I have felt broken and dirty for as long as I can remember. My bingeing reflects my intention of making my body match my sense of internal disgust and shame through obesity and compulsive over eating.
I have had periods of abstinence but I relapse sooner or
later. I have been met with
unconditional love and acceptance in OA and yet I have been so afraid of
rejection, it is only in the last couple weeks that I have been reluctantly
more honest about my bingeing with my sponsor and my food buddy. I have not shared about it in a meeting for
more than a month. I’ve been back in OA
for just over a year and I’m up almost 50 pounds, I feel lost, confused, and I
am bingeing more than ever.
Being early in my recovery, I cannot safely rely on my own guidance for what is abstinence – I’m still too sick. For me, just now, my abstinence is highly technical, relying on weighing food, counting grams of fat, protein and sugars, constantly monitoring what kind of calorie deficit I have. It’s not working. My OA friends have a simply abstinence – three healthy meals a day and a snack if needed. And are they maintaining or working toward a healthy body weight.
I am not free to choose my abstinence. There is basic body chemistry involved in
losing weight. There are chemical
reactions I set up if I have my binge foods with too much sugar, simple
carbohydrates and fat. I need to have
just enough willingness to try what my sponsor and food buddy do. Being early in my recovery, I cannot safely rely on my own guidance for what is abstinence – I’m still too sick. For me, just now, my abstinence is highly technical, relying on weighing food, counting grams of fat, protein and sugars, constantly monitoring what kind of calorie deficit I have. It’s not working. My OA friends have a simply abstinence – three healthy meals a day and a snack if needed. And are they maintaining or working toward a healthy body weight.
As the guy who wrote "Abstinence, Not Perfection" (this morning’s essay) says: “My abstinence is firmly anchored in my First Step and in refusing participation in the self-abuse that almost killed me” (OAII, p. 46). He continues – after 10 years of simple abstinence and maintaining a healthy body weight (he was anorexic):
From time to time, I have been tempted to expand my abstinence to include things that have to do with attaining complete balance and perfection in my eating habits, my relationships and my job. Yes, I want that balance in my life, but my old black and white thinking pushes me to the conclusion that changing my plan of eating is the way I make all the changes in my life. Now I have many tools, and so today I ask for God’s help in each of the things I want in my life. But I leave my abstinence alone. [OAII, pp.46-47]What I think I have been missing in my OA program is reconciling my powerless over my food obsessions, my reliance on a Power greater than myself, and the simple fact that I make choices about my food at least three times a day. How can I be powerless, rely on someone else, and still be in a position to make choices? The answer seems to be in the 12 and 12:
If we want to live free of the killing disease of compulsive eating, we accept help without reservation from a Power greater than ourselves. We now say yes to this Power, deciding from here on to follow spiritual guidance in making every decision. …
It is not easy, because for every one of us this decision means we must now adopt a new and unfamiliar way of thinking and acting on life. From now on, we let go of our preconceived notions about what is right for us. When faced with choices, we earnestly seek guidance from our Higher Power, and when that guidance comes, we act on it. [12&12, pp.19-20]
The reading in For Today, for February 10 is helpful too:
As a compulsive overeater, my failure to move ahead in terms of emotional growth meant falling back, constantly losing ground to my illness. Moving ahead requires only awareness and willingness. Nothing complex. No figuring out, no master plan, only a desire to change. ...Blessed be.
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