I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind but now I see. -- John Newton
My first reaction on reading this morning's passage was "Mom hates that song!" I don't know why. She also hates Danny Boy. Then, it occurred to me that I don't know what I think of the hymn, Amazing Grace. So I listened to it. And it's beautiful, hopeful, and the melody is lovely.
John Newton who wrote it, was an English sailor turned clergyman. He participated in the slave trade and had a terrible reputation for insubordination and profanity, apparently. He was so difficult, he was kept in chains on one of his ships, like the slaves they transported (how ironic that his later hymn, Amazing Grace, was adopted by slaves taken to North America as a hopeful spiritual).
John Newton was so intransigent to authority on board ship to the point he was almost starved as punishment another time. Wikipedia summarizes his early life: "As a youth, Newton began a pattern of coming very close to death, examining his relationship with God, then relapsing into bad habits."
When I awoke this morning from another restless sleep, filled with confusing dreams, I saw my reflection in the mirrored closet doors. And I look like a lump. My form is distorted with extra flesh on my frame. My true physical condition hit me like a slap. Was blind but now I see.
I turned to the Big Book and reread Bill's Story this morning. He talks of being blind to the Grace of the universe which ultimately saves him. This is what I am pondering:
I had always believed in a Power greater than myself. I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strage proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heros, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a might purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence. I simply had to to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitations. But that was as far as I had gone.
...
For a brief moment, I had needed and wanted God. There had been a humble willingness to have Him with me -- and He came. But soon the sense of His presence had been blotted out by worldly clamors, mostly those within myself. And so it had been ever since. How blind I had been. [Big Book, pp.10, 12-13]And this is a program of action. I am in the process of recovery. It is not enough to simply see; I must also do. So much of what I do is destructive to my health - I eat too much, my sleep is poor, I worry, I obsess, I procrastinate, I wallow in my spiritual pain. Other than the binging, I am taking care of most of my physical needs. But my emotional and spiritual health remains a work in progress. So what to do when I feel myself veering away from what I know sustains me? I think the answer is prayer and meditation.
Bill writes about sitting quietly and asking for direction and strength. The advantage to this is at least two-fold. If I sit quietly, I'm not binging. If I ask for help, I likely will receive it. This is new for me. Or as Bill writes, uncommon sense! That is,
I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure. [Big Book, p 13]So today, I will sit quietly when in doubt, in the humble willingness to have the Spirit of the universe safeguard my life.
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