Today was a non-day in many respects. I got up, did my reading and writing, prepared a proper breakfast and went into town.
This morning, I looked after my friends' baby while they did some household things that took them in and out, things inconsistent with giving a newborn 100% of their attention. The baby slept most of the time I was there so I basically watched him, making his bouncy chair bounce without cessation for an hour and a half. Let sleeping babies lie, they say. So I did.
I read at Red Robin over a burger for lunch. Then came home and rested, read, and surfed the internet for the rest of the day. On reviewing my day, I realize I was so tired because my sleep has been so poor. My Fitbit recorded two hours of sleep all night! No small wonder I was lethargic and seeking to be warm and cosy with a book.
A - Abstinence. My burger wasn't my best choice but it wasn't compulsive over-eating so ok. My breakfast and dinner I made myself and they were healthy. Same with my one snack.
E - Exercise. Nope. I can do better on this. I have a rain coat -- the weather can be braved in favour of a walk!
I - for me? I listened to my body and lay low today.
O - for others? I helped my friends. I researched light fixtures for my sister.
U - Uncovered today? I use reading and surfing the internet as avoidance tools, similar to binging. I felt better yesterday when I was more active.
and Y. Why? Because I'm worth it. This works if I work it and I'm worth it.
Did I have any resentments today? I felt judged by my friend C asking questions about my friendship with M. I know she is just protective because she loves me. And her concerns have an element of truth in them -- he isn't my lover, my partner. And some of our boundaries may be a bit more intimate than mere friendship. But I love her care for me and the resentment passes when I acknowledge her motivation are well-intentioned.
Anger? Was I angry today? No, not really.
Fear? I felt a twinge of fear when it seemed oh so easy to turn into the shopping centre to purchase binge foods on my way home. I stayed in my lane and drove past. May I feel safe from inner and outer harm is part of the loving kindness meditation.
Have I been selfish, dishonest or afraid? I am dishonest with myself when I tell myself it won't hurt me to skip a day of exercise. It is selfish not to work toward a healthy body weight -- I jeopardize my health but I also limit what I can do with my family, my friends, my nephews. I am afraid that even if I do regain a healthy body weight, I will still be sad and depressed. Maybe. But I don't know that will be the case. So, tomorrow, I try again. One day at a time.
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