For Today - Pain

The means by which certain pleasures are gained bring pains many times greater than the pleasures.  - Epicurus

I am in tears as I write this.  My pain is unrelenting and I am buckling under the weight of it.  Prayer gives me some relief.  But not enough.  Listening to OA podcasts helps make life seem possible.  But not for long.  The antidepressants help sort of.  But not really.  Eating makes life go away for a little while.  And then I feel worse.  I feel like I am disintegrating and I just have to be here suffering.

FML.

.......................................

Two and a half hours later...

I don't want what I wrote earlier this morning to be my post for the last day of 2015.  In the last while, I have wept.  I have done two loads of laundry.  I cancelled my training for this morning  I baked a white sponge cake for the base layer of the baked Alaska I am making for dessert tonight.  I read about Epicurus.  I spoke to my parents on the phone to wish them a Happy New Year.  And I wept again.  Now, I am making my usual breakfast and thinking I need to get some more rest before tackling more of what I want to get done today.  My eyes are sore.  My head aches.  And I am sad.  But I am still here. 

For Today - Promises

To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.  - Mark Twain

It is cold and dark this morning.  I have been running a mental list of things to do through my head while restless in bed for over an hour in the half-wake of early morning.  Enough.  Today I will do what I can and then I will stop to rest.  I no longer want to live my life like an endless marathon where there is always one more thing to do that is taxing, tiring, and unpleasant.  The runners' high almost never (never?) finds me so I am putting my baton down.  No more beating myself up to achieve the impossible.

The temptation is to promise myself to do all these undone things before the year ends.  Some are old ways to court good luck.  My grandmother taught my mother who taught me that you have all the laundry done before New Year.  That's do-able but I don't know that it brings the promise of good luck.  There is something about endings and beginnings that bring out the hope of a different, brighter path.  But that path is not luck, it is paved in action, with work. 

The OA program teaches "just for today" -- not "as a New Year's Resolution" or "starting on Monday" I'll do xyz.  There is no need to wait for a magic start day.  That magic start is now.  Even part way through a day. 

Today's reading talks about just having the desire to change.  That's enough.  I don't need to make elaborate promises, public or private, to lose weight, to eat right, to clean my house, to practice my creativity... see there, I've started making a list of potential resolutions automatically! 

The contemplative point for action in For Today is "I will allow no one, including myself, to pressure me into promising to lose weight."  The Big Book chapter The Doctor's Opinion talks about those in addiction who are "over-remorseful and make many resolutions, but never a decision" [Big Book, p.xxx].  They will not recover so long as they are emotionally unstable.  I am working on my recovery, my spirituality, and my emotional self.

In the chapter There is a Solution it reads:

So he returned to this doctor, whom he admired, and asked him point-blank why he could not recovery.  He wished above all things to regain self-control.  He seemed quite rational and well balanced with respect to other problems.  Yet he had no control whatever over alcohol.  Why was this?

...

The doctor said:  "You have the mind of a chronic alcoholic.  I have never seen one single case recover, where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you."  Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang.

He said to the doctor, "Is there no exception?"

"Yes," replied the doctor, "there is.  Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times.  Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences.  To me these occurrences are phenomena.  They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements.  Ideas, emotions and attitudes are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."  [Big Book, p.27]

It's a process.  I am working on my thinking, feeling my feelings, and holding myself as I would hold a child who struggles to learn.

Elsewhere in the Big Book, a woman writes of early recovery as a pink cloud (that was my 87 days of abstinence earlier this year when it seemed easy), followed by a year of crying, then a year of rage, followed by a new sense of emotional equilibrium [Big Book, p.346].  I seem to be in the year of crying just now.  So I must be on my path for today.

For fun, I googled Mark Twain and promises after reviewing his quote that started this morning's pages.  I found this as the top result:

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;

I cannot promise you riches, wealth or gold;

I cannot promise you an easy pathway

That leads away from change or growing old.

But I can promise all my heart’s devotion;

A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow.

A love that’s true and ever growing;

A hand to hold in your’s through each tomorrow.

Those are good promises.

For Today - Joy comes from living now

With the Past as past, I have nothing to do, nor with the Future as future.  I live now and will verify all past history in my own moments.  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am home.  I woke up warm in my own bed this morning, with my hand nestled in the cat's fur.  She is happy to be home too. 

M. gave me a new expression last night for meditation.  Watch thoughts go by as if they are cars on the street.  There is just now, this breath, and then this one. 

For Today - Release

I love you. I bless you. I release you to your own indwelling presence of God. - Anonymous

Ah, this.  Today's reading talks about releasing the ones we love as a way of exerting incredible influence on them and us, in relationship together.  "I say and do only what is necessary to attend to my daily responsibilities, showing the love I feel and radiating the calmness and peace that comes from giving up control."

For now, I am giving up the illusion I can do this writing while my Mom keeps talking to me and asking questions.  I love her and I'm letting go of my frustration.  For today.

For Today - facing life

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. - Eleanor Roosevelt

It's almost 11 in the evening and my last night in my parents' house for the holidays. It is exceedingly difficult to carve out any private time at all with family all around, converged like there is but this one opportunity to be all together.  

I had my youngest nephew with me almost all day. He is a wonderful child and also a child. So he won't eat the crust of his sandwiches. He would prefer five cookies and only the girl gingerbread because with their skirts, you get more cookie than with the boy cookies and their bare legs.  I have to remind him to go pee if he needs to.  And then to wash his hands.  I gently help him navigate through parking lots, through stores, and on how not to scare the unfamiliar cat.  I remind him about brushing his teeth.  To say good night to his grandparents.  And I sit with him when he misses his mother and doesn't think he can fall asleep by himself. 

So today's reading about the wonderful virtues of childhood curiosity and enthusiasm is a bit over wrought, I think.  He is curious and asks impossible questions.  He is enthusiastic if he is interested. Otherwise, he is a listless shadow of a child, coming along because he has little choice if the adults in his lives are going one way.  

The reading speaks of living life. And I think living with fear, with uncertainty, and with new experiences is every bit as much of living life as the wonderful, curious, enthusiastic moments.  Both require us to face life on its own terms... the joy, the fear, the excitement, and the banal, without turning our backs. For all of this is to be human.  

Today I saw some of life through an eight year old's eyes and it looked a lot like my life. 

For Today - blech

It's almost 930 at night and I haven't yet done my For Today.  Blech.  Not the kind of day I would have liked. The day has felt long, endless, with very little movement, no fresh air, and plenty of human interaction with family.  I would have preferred a different day. I felt my stress go up several times as my sister had power struggles with her kids, as my mother and sister got into discussions of family sore points, and all.  I just wanted to go home. I found my self either centering my breathing or telling myself, two more sleeps and I can go home.

Vitality shows in not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over.  - F. Scott Fitzgerald.  

Today's reading says willingness to make a new beginning is a sign of growth.  Starting over is what creation is all about; it is part of the fabric of success in enterprises ranging from spinning a web to splitting an atom.  

So I will start again tomorrow.

For Today - Gifts

The only gift is a portion of thyself.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This morning I awoke to the snap snap snapping of noise makers Santa brought the nephews to use cheering each other at the hockey rink.  6.40 am!  Apparently the little one woke up my brother-in-law at 2.17 am to ask if he could see if Santa had come already...  Um, nope. 

