For Today - First Things First

An unrestricted satisfaction of every need presents itself as the most enticing method of conducting one's life, but it means putting enjoyment before caution, and soon brings its own punishment. -- Sigmund Freud

Temperance.  The reading this morning continues after the Freud quote to say, in part, I thought if I wanted something I should have it; pain was to be avoided.  Today I know the pain of compulsive overeating is worse than any problem I may have to face. 

There's a saying in OA that if I eat over a problem, I then have two problems.  My anxiety is up as I'm not at home.  The cat and I have travelled to my parents' house, my childhood home, and are staying here for six days over Christmas.  She hid for the first afternoon and into the evening.  It was only when my parents went to bed that I spoke quietly to her in the living room and she emerged from hiding.  There are times I feel like hiding and when I do, I often resort to excess food. 

I am trying to keep my morning program of reading, writing and meditation going even though I am here.  I am in the kitchen with my laptop and For Today book.  My dad is still sleeping as it's early yet.  My Mom has said twice she doesn't want to disturb me but so far she has swept the kitchen floor, taken a plant into the kitchen be pruned and watered, got out ingredients for a pumpkin pie, talked aloud to herself as does all these things and looks at a text on her iPad from my sister.  She generally left her own writing in another room to be in the kitchen with me.  I think it's the lack of personal space that stresses me out - so I am concentrating on my breathing.  First things first.

Ok, it's working.  My Mom has gone back to her own writing in the dining room and I am alone in the quiet.  Today's quote feels foreign to me -- I never had the unrestricted satisfaction of every need.  As a child, I felt deprived.  As an adult, I felt alone.  So I tried to fill those feelings with food as that was within my control.  I could afford to feed myself and so I did. 

I've realized since joining OA and learning more about nutrition from my trainer that my body can only handle so much food at one time.  There is a limit to what my liver can handle and then excess is shunted away into storage.  The interesting part is I think I thought I could over-eat to ward off any future deprivation -- that is, if I ate a lot now, I wouldn't be hungry later.  But I get hungry every few hours like clockwork, regardless of what I ate previously.  I am now aware of this sensation and have to remind myself that I can eat enough now and then eat enough later, rather than court the disaster of overloading my body with food, only to fall hungry again anyway.  I have been fighting my own biology.

As a young adult, I often had to work for five or so hours on Christmas Day.  So I would get up, have my usual breakfast, and head to my parents' home for the morning.  My Mom would say we were having such a big dinner, there was no need for lunch.  And I went along with that.  I would go to work and do physical labour in a restaurant for five or six hours on an empty stomach.  I would come back to Christmas Dinner, tired, with a headache and starving.  I did this for years.  It was only after I left that work, went back to university, and my sister started wanting us to all in her home for Christmas morning (her new husband was on call), that some sort of lunch became an option. 

When I think how little I understood my nutritional needs I can see how a pattern of binge and starve was created.  I did not self-advocate for my food needs during the periods of starvation over Christmas.  But I binged at every food opportunity in an attempt to forestall the feelings of need and hunger. 

Now, I bring my own eggs, egg whites and peppers for my usual breakfast.  I don't want to feel guilty when my Mom comments about me having two eggs, instead of one.  I don't want to see the dwindling egg supply in her fridge -- making me feel like rationing.  It feels more comfortable to feed myself from my own carton. 

So now that I've identified how I am feeling, are there any distorted thoughts here?  Probably.  I am fortune telling her reaction to my breakfast -- based on past experience.  I may be struggling with a should statement -- as in I should be able to eat the way my parents do without feeling hungry or anxious.  But I know that isn't objectively true.  For someone of my size and metabolism, I need what I need. 

It's clear to me that my nutritional needs and my emotional needs must be met separately.  It doesn't work to try to feed my emotional needs with food.  It's not the right fuel.  And so I am a bit sad, wishing I was home and cooking breakfast with M instead of here, tired and hungry.  But I know how to look after myself and so I will.  First things first.  For me to be of use to others, I need to look after myself first.