For Tonight - Repairing My Life

I got some things done today that have been niggling at me for months.  I thought about willingness. I wanted to go to the store and get binge foods but I sat with that feeling until it went away.  Then, it came back, stealthy, bargaining, with the idea I should just bake myself something binge worthy.  So I sat with that and realized I hadn't eaten enough for the day.  I had my abstinent snack in response to that hunger cue. I am learning there is hunger and then there is upset.  In the past, I would usually eat for both cues.

At one point today, I was keyed up, upset, agitated, restless, irritable.  So it focused on my breathing. I realized I was upset about something I had absolutely no ability to control. So I took a breath and consciously tried to let it go.

The reading from NA tonight is helpful.  It says, in part:

One of the most important lessons we learn in [12 step program] is that addiction is much more than the [substances] we used.  Addiction is a part of us; it’s an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without [compulsive over eating].  We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using.  Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.

Today was day 1 again.  One day at a time.