In watching the nephews open their stockings and other gifts, I can see they love the new fun toys.  They also love the surprise of opening gifts and discovering what is inside.  And this year, they really got into figuring out gifts for other people.  Both boys chose hockey cards they thought their Poppa would like and wrapped them up.  He was pretty thrilled.

Last night, I watched my sister and brother-in-law stuff their stockings and felt melancholy.  Christmas is a hard time to be with your family sometimes.  I found myself wishing I had a husband who adored me and worked with me to create a special life.  And wishing I had children to delight, to worry over, to surprise.  My life is rich with family and friends but I wish for the intimacy of everyday life with a soul mate. 

This last year has brought greater intimacy, honesty, and sharing with both M and B.  Different men, different kinds of intimacy.  My heart feels warm thinking of them both.  And both are walking wounded, on a personal path of recovery of self, like I am. 

And my life is rich with friends from OA, also wonderful people on personal journeys of healing, hope, and strength.  I have learned so much in this last year from all these generous people, willing to share of their deepest selves.  And in sharing of myself, I have also learned more, felt more acutely and loved freely.  These are precious gifts indeed. 

For Today - First Things First

An unrestricted satisfaction of every need presents itself as the most enticing method of conducting one's life, but it means putting enjoyment before caution, and soon brings its own punishment. -- Sigmund Freud

Temperance.  The reading this morning continues after the Freud quote to say, in part, I thought if I wanted something I should have it; pain was to be avoided.  Today I know the pain of compulsive overeating is worse than any problem I may have to face. 

There's a saying in OA that if I eat over a problem, I then have two problems.  My anxiety is up as I'm not at home.  The cat and I have travelled to my parents' house, my childhood home, and are staying here for six days over Christmas.  She hid for the first afternoon and into the evening.  It was only when my parents went to bed that I spoke quietly to her in the living room and she emerged from hiding.  There are times I feel like hiding and when I do, I often resort to excess food. 

I am trying to keep my morning program of reading, writing and meditation going even though I am here.  I am in the kitchen with my laptop and For Today book.  My dad is still sleeping as it's early yet.  My Mom has said twice she doesn't want to disturb me but so far she has swept the kitchen floor, taken a plant into the kitchen be pruned and watered, got out ingredients for a pumpkin pie, talked aloud to herself as does all these things and looks at a text on her iPad from my sister.  She generally left her own writing in another room to be in the kitchen with me.  I think it's the lack of personal space that stresses me out - so I am concentrating on my breathing.  First things first.

Ok, it's working.  My Mom has gone back to her own writing in the dining room and I am alone in the quiet.  Today's quote feels foreign to me -- I never had the unrestricted satisfaction of every need.  As a child, I felt deprived.  As an adult, I felt alone.  So I tried to fill those feelings with food as that was within my control.  I could afford to feed myself and so I did. 

I've realized since joining OA and learning more about nutrition from my trainer that my body can only handle so much food at one time.  There is a limit to what my liver can handle and then excess is shunted away into storage.  The interesting part is I think I thought I could over-eat to ward off any future deprivation -- that is, if I ate a lot now, I wouldn't be hungry later.  But I get hungry every few hours like clockwork, regardless of what I ate previously.  I am now aware of this sensation and have to remind myself that I can eat enough now and then eat enough later, rather than court the disaster of overloading my body with food, only to fall hungry again anyway.  I have been fighting my own biology.

As a young adult, I often had to work for five or so hours on Christmas Day.  So I would get up, have my usual breakfast, and head to my parents' home for the morning.  My Mom would say we were having such a big dinner, there was no need for lunch.  And I went along with that.  I would go to work and do physical labour in a restaurant for five or six hours on an empty stomach.  I would come back to Christmas Dinner, tired, with a headache and starving.  I did this for years.  It was only after I left that work, went back to university, and my sister started wanting us to all in her home for Christmas morning (her new husband was on call), that some sort of lunch became an option. 

When I think how little I understood my nutritional needs I can see how a pattern of binge and starve was created.  I did not self-advocate for my food needs during the periods of starvation over Christmas.  But I binged at every food opportunity in an attempt to forestall the feelings of need and hunger. 

Now, I bring my own eggs, egg whites and peppers for my usual breakfast.  I don't want to feel guilty when my Mom comments about me having two eggs, instead of one.  I don't want to see the dwindling egg supply in her fridge -- making me feel like rationing.  It feels more comfortable to feed myself from my own carton. 

So now that I've identified how I am feeling, are there any distorted thoughts here?  Probably.  I am fortune telling her reaction to my breakfast -- based on past experience.  I may be struggling with a should statement -- as in I should be able to eat the way my parents do without feeling hungry or anxious.  But I know that isn't objectively true.  For someone of my size and metabolism, I need what I need. 

It's clear to me that my nutritional needs and my emotional needs must be met separately.  It doesn't work to try to feed my emotional needs with food.  It's not the right fuel.  And so I am a bit sad, wishing I was home and cooking breakfast with M instead of here, tired and hungry.  But I know how to look after myself and so I will.  First things first.  For me to be of use to others, I need to look after myself first.

For Today - Struggling to live purposefully, usefully when things go wrong

True ambition is not what we thought it was.  True ambition is the profound desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.  -- Bill W.

This day last year I was choked with pain, grief, and confusion.  I was tearful and over wrought.  Frightened.  I delayed my trip home for Christmas, feeling fragile and unfit.  I had breakfast at the marina with a good friend, M.  My fondest memory of last Christmas is M. hugging me tight in the parking lot, singing a Christmas carol in a quiet baritone against my ear.  I finally felt safe and peaceful.

This Christmas I am doing a bit better.  My true ambition is to feel my feelings, to live my life, with all its ups and downs in equanimity.  I lost my abstinence yesterday. Again.  I got overwhelmed with stressers -- I came home to my house unlocked and the uncertainty of whether I had been robbed.  I lashed out at the housekeeping company for being so careless.  The bakery lost my special Christmas order not once but twice!  It crossed my mind my Higher Power was saying "No rum balls for you!" on that one.  I had been to the mental health support group at the local hospital and there was no lightning moment of insight, just the relentless work of recovery.  And I had a lot to get done - my presents weren't wrapped, the almond brittle I had made was in the garbage, needing a do-over, and I had no clean clothes to pack on my trip.  So I binged to anesthetize myself from feeling so stressed and powerless. 

In speaking with my OA sponsor last night, I see I made a conscious choice to react that way, reaching for food instead of help and support.  I took a breath.  I started a load of laundry.  I started a pot of chilli.  Wrapping presents took maybe 40 minutes.  And I made two batches of almond brittle -- that set! -- in between making a list, rebooting the laundry, organizing the cat's things for the trip, etc.  And I was in bed by midnight, with my house mostly clean.  So it is possible.  I underestimate my ability to get things done and over estimate how hard it will be.  This is one of those distorted thinking patterns they talk about in cognitive behavioural therapy, I think.  Perhaps the mental filter one?  I feel overwhelmed and therefore my situation must be overwhelming:  I can't cope.  Not true.  I can cope and I did.

