Read "He Never Let a Hot Doughnut Get Cold" in OAII, with special attention to the paragraph at the top of page 33. What made the difference that brought the author to renewed abstinence? How would I describe my willingness to accept that this program may be more difficult once my previous abstinence has eluded me?The difference for the author was that he realized he had failed to work The Steps in all his affairs, he was only working the program on his gluttony. Once he addressed his recovery to other character defects (in his case, he describes them as lust and grandiosity), he had renewed abstinence. He also spent a 24 hour silent retreat reading the Big Book which kick-started his miracle of renewed abstinence.
I accept that this program is more difficult than I initially thought. I thought if I turned my food over to my Higher Power and refrained from compulsive eating and food behaviours, I was abstinent. Now, I realize I have to turn over my perfectionism and control in all aspects of my life, not just food.
When I reflect on my life so far, I see that I have tried so hard (and failed so spectacularly) to be perfect. The part of page 33 in the author's story that really resonates for me is where he says:
...I decided that the reason God had abandoned me was that my life wasn't 'clean' enough. So I set out to clean it up, so He would again Bless me [with abstinence]. It didn't work. In fact, I was even more miserable due to my failure at perfection.God never abandoned me. I just didn't understand. And now I am learning to let go, in all my affairs. And I have been blessed with six days of abstinence. God willing, today will be day seven.
No longer do I believe that my life (and my body) isn't clean enough for God. That's not for me to say. What is my job is to live as best I can and, recognizing my character defects, work on them in all my affairs and pray to my best self, my Higher Power, that they be removed on a daily basis.
Blessed be.
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