingeing for comfort, I would not have experienced these emotions.  And that would have been both more painful and more damaging to my sense of self and my body.

How much pain does this disease cause me?  More than I need.  More than I want.  Enough that I have considered suicide.  Enough that I have considered bariatric surgery.  Enough that I developed a major depression four or five times over my adult life.  Enough that I have isolated myself from family, from friends, from potential romantic partners, from an active, fulfilling life.  From my creativity.  Instead I have binged and I have over-slept.  Sometimes for days at a time.  The pain is horrendous.  No one deserves to feel this bad about themselves, their life, their past.  The pain has robbed me of years of my life and threatened my future.

When I read "Sink the Lollipop" in OAII as suggested, this resonates:

• she was sexually molested; I was sexually abused
• she was so wary of the male sex she was not able to trust men enough to want one for a husband; me too
• her escape was a "ship" she built of pure chocolate and it was her sanctuary for 39 years; my ship was built of chocolate, bread, crackers, and other junk food and it has been my sanctuary for about 31 years;
• she was angry with God; so was I
• she expected doctors to fix her; so did I
• she set impossible goals for herself and then binged and became depressed when she didn't reach them; me too
• she ventured out, vowing never to return to this dark place multiple times, only to return because it felt safe; yes, me too
• she isolated because no one could criticize her then; me too
• it became clear to her that death would come to claim her before she grew old; yes, I assumed this was true for me too.  She didn't care.  Me neither.  In fact, I wished to die so I could get out of my pain. 
• she went to OA for the first time and left in tears; me too.  She was a mess physically and emotionally; yes, I was too.
• she found an awesome sponsor, patient, wise, and comforting.  Me too (how lucky I am and how grateful)
• she is learning to take responsibility for herself; yes, me too - although fledgling and with a lot of help
• she is amazed at how much more she gets done in 24 hours; the living, the connecting, the writing, reading, the friendships.  Me too, when I act on life instead of reacting by isolating and bingeing
• she accepts she is human and a child of God.  That is an on-going struggle for me but I do too.
• she doesn't have to go back to her chocolate binge ship unless she chooses to.  Me neither.

My disease can kill me - slowly or quickly.  The slow painful death is being crushed with the health complications that come with being twice the size my body -- bones, muscles, lungs, everything - was designed to handle.  Or quickly, if the despair is unchecked and I suicide. 

I chose to focus on my recovery.  I choose to recover.  I choose life.

Blessed be.