The part of Bill W.'s quote this morning that resonates is the desire to be useful and to walk gracefully at peace (under God's grace or the equivalent with my Higher Power).  When I am overwhelmed and binge, I am serving those thoughts which would destroy me:  the I can't, it's too hard, I need to escape my life, thoughts.  What if instead I asked myself what would be the most useful thing for me to do?  The answer would not be bingeing, I'm sure.

To be of use is a fundamental desire, a true calling.  It reminds me of one of my most favourite poems by Marge Piercy, titled "To be of Use" from Circles on the Water (1982, Knopf):

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge

in the task, who go into the fields to harvest

and work in a row and pass the bags along,

who are not parlor generals and field deserters

but move in a common rhythm

when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.

Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.

But the thing worth doing well done

has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,

Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums

but you know they were made to be used.

The pitcher cries for water to carry

and a person for work that is real.

 

For Today -- Inner Peace

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.  If you find that you have wandered away from the shelter of God, lead your heart back to Him quietly and simply.   -- St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622)

I am feeling rested, peaceful even, although there is much to do to get ready for Christmas and travel to be with family. 

One sign that my spirit is not as calm as I could be is my thoughts are darting around my mental to-do list:  wrap presents, make my Dad's favourite treat, pick up a few last things at the grocery store, tidy the house, laundry, blah, blah, blah.  Breathe.  Just for now, I am focusing on my recovery, my tools of reading and writing.  I am at rest.

The reading this morning also says:

Stuffing down anxiety and fear with food gives an illusion of calm, but food as an anesthetic has the shortest lifespan of all the addictive substances.

How, then, do I maintain inward peace?  The same way I remain abstinent -- by giving everything to God:  my fears, my worries, my life.  I abandon all efforts to control, to force life to conform to my will.  And I rest as peacefully as an infant in its mother's arms.

It is from this place of peace and rest that I can focus on what is truly important.  Even the mundane things that have to get done are important but not all at once.  Some of the reminders that help me are:  first things first; one thing at a time; one day at a time.  It is having a scattered mind, whirling with all the things not done, not perfect, that helps drives me to anxiety and excess food.  And so I breathe.  I rest. 

This morning's quote from St. Francis de Sales prompted me to look him up (of course!).  He was a very well Jesuit educated French / Italian nobleman, a lawyer, priest and author, and later a Catholic saint who lived in Lyon, France in the late 15th and early 16th century.  Some of his thoughts that have received wide currency include:

• Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.
• When we discover that our lute is out of tune we must neither break the strings nor throw the instrument aside.
• If we really knew ourselves, instead of being astonished at finding ourselves on the ground, we should marvel how we sometimes manage to remain upright.
• The measure of love is to love without measure.
• Blessed are the hearts that bend; they shall never be broken.
• Half an hour's meditation each day is essential, except when you are busy.  Then a full hour is needed.

Indeed.  I enter this day with a peaceful heart.

For Today - Winter Solstice, Yule

Exuberance is beauty -- William Blake

It is just after 8 o'clock and the morning light is reluctantly graying brighter, silvery wet and cold. 

Today is the tipping point in the year when the light stops short and rests -- the shortest day of the year, winter solstice.  After tonight, the light starts growing again.  Slowly at first, a minute a day for the next 17 days.  Then two minutes a day, one at dawn, one at sunset starting January 7th, the 12th day after Christmas.

This morning's quote is interesting in For Today, it reminds us that express joy, even exuberance, in our lives, like a child does.  Enjoy what is beautiful.

At the same time, William Blake (English, 1757-1827) is a conundrum for me.  Imagine my surprise when I see "Exuberance is beauty" is one of his Proverbs of Hell, from the poem "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell".  Much of it appears to be a stream of consciousness piece and beyond me at this early hour and generally.  There are those who spent their life times studying Blake.  But the portions that leap out at me (exuberantly?!) are these:

In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.

The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man.  The fox condemns the trap, not himself.  ... 

The crow wish'd everything was black, the owl, that every thing was white.  ...  Enough!  or Too much!

Sometimes it is good to stop thinking, analyzing, strategizing and simply be.  Solstice means the sun stands still.  And so do I in this moment.  Appreciate beauty for what it is.  Radical acceptance.  That makes me happier than before.  And that is enough.

For Today -- Peace (Hear my Prayer, O Lord)

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others. -- Thomas a Kempis

I have a peaceful, happy kind of exhaustion this morning.  On reading this morning about peace, the only thing that really comes to mind is the old prayer from childhood from Psalms 143 including how I remembered it.  (Love that I thought in homonyms!):

Here [sic] my prayer, O Lord. 

Hear my prayer, O Lord. 

Incline Thy ear to us, 

And grant us Thy Peace.

In this cool, watery sunshine morning, I wanted to hear this prayer sung.  Perhaps I should not have been surprised but this prayer has many variants in song, the most well known being by Purcell and then other versions by Felix Mendelssohn and Dvorak.  I love all three composers but none is the version I remember from childhood. 

We used this as a simple supplication in the middle of the service, I think.  I found it, in part, in this arrangement of Protestant hymns called, If My People Will Pray with "Hear our Prayer, O Lord."  The part I remember is the piano prelude and then the part at minute 2.56 in this recording:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdzj3bkZU5M  This was arranged by Keith Christopher but I don't know who is the original composer. 

Then I searched a bit more -- and I found it!  This Response is what we sang when I was a child and I have relied on to this day.  It's from the 1959 Psalter Hymnal and was composed by George Whelpton (English-American, 1847-1930):  www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ51zJRfUds   There is something in its simplicity and faith that I find so comforting.  It channels peace in four simple lines. 

Back to the original quote for this morning about peace by medieval Dutch cleric, Thomas a Kempis (1380-1471).  I love that he also wrote this:

I have sought everywhere for peace, but I have found it not save in nooks and in books.

but this too:

At the Day of Judgment we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done. [The Imitation of Christ, Book 1, ch. 3]

I am reminded that as much of one of the gifts of my program is peace, I have to work for it.  For in Recovery, two of our tools are reading and writing but this is a practical program of action first and foremost:

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves that we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done."  We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.  We become much more efficient.  We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

...

It works-- it really does.

We [alcoholics] are undisciplined.  So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.

But that is not all.  There is action and more action.  "Faith without works is dead." [Big Book, p.87-88].

Hear my prayer, O Lord.

For Today -- Say Yes instead of No

Be not afraid of life.  Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.  -- William James

Yes, this.  Say yes.

For Today: Substance over Shadows

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.  -- Aesop.

This morning I reflect on my progress.  The substance of my spiritual fitness is in much better shape than it was.  My spirit is healing.  My weight is up a bit but my VO2 max score has improved, my blood work is good, and my blood pressure is excellent so my body is doing well too.

I noticed yesterday my heart rate elevated considerably in weighing myself at the gym with my trainer.  My weight stresses me out.  But it is a shadow, a by-product, of my spiritual and physical struggles.  The substance of my healing is not a number on the scale.  As the reading says this morning:

A normal sized body is a fringe benefit received in the course of reconstructing that which cannot be seen.

