For Tonight - A Walk in the Rain among other Awe

I felt awe at least twice today.  The first time when M was massaging my feet, with pressure point release.  I just focused on my breath and the warmth of his hands.  He had his eyes closed too and we were silent.  I realized how caring his touch felt and I wept silently.  I'm not sure why.  I'm not sure he noticed.  It felt safe to just be.

And I felt awe tonight, walking on a dimly lit path through a small park between blocks.  The rain was coming down hard, in silvery lengths, then pooling silently in random pockets.  It was so quiet, my thoughts were quiet, and I just was.

Reading the Big Book tonight, I was in the chapter, Women Suffer Too.  The author wrote this:

As the treatment progressed, I began to get a picture of myself, of the temperament that had caused me so much trouble.  I had been hypersensitive, shy, idealistic.  My inability to accept the harsh realities of life had resulted in a disillusioned cynic, clothed in a protective armor against the world's misunderstanding.  That armor had turned into prison walls, locking me in loneliness -- and fear.  All I had left was an iron determination to live my own life in spite of the alien world -- and here I was, an inwardly frightened, outwardly defiant woman, who desperately needed a prop to keep going. (Big Book, p.204)

Yep.  That sounds about right.  And today I was vulnerable -- with M and my raw emotion.  In the rain, alone in the dark, in a park -- what woman hasn't heard her whole life that this is unsafe?  But instead of being afraid both times, instead I felt awe.

Day 3.

A - abstinence -- yes. I did well here today.  Focused on not compulsive eating.  The macros with more protein etc will come back later.

E - exercise.  I walked from my house to the grocery store, up the block, through the park, and back home four times today.  I could have done more, I could have gone to the gym, but I did this.  And that's pretty good.

I - I did my reading and writing this morning even though M was coming over for breakfast.  There was plenty of time.  First things first.  My tools of recovery I need for my abstinence come first.

O - Others.  I was helpful to M in a couple ways today.  I reached out to four other people in my OA home group by text and email.  That was rewarding and felt good.

U - Uncover.  I uncovered today that I feel much better if I take time to meditate, focus on my breath, and let myself just be.  I meditated with M this morning.  And I did a Tara Brach guided meditation on facing fear this afternoon.  This is good for me - my mind and body rests when I do this.  The hypersensitivity and hyper-vigilance seems to fade away, temporarily.

Was I angry with anyone today?  I was initially annoyed at M for his constant teasing and criticism.  Then I realized he was just trying to get me to laugh.  Then I relaxed. 

Am I holding on to any resentments?  I resent it when M says mean things in a joking manner.  So I told him - yes, I want a foot rub, but no comments, no teasing, no mocking, no criticism, no jokes.  And it was wonderful.  He understand and responded to my needs.  Wow. 

I resent the pain I feel from the accident and from being too heavy in my body.  I have to forgive myself and also those who caused my injuries.  The pain is just part of the background.  What is important is my clear head, my hopeful heart, and my perseverance in making my body as healthy as I can.