Aesop, a storyteller and slave believed to have lived in ancient Greece between 620 and 560 BCE, was said in ancient times to be more attached to the truth than the poets for he made use of humble incidents to teach great truths, adding at the end the advice to do a thing or not do it. 

In the case of this morning's caution not to lose the substance by grasping at shadows, Aesop tells the story of the dog with a piece of meat on her way home to enjoy it.  En route, she passes over a plank traversing a running brook and looks down to see her reflection.  Believing it to be another dog with another piece of meat, she thinks she would like that meat too.  So she snaps at it, losing her own meat to the depths of the water, and is left with none.

Aesop himself was described as a strikingly ugly slave who, by his cleverness, acquired freedom and became an adviser to kings and city-states.  He was said to be of "loathsome aspect ... potbellied, misshapen of head, snub-nosed, swarthy, dwarfish, bandy-legged, short-armed, squint-eyed, liver-lipped - a portentous monstrosity."  Poor guy.  His substance definitely outweighed the shadows of his physical form.  It is not surprising, perhaps, that another of Aesop's lessons is "It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds."

Substance over shadows. 

For Today - Not Showing Up for the War

Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.  -- Carl Sandburg

I have warred with myself over my food, my size, my physical (dis)abilities, my (mostly self-imposed) limitations, my sense of worth, belonging, and love.  I have been terribly lonely.  I have hated myself and my behaviours.  I have stewed in toxic emotions, unable to see anything else but fear, shame, anger, and disgust.  I have lived broken.  I have made myself broken.  I have contemplated suicide.

My birthday is a month away.  I will be 45.  What made me cry this morning was the realization not that I would be 45 and my life is most likely more than half over.  What made me cry is the recognition that I never expected to live this long.  Or I had never wanted to live this long?  I wanted my pain to end and I thought only death would bring that peace.

I came to search for peace in my war on myself when I realized I showed no signs of dying anytime soon.  I thought of it, I wished for it, but I did nothing to pursue death other than the inexorable path of binging, sedentary, willful living.  I was too afraid and ashamed to actually kill myself.  And I was too afraid to actually live as if my life was worth living.  The depression is a deep chilling fog of unusual weight, bogging me down in its poisonous blanket.

These bindings, of depression and then addiction trying futilely to feed the holes in my soul depression mines, felt absolute.  And yet things got worse.  I got heavier and my body hurt more.  Car accident was #1.  Broken leg, #2.  Another car accident was #3.  How much injury could my body sustain?  Apparently a lot.  I have sought a lot of medical intervention.  And much of it was needed and helpful.  But the work of regaining my health is ultimately mine.  I know what to do; this program is it.

There is a chapter in the Big Book called Empty on the Inside.  This is a fair statement of how I felt, depressed, desperate and terrified things will just continue to get worse.  The author writes of her early recovery:

[My mother] deposited me at the local detox center, where she told me I could go in or not but that she was done with me.  I was on my own.  Detox gave me the same message.  I thought they should send me on to a treatment center -- thirty days of hot meals and rest was sounding pretty good to me -- but they told me I already knew everything treatment was going to teach me, that I should go do it and save the bed for someone who needed it.  I have been sober ever since.  I was finally accountable for my own recovery.  I was responsible for taking the action.  One of my favourite games had always been making it someone else's job to see that I got my work done.  That game was over.

...I knew in my heart I would live whether I drank or not, and that no matter how bad it was, it could always get worse.  Some people get sober because they're afraid to die.  I knew I would live, and that was far more terrifying.  I had surrendered. [Big Book, p.548]

As I work my program, I am less and less at war with myself.  The threat comes and goes; I greet each with equanimity.  My pain at my internal conflicts is still there.  But I am starting to ease it.  I see the battle and I am starting to choose to sit still instead of respond. 

As my head clears -- sometimes for days at a time -- I realize that if I continue as I have in the binging and depression, it is only a matter of time before one of two things happen:  I will succeed at suicide or I'll continue the life of the living dead.  Neither outcome is what my spirit longs for.  I seek the on-going work of being happy, joyous and free [Big Book, p.133].

"Let a joy keep you.  Reach out your hands and take it when it runs by."  Carl Sandburg

For Today - Open as a Child (and the importance of Poetry)

You may strive to be like [your children], but seek not to make them like you.  -- Kahlil Gibran

To be open as a child, exploring, and full of wonder, is a healthy place of growth.  Curiosity is an essential part of my humanness.  At the same time, when I find something that works, I need to stick with it for so long as it still works. 

For me, right now, what works is doing my morning read and writing, eating three meals a day and one snack, and consciously connecting with my Higher Power, my breath.  It is also helping to track my thoughts, identifying automatic patterns that I am slowly changing.

The quote this morning had me resorting to Google.  Khalil Gibran's name was vaguely familiar and when I looked up his biography (Lebanese-American poet, born 1883) there were many quotations from his work that were familiar and some new, but hauntingly beautiful:

• Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
• Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking.
• Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
• You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might also pray in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.
• Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and greatness which does not bow before children.
• But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.  Love one another but make not a bond of love:  let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

As I ponder this morning's quote and the work of its author, Khalil Gibran, I honour the great contribution poets make to life.  I read an essay in university called Poetry is Not a Luxury by Audre Lorde.  She writes, in part:

Poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought.  The farthest external horizons of our hopes and fears are cobbled by our poems, carved from the rock experiences of our daily lives.

As they become known and accepted to ourselves, our feelings, and the honest exploration of them, become sanctuaries and fortresses and spawning grounds for the most radical and daring of ideas, the house of difference so necessary to change and the conceptualization of any meaningful action.  ... Poetry is not only dream or vision, it is the skeleton architecture of our lives. ...

For there are no new ideas.  There are only new ways of making them felt, of examining what our ideas really mean (feel like) on Sunday morning at 7 A.M. after brunch, during wild love, making war, giving birth; while we suffer the old longings, battle the old warnings and fears of being silent and impotent and alone, while tasting our new possibilities and strengths. [Sister Outsider, 1985]

So grateful this morning for the quiet, the dark, the opportunity to write, a mug of good coffee, tasting my new possibilities and strengths.

For Today - Acceptance

Don't fight your problem.  Know that there is a solution.  -- Joseph Murphy

Today's reading reminds me that when I resist a problem, I give it strength, weakening my chances of finding a solution. 

This reminds me, perversely, of the Star Trek Borg threat/prophecy of "Resistance is Futile."  That part is true.  The next part, "You Will Be Assimilated" is perhaps less apt.  Or is it?  My addictive traits lead me down the rabbit hole into hell.  Other addicts, regardless of their substance or compulsion, recognize this, just as I recognize it in other people struggling with addiction.  I can hear it in their language, see it in their behaviours, and witness their pain.

The incident over the weekend with the clogged kitchen drain is a good example.  I resisted seeking help for three days, thinking I could battle it out on my own with remedies from the internet.  Um no.  The clog didn't budge and trying to fix the problem took up a lot of my energy and worry.  The plumber took five hours to fix it, the source of the problem being in the main stack, below my apartment in the parking garage.  Nothing I did could have worked.  I was tackling the wrong problem with the wrong tools!  The solution was to call the plumber.

One of the gifts of my childhood was I was taught self-reliance.  The shadow side of this gift is I am reluctant to seek help, as if needing help is a personal weakness, a failure of effort.  So I need to fine-tune this auto-script in my head.  It's good to be self-reliant (God helps those who help themselves!).  It is also good to seek help when appropriate (I can't, God can, I think I'll let God).  My calibration between the two is a bit off.

That can be a question to sit with, when I'm struggling.  "What am I resisting?"  Usually it's something that makes me anxious, uncertain, ashamed or flooded with feelings that I don't know how to process, so I binge.

... I found that I could face or untangle the other steps if, and when, I could remember to relax, trust the program, and implement the step rather than fight it.  Accepting my Higher Power did not fully change my attitude of resistance.  It just made yielding to instruction a more rational and acceptable mode of behaviour.  For each step, I still had to go through the process of recognizing that I had no control over my drinking.  I had to understand that the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous had helped others and could help me.  I had to realize that if I did want sobriety, I had better do the steps whether I liked them or not.  Every time I ran into trouble, I ultimately found I was resisting change.  [Big Book, p.541; added emphasis]

For today, when I feel unsettled or upset, let's try asking "what am I resisting?"  I suspect the answer is found in something spiritual.

For Today - Staying Present, In Action

Do not peer too far.  -- Pindar

Today's reading is about not living in the future -- which I cannot control -- but rather living in the present.  It cautions against "some day" as in someday I will get a handle on my issues, someday I'll travel to Egypt, someday I'll learn to dance...  It says "I have lived in the future for too long.  My life is going on now, and there is only one way to live it:  now."  Yep.

The research suggests that depression is living in the past and anxiety is living in the future.  The only way to find peace is to live now, in the present.  When I'm binging, I am avoiding both my past and my future.  I binge so I don't feel, so I'm not present. 

Before OA, I would always emerge from a binge with some new formula to avoid future trouble with food.  I failed over and over and over again.  My way didn't work.  I was still having thoughts of suicide.  Elements of my past were so scary I could not even contemplate them without shutting down.  If I'm honest, I was both anxious about the future and not concerned at the same time.  I was not convinced I would live too long anyway.  I was doing my best to fulfil that prophecy by eating myself to an early death.

As my recovery strengthens, I realize I cannot afford to live in the past or the future.  The resentments, the anger, the shame, the worry make my present a living hell, don't change my past, and jeopardize my future.  It physically hurts, it is mentally tortuous, and it is spiritually empty.  And so I am learning to change my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.  That is:

We learn how to level out the emotional swings that got us into trouble both when we were up and when we were down.

We are taught to differentiate between our wants (which are never satisfied) and our needs (which are always provided for).  We cast off the burdens of the past and the anxieties of the future, as we begin to live in the present, one day at a time.  We are granted "the serenity to accept the things we cannot change" -- and thus lose our quickness to anger and our sensitivity to criticism.

Above all, we reject fantasizing and accept reality. [Big Book, p.559]

The Promises talk about not regretting our past nor fearing our future.  I like this statement in the Big Book:

That [recovered] life for me is live one day at a time, letting the problems of the future rest with the future.  When the time comes to solve them, God will give me strength for that day. [Big Book, p.300]

Living one day at a time, in the moment, is really the Serenity Prayer in long form, isn't it?  

The inner research geek in me likes to look up the source of the For Today quotes.  Pindar lived and wrote circa 518 - 438 BCE.  He was a Greek poet and philosopher; his surviving work celebrates Olympic ideals and victors.  In his Olympian Odes, he not only wrote "do not peer too far", today's quote, but also this:

I will not steep my speech in lies; the test of any man lies in action.  [Olympian Odes, IV, l.27]

True 2,500 years ago.  True today.  Amazing.

For Tonight - Repairing My Life

I got some things done today that have been niggling at me for months.  I thought about willingness. I wanted to go to the store and get binge foods but I sat with that feeling until it went away.  Then, it came back, stealthy, bargaining, with the idea I should just bake myself something binge worthy.  So I sat with that and realized I hadn't eaten enough for the day.  I had my abstinent snack in response to that hunger cue. I am learning there is hunger and then there is upset.  In the past, I would usually eat for both cues.

At one point today, I was keyed up, upset, agitated, restless, irritable.  So it focused on my breathing. I realized I was upset about something I had absolutely no ability to control. So I took a breath and consciously tried to let it go.

The reading from NA tonight is helpful.  It says, in part:

One of the most important lessons we learn in [12 step program] is that addiction is much more than the [substances] we used.  Addiction is a part of us; it’s an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without [compulsive over eating].  We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using.  Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.

Today was day 1 again.  One day at a time.  

For Today - Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace!  How sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found.  Was blind but now I see.  -- John Newton

My first reaction on reading this morning's passage was "Mom hates that song!"  I don't know why.  She also hates Danny Boy.  Then, it occurred to me that I don't know what I think of the hymn, Amazing Grace.  So I listened to it.  And it's beautiful, hopeful, and the melody is lovely. 

John Newton who wrote it, was an English sailor turned clergyman.  He participated in the slave trade and had a terrible reputation for insubordination and profanity, apparently.  He was so difficult, he was kept in chains on one of his ships, like the slaves they transported (how ironic that his later hymn, Amazing Grace, was adopted by slaves taken to North America as a hopeful spiritual). 

John Newton was so intransigent to authority on board ship to the point he was almost starved as punishment another time.   Wikipedia summarizes his early life:  "As a youth, Newton began a pattern of coming very close to death, examining his relationship with God, then relapsing into bad habits."

When I awoke this morning from another restless sleep, filled with confusing dreams, I saw my reflection in the mirrored closet doors.  And I look like a lump.  My form is distorted with extra flesh on my frame.  My true physical condition hit me like a slap.  Was blind but now I see. 

I turned to the Big Book and reread Bill's Story this morning.  He talks of being blind to the Grace of the universe which ultimately saves him.  This is what I am pondering:

I had always believed in a Power greater than myself.  I had often pondered these things.  I was not an atheist.  Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strage proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere.  My intellectual heros, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work.  Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a might purpose and rhythm underlay all.  How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence.  I simply had to to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitations.  But that was as far as I had gone.

...

For a brief moment, I had needed and wanted God.  There had been a humble willingness to have Him with me -- and He came.  But soon the sense of His presence had been blotted out by worldly clamors, mostly those within myself.  And so it had been ever since.  How blind I had been. [Big Book, pp.10, 12-13]

And this is a program of action.  I am in the process of recovery.  It is not enough to simply see; I must also do.  So much of what I do is destructive to my health - I eat too much, my sleep is poor, I worry, I obsess, I procrastinate, I wallow in my spiritual pain.  Other than the binging, I am taking care of most of my physical needs.  But my emotional and spiritual health remains a work in progress.  So what to do when I feel myself veering away from what I know sustains me?  I think the answer is prayer and meditation.

Bill writes about sitting quietly and asking for direction and strength.  The advantage to this is at least two-fold.  If I sit quietly, I'm not binging.  If I ask for help, I likely will receive it.  This is new for me.  Or as Bill writes, uncommon sense!  That is,

I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within.  Common sense would thus become uncommon sense.  I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me.  Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.  Then only might I expect to receive.  But that would be in great measure. [Big Book, p 13]

So today, I will sit quietly when in doubt, in the humble willingness to have the Spirit of the universe safeguard my life.

For Today - taking Responsibility

Our chief want in life is somebody who will make us do what we can. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Um, yep.  I want someone else to take me by the hand, do all the planning for my nutrition for me, and then make sure I follow through.  I would like to outsource this part of my life.  Then, I wouldn't have to deal with all the emotions and crap around my addiction. But that is a fantasy. The feelings won't go away; at best they go underground.  And that is a very tenuous "best"  if I am honest.

The only person who can sort this out is me.  While I am blessed with wonderful friends and family, when I binge, it's just me. Me and my Higher Power if I have the presence of mind to acknowledge my Higher Power's constant presence.  Obliterating my feelings and sense of self with food is something I do to myself.  And something I have to take responsibility for.  As The Promises say, the reason for my addiction is unimportant. What matters is what I do about it.

For Today - Accepting the Past

Nature does nothing uselessly.  - Aristotle

Today's reading is this:

What does it take for any living thing to grow straight and true to itself?  And if survival is threatened or growth interfered with, what further measures are needed? 

There is a natural force in all things that keeps pushing to make them as true to the original plan as possible.

If compulsive eating meant survival for me, it did indeed serve a useful purpose, and I am thankful it was a recourse that was open to me.  To regret what was necessary to save my life is to fail to appreciate the value of that life.

For today:  I cannot regret my past, for it allowed me to endure to the present.

I feel like a work in progress.  I am still relying on compulsive eating when my feelings overwhelm me and my survival feels threatened.  Enduring this depression through over-eating.  I had three days of freedom this week which is more than I have had since May.  The Promises in the Big Book speak this freedom and accepting our past:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. [p.83]

Last night one of our members shared about wanting to have more discussion in our group about what to do when the feelings are overwhelming.  She wants to know how to feel the feelings instead of resorting to maladaptive measures of compulsive over-eating.  I want to know this too so I searched the Big Book for the word "feeling" just to see what came up. 

And I just realized -- like I was hit on the head with the stupid stick -- that the answer is spiritual.  My hungry ghost of compulsive behaviour that masks my inner turmoil is fed by connection.  With other fellows and with my connection to my Higher Power.  It is giving this over, the overwhelm, the chaotic unhappiness, that I find peace.  The answer was in the chapter, We Agnostics, at p.52:

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new that does? 

We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view.  We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people -- was not a basic solution to these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight?  Of course it was. 

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God.  Our ideas did not work.  But the God idea did.

Feeling the need to escape from my feelings in order to survive is common, apparently.  It is all over the Big Book.  My understanding of my feelings is imperfect so I will work on that.  My understanding of the program of recovery is also imperfect.  But "There [is] a concrete program, designed to secure the greatest possible inner security for us long-time escapists.  The feeling of impending disaster that [has] haunted me for years [begins] to dissolve as I put into practice more and more of the twelve Steps." [Big Book, p.207, Women Suffer Too]

It is that simple.  And that hard.

For Today - Keeping It Simple

There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another.  - E. B. White

Today's reading is timely -- it includes the sentence "If I stop and think about what is important, I can put aside the useless, the heavy, the habit."  Yesterday was wobbly and I need to take a deep breath, remind myself what is important and trust. 

Life can be so very simple:  breathe, pray, move, eat, love, sleep.  And when it all feels so complicated, may I focus on these things.  I know this for sure (even if I have to keep reminding myself):

• I won't starve.
• I am loved.
• If I seek help, I will find it.

This morning's quote is from the legendary children's literature author, E. B. White, who wrote Charlotte's Web.  There are countless gems in that book, of course, but the one that resonates with me this morning is startling in its simplicity:

“Wilbur didn't want food, he wanted love.”  

For Today - Kindness

What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?  - Jean Jacques Rousseau

I used to value intellect over emotion.  I was wrong.  When we are kind, we bring our wisest self to bear.  This takes every ounce of intellect I have.  To give of my heart is kindness. 

The kindness I show my self manifests as patience.  There is much I don't yet know.  Many things I do not understand.  I focus on being teachable.  And on being willing to be vulnerable in extending kindness and care to others.  I searched my electronic version of the Big Book for both kindness and wisdom this morning.  My favourite passage I found is this:

Small miracles keep offering new opportunities just when I need change and growth.  New friends have shown me hidden truths in those sayings that I once found so shallow.  The lessons of tolerance and acceptance have taught me to look beyond exterior appearances [mine and theirs] to find the help and wisdom so often lurking beneath the surface.  All my sobriety and growth, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, are dependent upon my willingness to listen, understand and change. [Big Book, p.542]

I made latkes for the third night of Hanukkah last night as a surprise for my friend B who is Jewish.  He was so touched and pleased; his reaction made me feel great.  Never mind that they stuck the pan and we had to do some triage.  They were delicious and his enthusiasm for my effort was contagiously uplifting.  It made me feel good.

For Tonight - A sense of peace

So it's very late. I had a good day. Abstinent. More than 10,000 steps logged and a personal best at the gym.

My friend B came over tonight.  We talked about depression.  How often people seem to think you can just "snap out of it" if you apply yourself.  Not so.

We talked about what I have been learning about cognitive behavioural therapy, particularly challenging negative thoughts.  I listened to B's pain and shared some of mine.  He feels adrift, unhappy, closed, not able to accept love or happiness.  Unloveable, alone.  I know how that feels.

And I heard myself say to B, "maybe some of what you're telling yourself is wrong."  And just then, I realized some of what I tell myself is also wrong.

For Today - Laugh and Be Well

Laugh and be well.  - Matthew Green

This morning's reading (and quote) are so short, they had me diving into the Big Book for more.  My index to the Big Book did not have laughter in it so I've added it. 

One of the biggest parts of recovery is being able to laugh at and be grateful for my experiences in over-eating and depression.  Not with irony or self-deprecation but genuine laughter and joy at what I have learned.  It is so easy to focus on what compulsive over-eating and depression have taken from my life.  But there have been gifts as well.  I would not have refound my spirituality as I have without them.  I have made some good friends with wonderful people I likely would not have met but for OA and my search for recovery. 

"Laugh and be well" is so profoundly simple an idea.  When I feel well, I like to think I have one of those irrepressible souls who finds wonder and delight in the absurdity of life.  My sense of awe is within reach.  These are the promises of recovery coming to light.  My favourite passage on laughter in the Big Book is this, from a woman who came to AA later in life, as she describes in her chapter titled A Late Start:

Those promises [of recovery] I thought were impossible are a viable force in my life.  I am free to laugh all of my laugher, free to trust and be trusted, free to both give and receive help.  I am free from shame and regret, free to learn and grow and work.  I have left that lonely, frightening, painful express train through hell.  I have accepted the gift of a safer, happier journey through life. (Big Book, p.543)

Yep.  This.  I want this.

For Tonight - A Walk in the Rain among other Awe

I felt awe at least twice today.  The first time when M was massaging my feet, with pressure point release.  I just focused on my breath and the warmth of his hands.  He had his eyes closed too and we were silent.  I realized how caring his touch felt and I wept silently.  I'm not sure why.  I'm not sure he noticed.  It felt safe to just be.

And I felt awe tonight, walking on a dimly lit path through a small park between blocks.  The rain was coming down hard, in silvery lengths, then pooling silently in random pockets.  It was so quiet, my thoughts were quiet, and I just was.

Reading the Big Book tonight, I was in the chapter, Women Suffer Too.  The author wrote this:

As the treatment progressed, I began to get a picture of myself, of the temperament that had caused me so much trouble.  I had been hypersensitive, shy, idealistic.  My inability to accept the harsh realities of life had resulted in a disillusioned cynic, clothed in a protective armor against the world's misunderstanding.  That armor had turned into prison walls, locking me in loneliness -- and fear.  All I had left was an iron determination to live my own life in spite of the alien world -- and here I was, an inwardly frightened, outwardly defiant woman, who desperately needed a prop to keep going. (Big Book, p.204)

Yep.  That sounds about right.  And today I was vulnerable -- with M and my raw emotion.  In the rain, alone in the dark, in a park -- what woman hasn't heard her whole life that this is unsafe?  But instead of being afraid both times, instead I felt awe.

Day 3.

A - abstinence -- yes. I did well here today.  Focused on not compulsive eating.  The macros with more protein etc will come back later.

E - exercise.  I walked from my house to the grocery store, up the block, through the park, and back home four times today.  I could have done more, I could have gone to the gym, but I did this.  And that's pretty good.

I - I did my reading and writing this morning even though M was coming over for breakfast.  There was plenty of time.  First things first.  My tools of recovery I need for my abstinence come first.

O - Others.  I was helpful to M in a couple ways today.  I reached out to four other people in my OA home group by text and email.  That was rewarding and felt good.

U - Uncover.  I uncovered today that I feel much better if I take time to meditate, focus on my breath, and let myself just be.  I meditated with M this morning.  And I did a Tara Brach guided meditation on facing fear this afternoon.  This is good for me - my mind and body rests when I do this.  The hypersensitivity and hyper-vigilance seems to fade away, temporarily.

Was I angry with anyone today?  I was initially annoyed at M for his constant teasing and criticism.  Then I realized he was just trying to get me to laugh.  Then I relaxed. 

Am I holding on to any resentments?  I resent it when M says mean things in a joking manner.  So I told him - yes, I want a foot rub, but no comments, no teasing, no mocking, no criticism, no jokes.  And it was wonderful.  He understand and responded to my needs.  Wow. 

I resent the pain I feel from the accident and from being too heavy in my body.  I have to forgive myself and also those who caused my injuries.  The pain is just part of the background.  What is important is my clear head, my hopeful heart, and my perseverance in making my body as healthy as I can.

For Today - Healing what no Doctor can

The highest point a man can attain is not Knowledge, or Virtue, or Goodness, or Victory, but something even greater, more heroic and more despairing:  Sacred Awe!  - Nikos Kazantzakis

The reading today is complex and my mind is tired.  The part that resonates with me is that in recovery I regain my sense of wonder, of awe, even reverence for healing -- I am healing the suffering that no human skill or medicine could touch. 

I tried everything short of drastic gastric surgery to no avail.  I saw and heard others who resorted to surgery weep with regret at the damage done.  They were not healed.  They were not even a healthy body weight.

The suffering of compulsive over-eating and depression is like nothing I have experienced.  I have broken a limb -- and that hurt less than this.  So today is day 3 -- I am looking only at today with reverence and hope.  I pray for continued willingness.  I pray for a renewed sense of wonder.

For Tonight - A Quiet, Windy, Wet Winter Day

Today was a non-day in many respects.  I got up, did my reading and writing, prepared a proper breakfast and went into town. 

This morning, I looked after my friends' baby while they did some household things that took them in and out, things inconsistent with giving a newborn 100% of their attention.  The baby slept most of the time I was there so I basically watched him, making his bouncy chair bounce without cessation for an hour and a half.  Let sleeping babies lie, they say.  So I did. 

I read at Red Robin over a burger for lunch.  Then came home and rested, read, and surfed the internet for the rest of the day.  On reviewing my day, I realize I was so tired because my sleep has been so poor.  My Fitbit recorded two hours of sleep all night!  No small wonder I was lethargic and seeking to be warm and cosy with a book.

A - Abstinence.  My burger wasn't my best choice but it wasn't compulsive over-eating so ok.  My breakfast and dinner I made myself and they were healthy.  Same with my one snack.
E - Exercise.  Nope.  I can do better on this.  I have a rain coat -- the weather can be braved in favour of a walk!
I - for me?  I listened to my body and lay low today. 
O - for others?  I helped my friends.  I researched light fixtures for my sister. 
U - Uncovered today?  I use reading and surfing the internet as avoidance tools, similar to binging.  I felt better yesterday when I was more active.

and Y.  Why?  Because I'm worth it.  This works if I work it and I'm worth it.

Did I have any resentments today?  I felt judged by my friend C asking questions about my friendship with M.  I know she is just protective because she loves me.  And her concerns have an element of truth in them -- he isn't my lover, my partner.  And some of our boundaries may be a bit more intimate than mere friendship.  But I love her care for me and the resentment passes when I acknowledge her motivation are well-intentioned.

Anger?  Was I angry today? No, not really.

Fear?  I felt a twinge of fear when it seemed oh so easy to turn into the shopping centre to purchase binge foods on my way home.  I stayed in my lane and drove past.  May I feel safe from inner and outer harm is part of the loving kindness meditation.

Have I been selfish, dishonest or afraid?  I am dishonest with myself when I tell myself it won't hurt me to skip a day of exercise.  It is selfish not to work toward a healthy body weight -- I jeopardize my health but I also limit what I can do with my family, my friends, my nephews.  I am afraid that even if I do regain a healthy body weight, I will still be sad and depressed.  Maybe.  But I don't know that will be the case.  So, tomorrow, I try again.  One day at a time.

For Today - To Love and Be Loved

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.  - George Sand

When I feel sad and I eat too much of the wrong kind of foods, I am trying (without success) to fill my hunger for love.  Gabor Mate writes of addiction as the hungry ghost, always seeking more, never finding enough, always empty.  I do have people who love me in my life.  I have a cat who adores me. 

When I meditate on loving kindness, I practice sending love to all sentient beings.  I remember feeling startled to realize that somewhere someone else was also doing the same practice and sending love to all sentient beings, including me! 

May all sentient beings be free from inner and outer harm.
May all sentient beings be free of mental suffering or distress.
May all sentient beings be happy.
May all sentient beings be free of physical pain and suffering.
May all sentient beings be healthy and strong.
May all sentient beings be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

This meditation, or metta, teaches compassion.  We start with our self, then someone we love, someone who upsets us, and finally all beings.

When I don't feel loved, I can remember that I love and this is enough -- for in loving, I am loved in return.  It may not be the romantic, intimate love I crave but it is love.  As the For Today reader says this morning, "To love and feel loved is nothing less than to have a reverence for life."

For Tonight - Day 1 (I will do day 1 as many times as it takes)

Tonight, I am satisfied with my day.  I ate clean.  I worked hard at the gym.  I was kind to other people.  I was (mostly) kind to myself.

A - abstinence was good - day 1.  I put my abstinence first.  I tracked my food and water.
E - exercise.  Trained at the gym; also a five minute heart rate trial as well as 10 minutes of treadmill.
I - I worked my program today.  I had a nap given I slept less than three hours last night.
O - Others.  I helped M. with his English.  I made chili for me and for MC.  I talked to my parents.
U - Uncover?  Today, I uncovered (again!) that I feel better when I eat clean, get enough rest and exercise.  Go figure.  I also feel better when I am kind to myself.

Resentments?  I am resenting B for not spending time with me this weekend but I need to let that go - he has other obligations that are very important to him.  I resent Adidas for making their sport t-shirts so tight, despite their size chart. 

Anger?  I am angry with myself that I regained 40 pounds I worked so hard to lose.  But this is my process and I need to forgive myself for struggling. 

Progress, not perfection.  It is not uncommon to gain and lose and gain again in a health recovery journey.  Lots of people do it.  I am not special in this way.  And I am not a failure, either.  I just have more to learn.  And I haven't given up so I can be proud of that.

For Today - Solitude and a Trusting Mind

You find in solitude only what you take to it.  - Juan Ramon Jimenez

I find sadness in solitude when I bring my binge foods to it.  There is a deep shame to this self-destructiveness.  It starts when I walk out the door, heading to the grocery store.  I'll just buy this, I think, as I walk up the street.  By the time I'm at the corner, I'm adding to the list.  And inside the store, I am in full numbness, auto-pilot, cruising the bakery aisles, the bulk food candy displays, the forty feet of different potato, corn, and rice chip options.  I slink to the check-out, as if my selections are normal grocery purchases, instead of a clear binge.  I feel a momentary pang at spending $12 or so a day on junk food but I'm anticipating the binge by now, impatient to get home and get started. 

How is this any different than the drug addict who secrets herself away to use?  If I'm honest, its the same behaviours, masking the same kind of pains.  And causing the same kinds of problems -- spiritual bankruptcy, unhappiness, health problems, isolation and pain.

Today's reading says, in part:

Rather than suppress thoughts and feelings, it is better to give them a good airing, to look at them in the clear light of day.  Unattended, hidden feelings, like illusions, once defeated me.  Today, I know that feelings cannot hurt me as long as I'm willing to look at them and see them for what they are.

They are just feelings.  I have brought the preconceived notion that feelings can hurt me, that I cannot cope with how I feel, that I need to numb myself for survival.  What if this is not true?  What if I can feel the despair and that will ease it?  What I'm doing now is not working.

Day 1.  Trying again.

For Today - Healed of Suffering only by Experiencing it to the Fullest

We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full.  - Marcel Proust

I get close to the source of my unhappiness -- the "trauma" as the counsellor says -- and I withdraw, weeping without really knowing why, and then I binge to make the feelings more manageable (or so I think).  What if I am getting in the way of my own Recovery by short-circuiting my process every time with food?  It has an almost narcotic effect on my emotional pain.  If I binge on fat, sugar and carbohydrates, I get sleepy and I don't feel as much when I sleep.

How much of addiction is avoidance?  We focus on the seeking behaviour -- more food, more alcohol, more substance of choice.  Perhaps the spiritual aspect of this process is seeking new ways instead.  A process of facing pain, instead of seeking to avoid or dull it.  The 12 Steps help me experience my life, not stunt the experience of life, over and over.

What if I don't stop myself from crying?  Surely there is a spiritual experience to be had in catharsis. 

For Today - Dwell Together in Unity

Behold how good and pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.
- The Bible, Psalm 133

Tonight is my home group meeting.  As I reflect on my week, I've done well with the tool of reading and writing.  That is the easiest one for me -- I naturally like both reading and writing.  I've done well with reaching out -- a walk with one OA friend, a good call with my sponsor, a text or two with other members.  This is not as easy.  When I feel low and the depression settles over me like a cloak, I want to hide and isolate.  And binge eat.  There has been plenty of that this week. 

There is a saying in Recovery that you can't do it alone but only you can do it.  This is why a meeting can feel better than home.  Our unity is absolute acceptance of individuality coupled with a common purpose to relieve suffering.  Together.

What am I doing to further unity?  Inside me - so there is the thoughtful me united with the desperately hungry, binging me.  Inside my group - so I am more than a listening presence.  It occurred to me this morning that I haven't shared at my meeting for weeks.  I have been too muddled in my thinking, too upset, too ashamed.  I need to share this to move past it.  And to be more than a bystander in my group's unity.

For Today - Tempering "I want" with Willingness to Wait

We shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it. -
- Abraham Lincoln

Today's reading says if I push and shove and spin my wheels, it is only an appearance of activity that accomplishes nothing.  It is impossible to hurry some things along.  Growth takes time.  Wisdom takes time.  Serenity takes practice, which takes time.  Abstinence is not "I want" but "I am willing to do the work and wait for the rewards." 

I have heard it said that "I want, I want it right now, and damn the consequences" is the addictive mindset.  When I binge, I am responding to the feelings of "I can't cope", "This is too much", "I have to stop feeling this way RIGHT NOW or I won't live."  This is smashing the egg.  I can cope.  I can suffer with my feelings.  I am starting to realize that is the only way to growth.  I keep short circuiting my progress with bingeing. 

I can still want.  But I am practicing taking a breath, a pause.  It is developing the willingness to wait that will help me grow.  Besides, cleaning up smashed eggs is really messy.

Transformation is Not Pretty

So this from actress Holland Taylor on her journey to finding love in a long term relationship at age 72.  She likened her personal romantic journey to a metamorphosis frequently witnessed in nature:

Somebody once said that transformation is not the same thing as growing and if you have a caterpillar turning into a butterfly to use a banal image, the caterpillar doesn’t just grow wings and change in that manner," Holland shared. "It wraps itself in a chrysalis or whatever they’re called, and it turns to, you should pardon the expression, goo. Very messy, horrible, icky, disgusting, formless, shapeless, non-functioning, resting, growing, percolating goo, for a while. And that eventually, this completely other creature, not a grown up caterpillar, but a completely other creature emerges. So I think that if you really break apart so that you don’t know what you want, who you are, how to function, you know… you really dismantled, there is a state where you go in that is kind of goo like and something else can form from it that can be quite different and quite wonderful...  It has been incredible.

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/holland-taylor-reveals-shes-in-a-relationship-with-a-woman-w158648

For Today - All Happiness Needs is a Simple Frugal Heart

All that is required to feel that here and now is happiness is a simple, frugal heart  - Nikos Kazantzakis

When do I feel happy?  It's a rare feeling these days as depression looms dark and heavy.  I wept several times yesterday.  Working through trauma is not a happiness.  It may well pave the way for a simple, frugal, happy heart, however. 

This morning, I have that tired, cried out feeling.  Pale around the edges.  But my heart has hope.  The coffee brews.  There is good food for breakfast.  A good friend to meet for a walk along the seawall.  Just for today, I am going to look for simple, frugal things.  I trust that happiness follows for it has before and it will again.